Alone but not lonely



Sounds familiar?: that you feel alone..., lonely. And that that has nothing to do with being alone. Being alone, in the sense of: without social contacts. On the contrary, you live with people, you meet colleagues at work, you visit family, friends..., and so on..., enough people around you, enough social exchanges..., and yet... you feel alone, lonely. 

What is that? From where do we feel alone..., lonely..., even when we are in company or on ourselves? Any idea? For years I have felt alone in the sence of 'lonely'. Actually, for a long time I didn't feel at home on planet earth and I didn't understand it. Enough people around me, I lacked nothing... and yet I felt lonely. For years I fled for those feelings by distraction. Too painful to really let in the feeling of loneliness. Recognizable? Do you recognize the escape routes that you use to avoid feelings of loneliness? Forms of distractions such as: a lot of food, alcohol/drugs, festivals, TV/series, get out every night, lots of acquaintances and friends, hard work, courses, training and therapy to work on yourself (in the hope that the feeling of being unhappy disappears). 

In short: we fill our time. We fill our time in with all kinds of distraction..., in order not to feel the void in us ..., to avoid the emptiness..., the emptiness that we all carry within us. It is not easy to enter into those feelings of loneliness when the power and insight are lacking that loneliness has nothing to do with outer circumstances, but with an inner quality: we are not at home in our-Selves, we are not at home in our Heart. And if we are not at home in our-Selves, then we look for 'it' (connection, contact, love) outside of us: then we need the other person. The other person must take away our feelings of loneliness, alienation and not being understood. The other person must approve us and makes us happy (which is impossible). And because of this conviction (that loneliness can only be solved by another), we feel dependent on others. We are not dependent, that is not our reality (we can take care of ourselves), but we have made ourselves dependent: we are convinced that we need the other person for our sense of well-being. And the assumption that we can't be happy without the other person, makes us dependent on the love and approval of the other. And then there is only one way to recieve the love we need: adapatation. So we constantly ask ourselves how we come across to others: how should I behave, what can I say/do and what is not desirable to say/do, what does the group expect of me (colleagues, friends, sports club, political party), what is not done, what is appropriate, what is expedient behavior to be accepted, to belong? 

In other words, we show the outside world a mask. We don't show what really matters to us, because when we show our true face, people reject us (we think). What we don't realize is that the rejection lives in ourselves (the critic in us): we reject ourselves, from which we are afraid that the other person will also reject us. And to avoid rejection, we do differently (cheerful, friendly, helpful, interested etc.) than what is going on in us at that moment, because yes..., we have made ourselves dependent on the confirmation and approval by others. Consequence: we give up our individuality, our-Self (a process that occurs from an early age). We follow, we become imitators, manipulators, otherwise we will not get what we need, we will be left alone. 

We become part of the crowd, in the adjustment..., in exchange for ...? Yes, for what? What does attention of the other mean if we have to give up our individuality? What does acceptance mean if we behave differently, if we don't dare to be ourselves? Yes, but it is like that..., we need the other person? Nobody wants to be alone? Nobody wants to stay behind, right? Oh, is that really true? Is happiness in life dependent on someone else? Or do we think this, because we don't know otherwise, because we live from the adjustment and we have lost our individuality. Do we think this because we have not yet started the confrontation with the emptiness? Because we avoid painful feelings of loneliness? As soon as the loneliness presents itself, we will take flight again. 

How do we know what is on the other side if we have never met the emptiness, the loneliness? Without the other, we are thrown back on ourselves. If we are thrown back on ourselves (quarrel, removal, relationship goes out, partner dies, friendship ends), feelings of loneliness will knock on our door. Stay with it, even if it causes fear and you want to run back to the other or to a flight route that is familiar to you. Enter the loneliness... Yes, it feels like an abyss of deep lack and emptiness, I know all about it. Deep lack and emptiness to what? To connect with our-Self, to connect with our essence: the Heart. And yes, courage is needed and insight to stay with the pain, but when we actually meet the emptiness, the loss and the loneliness, a melting process takes place. Slowly we come home to our Heart, we discover who we really are (apart from others), feelings of alienation dissolve, our individual Self rises, the adjustment and neediness (I need the other) disappears: you are and you experience that you have a good time with your Self. Your sense of well-being no longer depends on approval, confirmation, acceptance, appreciation, being seen or understood by the other person. Loneliness transforms into being-alone (being all-one: you are One). You are happy, without any reason, you don't need the other person. Not that you don't want to be with others... On the contrary: you are able to be with others and live together because you are yourself. I conclude with a paragraph of Osho (Zen tarot, card 9, aloneness) about loneliness versus being alone. 'Loneliness is a negative condition. You long for the presence of the other person, you long for real contact and connection, but the other person is absent and you are also absent, not present in the heart. 

Being alone, which is something other than loneliness, is the presence of yourself. Being alone means fulfillment, abundance, you don't need anyone, nice when there are others, but you don't need them to feel happy or fulfilled.

'Until you get comfortable with being alone, you will never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness'. (Mandy Hale) 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

When the heart is closed, the mind reigns.



When the heart is closed, the mind reigns.

We don't see reality as it is, it is the mind that determines what we see. And as long as the mind is at the helm, we look at reality from a colored pair of glasses. These glasses consist labels that we stick on ourselves, the other and the world.
Example: the world is unsafe, all those foreigners and refugees take over our country and commit violence against homosexuals and women.

In other words, we see reality through a veil of opinions, judgments, preferences and disapproval, religious beliefs and so on..., so we don't see reality as it is, but as we conceive it.
We are a prisoner of the mind, without realizing that.
And this is not an individual issue (some people have prejudices and others don't), no, it is a collective matter: humanity is not at home in the Heart.
We live from fear and distrust.
Fear of shortage: foreigners take our jobs and houses (conviction).
Fear of fellow man: Turkish people and Moroccans can't be trusted (profiteers and rioters).
Fear of condemnation and violence: as a homosexual we no longer walk hand in hand on the street, because we don't want to provoke others (conviction).
As long as we are not at home in the Heart, we are hurting ourselves and others. We are hurting ourselves with judgments about ourselves: the feeling of not being good enough, shame and guilt etc. 
And we hurt others, whom we label as 'profiteers', 'unwanted' and 'not welcome'.

Painful, because we are all people..., and no one is more or less than the other. Painful to be excluded as a Moroccan, Turk, refugee, gay, female, Jew... and so on. Cause: identification with the mind.

Identification with the mind means that we don't approach the other 'openly'. There is a veil of opinions between you and the other(s).
And this makes it so difficult to really understand each other, to meet each other from heart to heart. 
Consequence: discussion, wanting to be right (my point of view is true, yours not), misunderstandings (because we can't empathize with the other), quarrel, hatred, exclusion, war. 

We don't see the light in ourselves and therefore not in the other: the heart is closed. And we don't realize that we fill our ecosystem day in and day out with all our thoughts, opinions and judgments… 
We don't know better... From an early age we are brought up in the collective field of the mind. It is not surprising that the world looks like it is.

Do you recognize what I indicate? Do you recognize the tendency in yourself to continually value everything and everyone? 
Opinions all over the place...

Do you ever think about the impact of this tendency? The impact of all those judgments that we hold about ourselves and others? What does that do to us and to the other persons? Is it loving to criticize ourselves and others time and time again? 

How do we approach others when we assume that others are our enemy, not welcome? How do we approach others when we are afraid of others? What kind of energy do we transfer to others where they react on?

What does it do to Moroccans, Turks (etc.) and refugees, who are not allowed to participate in society? Is it loving to deal with fellow human beings in this way?

Do you ever reflect on the impact of all those convictions, opinions on society as a whole? And the world?

Well, the Mind versus the Heart.

Example: The polling station.
There is a man of immigrant origin with partner in a voting booth. 
The man wears a djellaba (long robe). There are some people waiting at the table where the ballots are handed out. The man of immigrant origin stands behind his partner, bent over her in the voting booth. 
A man, standing in the queue, speaks to the immigrant man with a loud, aggressive voice: 'Hey, what are you doing over there..., that isn't allowed at all..., you can't stand in the voting booth with someone else. A man who sits behind the table with the ballots, takes it over and says with firm charge: 'You are here in the Netherlands, you must comply with the rules of the Netherlands, it isn't allowed to be in the voting booth with two people. 
The waiting man takes over the baton again and says in a loud, aggressive tone: 'I don't know what you're doing there with that phone on the ballot, but that's forbidden.' 
To which the man of immigrant origin says: 'I help my wife, she can't read and write, and she also has the right to vote. 
The mood is charged and hostile.

Do you see the effect of the mind? The elaboration of judgments and opinions about the other? Any idea what images exist in the man, who is waiting in the queue, about the couple in the voting booth?

Possible images: 'Another foreigner who doesn't behave, who ignores the rules and then decides for his wife what she has to vote, she must certainly vote exactly what he deems good, all women of immigrants are being suppressed, just look, this is what happens here and now, we don't tolerate that.'

And what was the reality? The Muslim man helped his wife fill in the ballot. And the rule is that it isn't allowed that two people are in a voting booth. That's all. 

How would the situation have gone when the collective field is the Heart? 

And that's what I want to end this blog with: the Heart. 
There are people who receive refugees in their homes, there are people who guide refugees in the Netherlands, there are people who give Moroccans (etc.) a chance to participate in society, there are people who take an initiative to bridge the gap between population groups, a gap that is caused by the mind.

Not so long ago I watched a documentary: Nice People.
A documentary about a group of Somali immigrants in Borlänge, Sweden, who were be steamed in 2014 to participate in the world bandy band (a variant of ice hockey) in Russia as the national team of Somalia.
Look at the documentary from the Heart..., in my case the tears rolled down my cheeks. Wonderful to see and feel the effect of such an initiative on the immigrants and residents of the Borlänge. 
Google 'Nice People' or try this link: http://www.moviesthatmatter.nl/festival/programma/film/1881 

Finally, take a look at the way the mind works throughout the day. Observe all those opinions and judgments that go through you on a daily basis. Experience what it is like to live a day without judgments and opinions, to be present one day without preference or disapproval, to experience one day of your life from the Heart, out of compassion and openness. And if that doesn't work, then you may realize for the first time that you are a prisoner of the mind. 
Don't condemn yourself for that..., we are all ignorant of our true nature. 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

 

The heart speaks: a meeting in the supermarket.



I am in the supermarket to buy the last groceries for Christmas. 
At some point I hear someone calling my name: 'Ha Car...'. 
The voice sounds familiarly, well-known, even though I don't know yet to whom the voice belongs to. I turn around and look into the face of a man who is about 30 years old. I don't recognize him.
He sees from my eyes that there is no recognition and he says: 'Car, you know who I am, right?' 
I say: 'No, I don't recognize you..., I don't know who you are.'
While this exchange is going on, a picture of him from years ago appears before my mind's eye. Oh, it's Klaas...
Klaas says, 'It's me, Klaas.' 
'Yes, now I recognize you, I say, you have changed a lot. Your hair is different, another model..., and you have glasses and a red spot in your face that I haven't seen before..., and your whole appearance is different...' 'Yes, that's right', he says. 
I ask: 'How are you?' 
'Things are going well, he says. I have a different job since a few months, I am now a salesperson at an office.'
'You don't mean that, I say, that is really awesome.' 
'Yes, he says, I am finally gone as a salesman in a clothing shop.' 
And he talks about the change, the office, the colleagues, a big deal that he has managed to get in, the appreciation he received from his collegues and boss... 
And from that point on tears start to roll down my cheeks while Klaas is sharing his experiences. At some point, Klaas asks somewhat uncomfortable: 'What is happening in you, Car, do you have to cry? 
Are you crying for Simone?' (Simone is our daughter who died in the summer of 2016). 'No, I say, I'm not crying for Simone..., I'm so happy for you..., I feel so much thankfulness..., it feels like a blessing of the sky, a gift of existence that brought you and the company together..., and you are the right person for that job, I see you realizing those deals, you have all the qualities for it...,it feels so great for you..., I know you've wanted a change for a couple of years, you wanted to grow, go further, leave the branch of the clothing industry. I know that you have made efforts to develop yourself, but that the result didn't come true. I know your situation sometimes felt hopeless for you... as if you were forever tied to the job you had in the clothing store. And then to receive this message from you, after not having spoken to you for about 7 years..., yes, then I just feel love and gratitude..., I can feel what this change means to you...'
Klaas looks at me..., he is touched by my tears and words. He spreads his arms and I receive his invitation for a hugh. 
'Thank you, Klaas says, yes..., I am also very happy with this change..., you have felt that well Car, and expresses exactly how it is for me. And so we stand together in the supermarket, in each other's arms, while the tears flow in silence...
Wonderful... when the heart is open...


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships.



Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships: what do I mean by that? Below I describe an opportunity for each form of relationship to investigate hurts by sharing openly and sincerely. In the presence of the other you share what lives in you while the other listens; then the roles are reversed: you listen and the other person shares.

As long as we are identified with the mind, as long as we still consider our thoughts and emotions as 'true' (I am right, you are wrong), this exercise will be perceived as tough by both 'parties'.

Showing yourself fully during sharing requires openness and vulnerability, which isn't an easy task for many people, because the heart is not yet (fully) open.

And listening to the other person is also not easy. Before we know it, the mind functions, causing all kinds of thoughts (it is not true what you are saying) which undermines the connection with the heart.

Clear agreements are essential to give the emergence of mutual understanding a chance. Understanding of the motives and pain patterns of each other that led to the conflict.

So you agree with each other who will be the first to start with sharing and how much time everyone gets for the sharing and inquiry in presence of the other person.

You could start with 15 minutes per person, but it could well be half an hour, so that the person who is telling can quietly examine and share all the aspects (see previous blog).

The other person listens, is present and tries to hear and feel in what is being shared (which is not always easy when the person is talking about you). What is her or his experience of the situation?

Sometimes there are silences..., let it happen, don't assume that the one who shares is ready. You don't turn the roll until the time, that you have agreed upon, is over. In the silence, other aspects can still pop up or are further being explored.

The listener has the task of being a field of attention. The listener is not supposed to ask any questions to 'help' the other person if he or she falls silent. Keep listening, in silence, until the time is over. Then turn the roll without any evaluation or exchange about what has been said.

It is quite a challenge to remain 'empty' as a listener.
All kinds of opinions, judgments, emotions (mind) come by while you are listening to the experience of the other person. It occurs that you feel the urge to interrupt the other person to tell him/her the truth..., your truth: no, it isn't true what you are saying, it didn't go that way...

The question is whether that is the case. Do you see it correctly? What makes you assume that your interpretation of the conflict is correct and the interpretation of the other is not?

Why should one coloring of reality be correct and the other coloring not? They are both colorations or interpretations, both for those who share and for those who listen.

Do you realize that there is no right or wrong or truth at the moment that there are interpretations?

If you really realize that, then you realize that you are both a prisoner of a 'story', a story that the mind predicts you, a story that seems 'true' to you and 'true' to the other one, but it isn't, it's a story. Yes, that story can be painful…, that's true, especially if you believe in it.

Before we realize it, we are convinced that we are right and we blame the other person. We aren't aware that these accusations aren't about the other person but about aspects of ourselves.

We accuse the other person of selfish behavior (you don't take me into account at all) without realizing that we don't take ourselves into account, because we have learned from childhood that the other person gets priority. So you don't express your need or you even don't know what your need is or what you want... and you automatically adapt to the other person. 

Sharing can lead to an investigation into what these accusations we have about the other has to say about ourselves: I blame you for not taking me into account, but I discover that I haven't expressed enough what I like or consider as important..., I went along with your need and put my need aside, so I am actually angry with myself... that I let this happen again... that I didn't take responsibility for my need by speaking up. And then I say that you don't take me into account ..., and then I am angry with you, but that is not true, I find out that it is I who don't take myself into account, actually I should be a bit more 'selfish'. And I realize that it is also possible that we both have a different need at a certain moment..., that doesn't mean that I have to adapt to you in advance (what I automatically do as a result of the upbringing) or that you need to adapt to me..., we can then decide how we deal with the situation.

Well, it is not easy to free ourselves from the story that we have been completely identified with (you behave selfishly), but it is very essential to grow in consciousness.

So: realize what is going on..., you don't see reality as it is, neither the other one. A conflict means in advance: distortion of reality, you look through a colored pair of glasses at the other one and the other looks at you through colored glasses..., and you both believe what the mind previews.

If you take the above as a starting point, then sharing and inquiry in the presence of the other person can be enormously fruitful. 
If both 'parties' understand at an essential level that they don't hold the truth (which doesn't exist at the level of the mind: each person has his/her interpretations), if both 'parties' realize that they are responsible for the glasses that they have (colored glasses), if both 'parties' are willing to investigate the judgments and reproaches we have about the other, then sharing and examination in front of the other person is a great gift, a blessing.

Sharing in the presence of those with whom we are in conflict is therefore a tough exercise, but also yields a lot of self-insight and intimacy. There is nothing going underground that can blur the relationship. Everyone gets the space and the time to investigate what is going on. There is understanding for everyone's world of experience, the connection is cleaned up and the noise disappears: o, now I understand you, you come from that perspective, o..., that was happening in you..., that conviction was triggered from which you reacted so angry. There is again a clean slate.

Sharing leads to a deepening of contact, friendship or cooperation, but this is only possible if we are really willing to put our ego aside (I am right, you are wrong). We have to be willing to open ourselves completely so that we can feel and hear ourselves and the other person.
Try to listen from 'the void' (without the mind), from the heart.

If that 'emptiness' is not yet present in us, then it is important to see your judgments/opinions while you are listening to the other person: see the judgments, but don't act on it by disturbing the other person or by blaming the other when it's your turn (then you're a prisoner of the mind again, a prisoner of your story).

By the way: it doesn't mean that the story is 'true' or that you have to 'agree' or 'disagree' with the other... It isn't about 'true' or 'not true', everyone has her or his own interpretation, that's all.

And to be very precise: the goal of sharing is not to throw a bucket of mud over the other or spit your gall. No, then you haven't understood what is the basis of sharing and inquiry: examine and share the deeper motives and pain patterns from which you reacted as you reacted. And last but not least: to meet the other person and yourself on a deeper level from which mutual understanding unfolds.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

Justice: What would you do if ...?



"Sometimes you have to stop thinking so much and do what your heart is telling you."

Tell me what you would do? 
You walk on the street and you see an old woman being robbed by a man. What are you doing? Are you going for it? Do you stop that man? 
It is not right that an old grandmother is being robbed, is it? 
Then you have to intervene as a human being, right? 
You will not let that happen, right? says the one I speak during a meeting. So you intervene, he says, you go to that man, you give a few blows and pull that bag off him, which he just stole, but during the fight he falls badly on the street and becomes paralyzed..., what is justice then? Is it fair that the person who stood up for the grandmother is arrested? You have to do something when you see that happen, right? Then you can't help it that the other guy falls badly?

What would you do if you are placed in such a situation? he says to me. 

Before I can answer, he comes up with a following situation. 
Imagine that a woman is raped before your eyes. That is very intense, isn't it? If she is raped, she will be traumatized throughout her life, she has to go in therapy, because she no longer dares to walk alone... So you go for it, you will not let it happen, right?
You stop the man and give him a few punches.
Then the police come and they arrest you, I can't understand that... that's unjust? You have to intervene if you see something like that happening in front of you. 

What would you do in such a situation, he says to me, I am really curious about that.
I feel the dilemma of what he outlines about justice... 
Well, I say, it is not so simple... Yeh, what is justice? 
No idea, I say.
But what would you do in such a situation, he says. 
I really don't know, I say. I really don't know what I would do at such a time. Maybe I would intervene, maybe not. I can't give you the answer right NOW. If I answer NOW to that question, then that answer comes from the mind (a virtual reality that says nothing about Life itself). 
The answer that I give is conceived, it comes from the mind, it doesn't say anything about what actually unfolds when I am confronted with such a situation, so what is the use of answering this question? 
Every situation is different, even if it seems the same (grandmother being robbed), so the reaction to such a situation is unique. 

How can I predict in advance what the reaction of me will be? 
No idea..., apart from what is right or wrong..., because what is justice? Justice is a subjective fact: it is just how you look at it. 
Do you look at justice from the victim's glasses? Or from the perpetrator's glasses? Or from the eyes of the police and Justice?

And what if you wouldn't wear any glasses? What if you perceive reality as it is, without assumptions. What do you see then?

Some time ago, my partner came across a situation as described above.
I will describe it below.

He walks into the hall of the station and a man comes out, who seems to have stolen some clothes out of the shop (the alarm bell went off). 
The ladies of the shop walked behind the man to stop him. Coincidentally, at that moment my partner just passed the shop and before he knew it, he is facing the 'thief'. 
And..., what happened? I said to my partner. 
The 'thief' started yelling at me. 
What did he say? 
He said: Well, pull your weapon then? 
I say: You don't mean that, and then, how did you react? 
My husband said: I have no weapon (and he looked straight in the eyes of the 'thief'). And then? I said. 
The 'thief' shouted to me again: Well, grab your gun then? 
To which my husband once again said to the 'thief': I have no weapon, just look... (he rubbed his coat and pointed to his pockets, no weapon). 
At that moment this experience ended for my partner, the railway police had arrived and took the 'thief' with them. And my partner continued on his way home. Did you expect that you would react like that? I said. No, it just happened... His answer resonates..., and we think we can determine our reaction in advance... Were you afraid when the 'thief' yelled at you? Well, I felt a bit of fear, and yet I stopped...
Who or what determined that he remained standing on that spot? 

Who or what determines what happens at such a moment? 

Is there an 'I' that determines and can think in advance what you are going to do on such a moment? Or does Life determine what your reaction will be, Life that flows through you?

Quite often my children ask me: what should I do if... And then they outline a certain future situation (perhaps this study is too difficult for me, what do I have to do then?). 
And often my answer is: you are ahead of a situation that doesn't exist NOW, you are already busy with a future that isn't, a future that you don't know..., so what's the point of getting there already..., if the situation arises, trust that an answer will unfold, an answer that is right for you. 
More and more the children comprehend what I indicate. 
Yes, Mom, that's true..., I'm already worried about a future that isn't there. It's just like that, I say.

Go where you heart takes you. Follow your inner voice. 

www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes