Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Why do others view me so differently than I do myself?



Why do others view me so differently than I do myself?

We have all been given the option (potential) to awaken, to come to Love, to Consciousness. A divine gift, a possibility. Some of us feel a strong call, from the inside, for total liberation: they follow a spiritual path with a master who has awoken, and they practice Vipassana meditation (1), because they realize that Pure Consciousness is the gate to total liberation.

Others do not feel that call, but they do long for liberation from deep, painful basic convictions, which stem from the psychological mind (the "I", the ego). The suffering that comes from those deep imprints can also serve to awaken from the dream state. 

Often liberation does not happen, because Pure Consciousness has not yet been recognized, so the identification with convictions (and the resultant suffering) is so strong that we simply avoid challenging the convictions and allowing the connected pain to melt. It simply feels too painful to enter into, too painful from the perspective: what I feel and think is true (identification with the psychological mind).

Nevertheless, we all do our levels best, we are all on our way and one tulip is blooming in May, the other in July. 

Those who want to come to Love long for liberation from the yoke called "I"  which gives humanity, deep down, such a strong sense of loneliness and alienation. The ‘I’ (ego) which applies everything to itself.
‘I’ means tension and a self-centered attitude, which stems from the fear: Am I welcome?  Do they like me? Am I really a part of the group? Am I good enough? Everything happening around us, in interaction with others, leads to this self-centered attitude, to self-talk. We think about ourselves for hours, because we apply everything to ourselves: he isn’t looking at me is translated to ‘he doesn’t like me’; and if we don’t receive a reply to our e-mail, we are afraid we may have said something wrong etc.

In essence, the psychological mind knows two modes: attraction or rejection. Attraction means: getting what you think you need or deserve, often through manipulation, from neediness. In other words: life or the other person ought to give us what we can’t give ourselves, because we are not at home in our Heart. 

Rejection means: everything we want to get rid of, everything we perceive as unwanted, everything that inhibits our alleged happiness or sense of well-being, actually everything we say 'no' to: I don’t want to experience, feel, face or acknowledge this. 

And it is these two modes of the psychological mind (attraction and rejection), resulting from identification with an ‘I’, with all convictions connected to that, that make people suffer. The basic tenor of the ‘I’ is fear, in contrast to the basic tenor of Life itself, which is Love.

Some time ago, a client visited my practice with the following question: I feel such a massive difference between the way others view me and the way I feel inside, how is that possible? People see me as an independent and strong person, who can help others with advice and wisdom, but I feel insecure and afraid of rejection, especially falling short and not belonging, and I often feel that way…, like I’m not a part of the group, excluded (for the reader: this is the ‘I’ and the self-centered approach to life, the self-talk, the psychological mind; a collective inclination based on age-old conditioning).

I ask her whether she can show others this insecurity and vulnerability. In many cases, no, she shows the outer world a self-confident attitude.
Then it is not strange that the outer world views you that way, isn’t it? Yes, that is true, she says.
What scares you about showing your vulnerability and insecurity? I ask.
Well, she says, when I show that, I feel like I disappear or dissolve.
What do you mean, disappear or dissolve?
Well…, I have the feeling that I don’t belong, and then I see this image of myself, standing outside the circle.
Do you recognize this from the past? It seems to refer to a family in which there was no room for vulnerability, softness, insecurity…, did you feel like an outsider in your family?

And then the stories start to flow:
She graduated, and some family members were there but her father was absent. After the graduation ceremony they get home, and the family members confront her father: your daughter graduated, shouldn’t you congratulate her? Her father answers: it was no more than her duty. He turns around and walks away.

She goes to gymnastics, it is evening, she has a nasty fall, the teacher calls home and asks her father to pick her up. He tells the teacher: she should just work out a way to get home. That night, she sleeps in the house of her teacher and his wife. When she gets home the following day, her father walks away without greeting her or looking at her.

She falls off her bike in front of the kitchen window. There is blood, grazes, the bike is damaged. Her father says nothing, except: you will pay the damage to the bike yourself.

And there are many similar experiences to share, she says quite composedly (an attitude that relates to her question: showing no vulnerability).

Imagine, I tell her, that mankind incarnates here on earth with a package of convictions that the soul took on to resolve during this lifetime. And the circumstances in which a person is born matches completly with these convictions so that the soul has the possibility to resolve these beliefs…, to reach liberation, to clean up that facet of the diamond. And existence is merciful…, you can take as long as is needed…, one life or hundreds of lives…, it is up to you, existence makes no demands, it is eternally patient and compassionate.

And if we look from the perspective I just outlined: the soul who brings along a package of convictions to work out during this life (or a next one); the soul who attracts those circumstances that match these convictions…, then what is the conviction that ‘your’ soul wants to resolve, I ask?
 
What is the conviction, that has a deep imprint in you?

I can’t be vulnerable. Showing softness, vulnerability, pain and insecurity leads to lovelessness, rejection and exclusion.
Yes, I say…,  and that is exactly what your soul wants to solve in this life. Do you see the perfection of existence in this? Do you see how these circumstances match with what 'your' soul wants to experience and heal?

And can you see that vulnerability is a great power, which is very disarming, unlike your conviction that showing vulnerability only leads to rejection and lovelessness?

You live on one side of the spectrum, but like light and dark can’t exist without each other, vulnerability can’t exist without the other side of the spectrum: inner strength and independence. Existence is challenging you to unite or outgrow this seeming contradiction. Strength is only truly strength when it carries softness and relaxation within it (and vice versa).

It is up to you whether you face the resolution of this conviction, but if you continue to act (or avoid action) based on this conviction then nothing will change, you will remain the captive of this conviction and you will leave life with unresolved convictions.

Thankfully, existence is merciful and simply gives us another round to work out what has not yet been resolved. The question is whether this is what you want? No, she says, if possible I’d like to heal all in this life, but how?

See (Be Aware) how this pain shapes your actions. See the movements of the mind. The principle of attraction based on neediness/pain: searching for confirmation ‘I belong’ or doubting whether you belong. And the principle of rejection, i.e. avoidance: I don’t want to show vulnerability, because I don’t want to feel the pain of exclusion and lovelessness.

Break the pattern of avoidance: show your insecurity and vulnerability. Realize that you interpret others behavior based on this deep conviction: they will not like me if I am myself, if I also show my vulnerability and insecurity.

If your daughter-in-law doesn’t return a call, take responsibility for the way you interpret this, do a reality check: is it true that you don’t want to have contact with me? Yes that’s true, she may say, I know that you empathize, but I haven’t recovered from the concussion yet and I need rest. Feel the pain of exclusion when it is triggered, while realizing that the pain says nothing about your daughter-in-law, but everything about the interpretation that you attach to it; it is old pain (exclusion), a residue from this life and others, that is being triggered, that hasn’t healed yet.

What is going on in me, but what I don't say outloud to her: go meditate (Vipassana), so that Pure Awareness can sprout and then the convictions are seen through and gradually extinguish. 

From Pure Awareness it is much easier to clean up your history, because identification with the psychological mind (e.g. convictions) loosen up (or dissolve completly), so that the pattern of avoidance is seen through and the pain can melt, without much effort: it no longer feels so ‘real’ or ‘true’. 

From Pure Awareness rises the possibility of total liberation. 

Liberation is the light of the diamond in its totality and not merely one or a few facets like specific convictions based on karma that you (the 'I', ego) try to change in this life. If you only focus on solving all kind of issues of the psychological mind (the facets), total liberation is not possible, because the psychological mind, the 'I', the ego, stays in charge, you are the one who is working hard to improve your state of being, but it is the identification with the 'I' that causes the suffering in the first place. And the psychological mind will continue to bring up a new problem after you have resolved the previous one. So meditation is a strong medicine to provoke Pure Awareness, to break down the identification with the psychological mind (the 'I'). 

Pure consciousness means transcending the mind; the light is 'on' and it shines: all convictions/problems gradually extinguish naturally in the Light of Awareness; no strong effort or hard work (= the 'I') is necessary. Yes, sometimes we have to descend deeper into certain resistances, but from Pure Awareness it's a totally different experience (less painful) than going deeper into the resistance from the mind. 

So, meditation enables you to break free from the wheel of reincarnation and karma, because you transcend the mind = it is the highway. 

If Pure Awareness is not recognized, you will remain a prisoner of the mind, a prisoner of the 'I' throughout your life, you are working hard on all kind of issues, but liberation will not reviel and then rebirth is a fact.

Time and time again, I am amazed by the strong influence of these deep convictions, which shape the lifespan of a person without their awareness. I listen and hear the strong identification, which goes hand in hand with the thoughts and emotions (that they firmly believe), which emanate from these convictions. And I feel/hear/see the perfection of existence throughout this lifespan: the potential for liberation, for which the soul is longing, liberation from the deep imprints from this life and others, which is the force behind this birth in these circumstances. 

It is this suffering, which is caused by the 'I' with these convictions, that pushes people to start searching for healing. What a beautiful design of existence. 

And I also see the other side: the massive power of maya, the total identification with these convictions which people continue to repeat, an entire life until death follows… and the next life… from which I say: look for a living master, practice self-inquiry, practice Vipassana meditation (1), in order to escape from the hold that the psychological mind has over you (including what I feel and think is ‘true’). 

(1): for more information and an introduction to Vipassana, have a look at http: //www.vipassana.nl/ 

Boeddha: the best way to stay in samsara is to resist it. Samsara is the wheel of endless birth and death under the influence of delusion and karma which causes suffering. 


www.thehealingcircle.one 
Linked-In: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

I feel resistance, do I want to grow?



Isabel comes for a second session after she has canceled twice. She immediately starts to share what bothers her.
I don't know if I want this session. It wrenches in me, I feel resistance. Our previous session gave a lot of insight and at that moment I felt the value of it very strongly, but after a while it ebbed away and I fell back into my pattern.
In the last few months I have read several blogs of you and I went tree times through your notes of my previous consultation with you..., but I can't convert it into practice.
Okay, I say, awesome that you came, I feel your energy. I'm going to ask you something..., just look what's coming up... Is there a desire for growth in you, for liberation from patterns? Yes, Isabel says, I do long for 'something', but I don't know what... It is quiet for a moment and then Isabel says: "I would like to take a little more distance, want to choose more for myself and take less account of others."

Okay, so there is a desire in you for growth? Yes, says Isabel, but there is also something that keeps me from coming here. And that is? Fear..., that I don't have enough courage to really make that change. Because? I have to disappoint people, I am afraid that people get angry if I don't meet their expectations. How bad is that? May people be disappointed or angry? That is a human reaction, isn't it? You could also see it as a sign that they appreciate your presence otherwise it didn't mean anything to them.
Yes, that is true, but still...

I can't decide for you whether you want to grow or not. It is up to you to consider what is more important: devotion to yourself and liberation from suffocating patterns or maintaining the patterns, because it feels familiar, certain and safe, although it is oppresive. If you choose the latter, you will continue to invest a lot of time in others at the expense of yourself, you will continue to hoard what is bothering you, not expressing what is going on in you, adapting to others while they annoying you, keep everyone happy. Yes, says Isabel, that is the core..., keep everyone happy. And all that causes stress. Yes, says Isabel, it cost a lot of energy.

So, it is up to you to make the choice. I have no opinion about that. If you want to continue with your life as it is now..., it's okey. Only you can answer the question if you are ready to move, to start an inner growth that supports your well-being..., or not.

Let's look at a situation where the above is happening. Are you in for that? Yes, says Isabel, that's good. It concerns my mother. She is 86 years old and recently, at her request, she lives close to me. That was her wish. And I helped her with that. My mother is not an easy woman, she is someone who always thinks negatively, judges quickly and lives fairly selfishly. My father is no longer alive. The world of my mother has always been very small, she has no friends and almost no contacts. I actually supported my mother for a big part of her life, and still do.

I visit or call her everyday since she lives close to us. She indicates now that she is so alone, that she misses her neighbors, while she always told me that she had no contact with anyone in her previous home. So I don't understand her statement..., it is simply not true what she says. She says that she has nothing to do, but I don't see that. When I come I see that she is enjoying herself, doing all kind of things. Then, in my presence, she speaks to a new neighbor on the street and she says that it was my choice to move: "Isabel wanted it so much, so I moved for her." And that is not at all how it went..., she indicated that she wanted to live near me, because she is becoming more needy. I annoy myself immensely to those kinds of statements, which simply are not true.

And what do you say when you are confronted with such situations? Nothing, I close my mouth, I walk away or go to the toilet, it gives a lot of stress inside, because it is not true what she says. And if I ever say something about it, she says, "Oh, but I don't know that anymore."
Well, what can you say..., then you are spoken out.

Okay, I say, this is a situation that lends itself well to self-inquiry. Do you ever do self-examination? That you sit down and write down what is happening in you, what convictions exist in you? No. I would recommend that. Let's take a look. What lives in you when your mother tells the neighbor: "My daughter wanted me to live near her, I miss my neighborhood, my contacts." What is the interpretation you give to this statement from your mother? After some research Isabel comes to the core: that my mother is not happy with the move, that she has been put under pressure by me to come and live here.

Oh, interesting, I say..., how you look at it..., I had a completely different interpretation..., and that's so valuable from self-inquiry..., that you suddenly get a very clear picture what you stick to your mother's statement..., that is not the truth..., but that is what you see... That doesn't mean that your mother meant it that way..., you see this becasue you coloring it that way. Perhaps it is the other way around: that you felt pressured to move your mother your way through her statements about loneliness?

Do you know how I interpret her statement to the neighbour? No. That your mother indirectly want to say that she would like to have some contact with the neighbour. That is a very different coloring than you gave it. Not to say that this interpretation is correct..., it is more that I want to show you that everyone has their own view. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you realize that it is only a view, no more and no less, but if you assume that what you see is the truth, then there is friction and conflict within you and outside you.

Do you already feel that the identification with this view is coming off a bit? She nods. You can compare it with what is happening between you and me: we both look at the same situation, but you see something different then me. So you don't know from which intention your mother spoke to the neighbor in this way. I see that it resonates what we exchange with each other.

A next step may be that you start the conversation with your mother, not from accusation (what you say is wrong, you are lying), but from openness and understanding: everyone has his/her own coloring in of a situation. You share your interpretation ánd you ask about her experience. If you can see that it is your coloring in, then the load falls away, then you understand that it is not the truth, but an interpretation on your part. Then you can share that interpretation: Mom, I want to come back to the conversation you had with the neighbor... I felt irritated when you said you moved to this place because of me, I don't recognize that, I understood that you wanted to live closer to me, because you became more needy and yes..., you are right that it would be easier for me..., that's true, the knife cuts on two sides, but if you tell the neighbor that you moved because I wanted it so badly..., it just doen't feel true for me..., it gives me the feeling that you are not happy with the move and that you have felt pressured by me to move over here. I don't know if that is the case, that's how I see it, this is what I make of it, maybe you meant it very differently... So, I'm curious what's in you ma ...,

And then it may very well be that your mother says: Did I say that? I don't know it anymore. Or that she says: I have to get used to it, on this moment I don't feel really happy here, but that can change, I miss my house, my neighborhood, even though I felt lonely there, I still had my contact moments with the neighbors, it was not much, but I liked that, I just need a little more time before I feel at home again. Or: I also felt pressured, maybe you didn't meant that..., but I felt that I had no choice, I depend on you, so it was easier for you if I moved closer to you.

And then it's all about whether you can hear any answer from your mother, receive it without making it personal, without involving yourself (I didn't do it well, mom is not happy with it).

Realize that it's not about getting you right or defending your point of view, but that you have said what's bothering you... (instead of suppressing everything), and that the other person can share his/her experience. There is no right or wrong..., it is not that your perspective is correct and that of your mother is wrong, or the other way around: that the perspective of your mother is right and yours is not. We all create our own stories (interpretations) about reality. It's about sharing everyone's experience: "Oh, that's the way you look at the situation, that lives in you..., good to hear, I have another view."

Your mother and you don't differ from each other: you are both a prisoner of the mind. She sees everything negative and distorts facts according to your experience (that's her pattern) and you want to please everyone and hoard everything (that's your pattern).  You would like her to change, but as difficult as it is for her, it is for you too, right? Do you see that? Maybe it softens your perspective about her when you let that in: it is not easy to change, you need courage to take steps outside the comfort zone.

So the question is: 'Do you want to grow?' And if the answer is 'yes', then you take the resistance for granted, then you use every situation for your liberation, you go for it.

A week later I send her this blog to approve.
This is her reaction: I think it is very beautiful and clearly written and it has been very helpfull already. So clear to read it again and I can fully agree with the story. When I read it like this I am sure: yes, I want to grow and I can tell you that I am really working on it. I also had a good conversation with my mother and it was exactly as you described it... that it is indeed everyone's interpretation. Thank you for this beautiful blog.


www.thehealingcircle.one
Linked-in: Caroline Ootes