Courage means to feel fear and yet follow your heart.

We are on holiday. Acquaintances from the environment come by, on visit. The husband and wife share the facts of the past year. We listen to the news and ask here and there. Nice to hear what concrete changes have taken place in their lives (refurbishment/other job).

The pace of the conversation is 'high'. One story after another is shared. After a while I notice that there is no reciprocal exchange. They share, we (my partner and I) listen. What makes this exchange so?

What I notice is that there is little space in the conversation, space in the sense of openness, space in the sense of time-lag, space in the sense of pauses during sharing, space in the sense of: silence. The silence, the openness, the time-lag from which you can experience depth..., a real meeting and humor.

At a certain moment a question is asked by them: what news do you have?
I don't feel any impuls to share anything. Nothing comes up. I have no news to share.
We have gone through a process after the death of our daughter (summer 2016) of which they are aware.

The energy in the company is 'high' or is 'rushed', 'fast'. I notice that I need some time to sag, to descend, to feel what needs to be shared from within, but that time is lacking. And I don't speak out about that. My partner makes an attempt to share some news. The news is picked up in a certain way and translated by the others. There is no exchange going on and soon the roles are reversed again. Here and there I make another comment, but there is no real meeting going on.

I view our interaction. Yes, that's how it goes..., this is the main menu, not the starter, but the main menu: the facts. No silence, break, time-lag from which depth and humor can arise, but sending at a fast pace.

He lacks contact, he lacks the exchange of emotions, the visitor indicates. I understand that when I see the conversation. He feels alone, lonely, knows few people. I understand that, if I listen to the conversation like that.

After an hour and a half the time comes to say goodbye. The man indicates that we can always come by if we need something..., that they would like to walk with us... and finally he invites us for a barbecue in 6 days.

And then it comes down to it: What do I say? What is my truth? What do I feel? Do I want further contact? Do I want to barbecue with them? And dare I express myself even if the other person experiences this as a rejection or disappointment?

One thing is clear to me on forehand: I don't want to barbecue. I don't feel like spending a few hours of my time with people moving at the level of news. Not that something is wrong with them (they are sympathetic people) or with the exchange of news, but that can also be done by making a chat, now and then.

Okay, the invitation. What is my answer?
I say: I don't know yet. To which the other person reacts: how is it possible that you don't know it now? I say: I want to consult with my partner first, I'll let you know. Why is consultation needed for this? he ask. You know now if you want to barbeque in 6 days, or not? (And that's right, I know my answer, but I am not alone, there is also a partner, and I don't find it easy to say 'no').

And then he looks questioningly at my partner: what do you think? And I say again that I want to consult with my partner: I'll let you know in a few days. My partner nods in agreement to me and the company. I see and feel that the visitor is irritated and feels rejected.

I pick up the thread again and say: I don't know the answer now, maybe it just feels too fast, it feels more right when we agree to barbecue in a month..., and I also just want to tune in with my partner. To which the visitor responds irritably: About a month? he says, well, then I don't know if I'm there, maybe I'll be on vacation. To which I say: Okay, so be it. He doesn't like my answer. And I add: If the answer is 'no', if we reject your invitation, don't see it as a disapproval of you. It is not about you, I like you, but the question is whether I want to meet with you in this way. Well, he reacts really annoyed: I want to know a few days in advance if you are coming, so I have time to do the shopping. I will let you know in time, I say.

Do you feel the conversation? Do you feel how difficult it is to remain true to yourself if you feel a strong appeal from the other side to contact? If you know that the other person feels lonely, even though I am not responsible for the loneliness of the other person? Do you feel what a huge challenge there is to speak out, to live your truth?

Every now and then a chat or a cup of coffee/tea, that is the answer from within or my truth. It is not easy to stand up to give this message in all openness and honesty. I don't reject them, but that is how they interpret it. The answer it is not about them, but about me: what is right for me? Even if that is not right for the other...

Yes, but you can't always follow your inner truth? That is selfish.
Is that right? Is it selfish to be faithful to yourself? Or is it selfish of the other person to assume in advance that you meet the expectation (the invitation) of the other person? It is an invitation, right? In other words: a question, right? And several answers are possible for a question: yes, no, maybe. Can I say 'no'? Or should I actually say 'yes', because the other person feels otherwise rejected or disappointed, as if I am responsible for the other's reaction?

Am I responsible for the pain that the other person carries, the pain that is touched at the moment when I say 'no', the pain that has ever arisen in his or her history? Do I then have to live the life that others expect from me because they may feel rejected or disappointed?

Do I have reached the point where I can receive a rejection from the other person, knowing that this rejection says nothing about me, but everything about the other person? He or she gets triggered by a 'no', he or she has an expectation which I can't meet.The answer that I have to give must be a 'yes', there is no space for a different answer.
Is this love?

How big is the other person's heart when implicit demands are made?
Is it selfish to listen to yourself? To find out what's right for you? Even if that isn't right for the other person... Do I have to live to all the expectations and desires of others? So that I ignore the answer that knocks from the inside?

From which do we want to meet the expectations of others? Is it guilt or fear? Then I am not a good...: father, mother, daughter, son, neighbor/husband, partner, employee, employer?

Are we moving along with the expectations to prevent possible judgments of others? Judgments that still exist in ourselves, because otherwise the judgments of others would not touch us at all. Judgments that come from convictions, which we have received from childhood: if you think of yourself, you are an egoist, then you don't take the other person into account. Is that right? Are you an egoist when you take yourself into account? Are you an egoist if you following what is true for you?

To what extent are you really present, in connection, in contact, when you say 'yes', while it is a 'no' inside? To what extent is that affectionately towards the other? But above all to yourself? Why do so many people feel tired and exhausted? Could this have to do with the fact that we don't listen to what the inner voice indicates, because we are lived by all sorts of convictions that have been given to us by educators and society?

Okay, back to the situation. The invitation for the barbecue. I consult with my partner and ask him what he wants. He indicates that he doesn't like barbecuing. Every now and then a cup of coffee or tea, fine. And maybe now and then a walk with the male visitor, but no barbecue.

This is the answer I sent the visitors:

Ha dear people,
Barbecue: no. We like to visit you on Sunday, see the renovation and have a chat, if it is okay for you too.

I got the following answer: Hi, Okay on Sunday.

Well, that's the way it goes..., and maybe he'll ask on Sunday why we don't want to barbecue. Again a challenge: what do I say? And my answer is differs from my partner's response. Do I dare to show openly and honestly what the inner voice tells me? Every now and then a chat, that's it, it has nothing to do with you personally, this is just the answer I feel from the inside.

I wonder what will unfold on Sunday.

PS does this mean that my partner has to choose the same? No. If he wants to go for a walk, eat, chat or otherwise..., go ahead... you're a free person... just like me.

The liberty that is rising in me, I grant everyone else.

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