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Wie of wat ben ik in essentie?



Wie of wat ben ik in essentie?

Stel je voor dat je geen enkele aanname meer hebt over jezelf..., dat alle etiketten/kwaliteiten die je jezelf (en anderen) toedicht van je afvallen...
Je identificeert je niet langer met bepaalde labels en eigenschappen: ik ben eerlijk, onrustig, vrolijk, introvert, inschikkelijk, gezellig, harmonieus, een zwartkijker, een dromer, een kunstenaar, trouw, slim, dom, creatief etc. Niets van dat alles...

Stel je voor dat je niet langer hecht aan bepaalde ideeën, overtuigingen, concepten, een geloof of een politieke partij... Ja, er komen opvattingen en standpunten voorbij, maar ten diepste realiseer je je dat deze betrekkelijk zijn, je houdt nergens aan vast, aan geen enkele overtuiging, omdat je beseft dat deze niet de waarheid - de essentie van ons zijn - weerspiegelen. Het zijn slechts ideeën, concepten, meningen die aan verandering onderhevig zijn. Wat we vandaag menen dat waar is, kan morgen weer anders zijn. En alles wat aan verandering onderhevig is (gedachten/emoties) weerspiegelt niet onze essentie, weerspiegelt niet Dat wat onveranderlijk is, onze Natuur, Beingness.

Stel je voor dat je je niet langer identificeert met alle rollen, die je vervult in je leven. De rol die je vervult vanuit je beroep of sociale rollen, inclusief alle opvattingen die we over deze rollen in ons dragen: ik ben getrouwd en dat betekent dat ik in het weekend niet afspreek met een vriend(in) (aanname), ik ben moeder/vader en als ouder dien je altijd klaar te staan voor je kinderen (aanname), ik ben oma/opa en als oma en opa zijnde ben je natuurlijk altijd bereid om op te passen (aanname) etc.

Stel je voor dat je niet hecht aan sekse, seksuele voorkeur of huidskleur: ik ben homo en als homo heb je het moeilijk in het leven (aanname), ik ben een neger en dat betekent dat blanke mensen je zullen discrimineren (aanname). Ik ben een vrouw, daarom krijg ik die baan niet, ze kiezen altijd een man, die worden niet zwanger (aanname). Geen identiteit op sekse, seksuele voorkeur of huidskleur, het neger/blank zijn of hetero/homo/bi zijn, definieert niet wie jij in essentie bent.

Stel je voor dat je geen wereldbeeld of mensbeeld hebt. Bijvoorbeeld: mensen zijn te vertrouwen, mensen zijn egoïstisch, mensen zijn harteloos, de wereld is een puinhoop etc. En je kent geen aanname over het leven zelf: het leven is goed, slecht, aangenaam, genadig, hard, eenzaam etc.

Je bent in dit moment, NU, zonder al die aannames, zonder gedachten, zonder rollen, zonder geloof of overtuigingen, zonder verwachting, zonder verlangen, zonder ambitie, zonder zelfbeeld (image), zonder doel, zonder geschiedenis, geen verleden, geen toekomst, geen naam..., niets.

Naakt, naakt en nog eens naakt...

Wat blijft er over als alles wat ons is aangeleerd, waar we in geloven..., van ons afvalt...?

Leegte, Essentie, Beingness, Puur Gewaarzijn, Waarheid, Realiteit, Liefde.

Puur Gewaarzijn zelf is absoluut (dus niet aan verandering onderhevig). Vele vormen en kleuren verschijnen in Puur Gewaarzijn, maar het Gewaarzijn zelf is onaantastbaar, neutraal, onvoorwaardelijk, immer aanwezig, zonder oordeel (gelijk de zon die immer en altijd schijnt).

Dat is onze essentie: Puur Gewaarzijn, Leegte..., oneindige ruimte..., waar alle energieën (gedachten, gevoelens) binnen komen, worden geregistreerd, gekend, gevoeld en weer los gelaten.

Er is geen vastomlijnd 'ik', er is Bewustzijn, er is Leven. Wij zijn het Leven zelf, wij zijn Bewustzijn. Onze essentie is Goddelijk, is Liefde.

De stroom van het Leven kent vele kleuren en vormen, die door ons heen worden ervaren en weer los gelaten. Tenzij we ons weer vast klampen en identificeren. Dan vergeten we wie we in essentie zijn en raken we verstrikt in de droom, de droom van illusies, de droom van de mind. We menen dat we de kleuren en vormen zijn, we menen dat we onze opvattingen, rollen, aannames, eigenschappen zijn (dit ben ik, zo is het, dit is waar en dat is niet waar). We menen dat we 'iemand' zijn. We raken geïdentificeerd met ons zelfbeeld, ons image. En identificatie leidt altijd tot 'lijden', 'botsing' en 'conflict' omdat de realiteit heel vaak niet overeenstemt met ons beeld, onze verwachting over onszelf of over de ander, de wereld en het leven.

Van waaruit voelen we toch zo zeer de behoefte om ons vast te klampen, de behoefte aan een vastomlijnd zelfbeeld, de behoefte aan 'dit ben ik' ?

We weten niet beter... We zijn zo groot gebracht... We hebben geleerd onszelf te zien als een afgescheiden 'iemand' met bepaalde kenmerken. Een ik-besef  (dit ben ik) is ons van jongs af aan mee gegeven.

Hoe zou het zijn om de greep op het denkbeeldige ik-besef los te laten? Om vanuit openheid en leegte te zijn? Om het Leven haar/zijn gang te laten gaan?

Om vanuit vertrouwen en totale ontspanning ons over te geven aan het bestaan? Om het roer uit handen te geven? Om mee te stromen met het bestaan zelf?

Verhaaltje: Illusies (Richard Bach)
Eens leefde er een dorp vol wezens op de bodem van een grote kristallen rivier. De stroom ging zwijgend over hen allen heen – jong en oud, rijk en arm, goed en slecht, de stroom ging haar eigen weg, en kende alleen haar eigen kristallen zelf.
Elk schepsel hield zich op de eigen manier stevig vast aan de takken en rotsen op de rivierbodem, want zich vastklampen was hun manier van leven en ieder had vanaf de geboorte geleerd om weerstand tegen de stroom te bieden.
Maar uiteindelijk zei een schepsel: 'Ik ben het beu om me vast te klampen. Hoewel ik het niet met mijn eigen ogen kan zien, vertrouw ik erop dat de stroom weet waarheen het gaat. Ik zal loslaten en het me laten voeren waarheen het wil. Als ik me nog langer vastklamp, zal ik sterven van verveling.'
De andere wezens lachten en zeiden: 'Dwaas! Laat los en die stroom die je zo aanbidt, zal je te pletter laten slaan op de rotsen en je zult sneller sterven dan van verveling!'
Maar die ene sloeg geen acht op hen en ademde diep in en liet toen los. Meteen werd hij door de stroom meegevoerd en tegen de rotsen aan geslagen. Na enige tijd, toen het schepsel weigerde zich weer vast te klampen, verhief de stroom hem echter boven de bodem en hij werd niet langer gekwetst. En de schepselen die stroomafwaarts leefden, voor wie hij een vreemde was, riepen: 'Aanschouw een wonder! Een schepsel als ons, toch vliegt hij! Zie de Messias, die is gekomen om ons allen te verlossen!'
En de ene in de stroom zei: 'Ik ben niet meer een verlosser dan jullie. De rivier schept er genoegen in om ons te bevrijden, als we slechts durven loslaten. Ons echte werk is deze reis, dit avontuur.'

Wij zijn de rivier..., onze echte werk is de reis van het leven Leven..., geef je over..., laat los en laat je dragen door het bestaan, door de stroom van het Leven zelf, want dat ben 'jij'..., Leven, Licht en Liefde...



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Alone but not lonely



Sounds familiar?: that you feel alone..., lonely. And that that has nothing to do with being alone. Being alone, in the sense of: without social contacts. On the contrary, you live with people, you meet colleagues at work, you visit family, friends..., and so on..., enough people around you, enough social exchanges..., and yet... you feel alone, lonely. 

What is that? From where do we feel alone..., lonely..., even when we are in company or on ourselves? Any idea? For years I have felt alone in the sence of 'lonely'. Actually, for a long time I didn't feel at home on planet earth and I didn't understand it. Enough people around me, I lacked nothing... and yet I felt lonely. For years I fled for those feelings by distraction. Too painful to really let in the feeling of loneliness. Recognizable? Do you recognize the escape routes that you use to avoid feelings of loneliness? Forms of distractions such as: a lot of food, alcohol/drugs, festivals, TV/series, get out every night, lots of acquaintances and friends, hard work, courses, training and therapy to work on yourself (in the hope that the feeling of being unhappy disappears). 

In short: we fill our time. We fill our time in with all kinds of distraction..., in order not to feel the void in us ..., to avoid the emptiness..., the emptiness that we all carry within us. It is not easy to enter into those feelings of loneliness when the power and insight are lacking that loneliness has nothing to do with outer circumstances, but with an inner quality: we are not at home in our-Selves, we are not at home in our Heart. And if we are not at home in our-Selves, then we look for 'it' (connection, contact, love) outside of us: then we need the other person. The other person must take away our feelings of loneliness, alienation and not being understood. The other person must approve us and makes us happy (which is impossible). And because of this conviction (that loneliness can only be solved by another), we feel dependent on others. We are not dependent, that is not our reality (we can take care of ourselves), but we have made ourselves dependent: we are convinced that we need the other person for our sense of well-being. And the assumption that we can't be happy without the other person, makes us dependent on the love and approval of the other. And then there is only one way to recieve the love we need: adapatation. So we constantly ask ourselves how we come across to others: how should I behave, what can I say/do and what is not desirable to say/do, what does the group expect of me (colleagues, friends, sports club, political party), what is not done, what is appropriate, what is expedient behavior to be accepted, to belong? 

In other words, we show the outside world a mask. We don't show what really matters to us, because when we show our true face, people reject us (we think). What we don't realize is that the rejection lives in ourselves (the critic in us): we reject ourselves, from which we are afraid that the other person will also reject us. And to avoid rejection, we do differently (cheerful, friendly, helpful, interested etc.) than what is going on in us at that moment, because yes..., we have made ourselves dependent on the confirmation and approval by others. Consequence: we give up our individuality, our-Self (a process that occurs from an early age). We follow, we become imitators, manipulators, otherwise we will not get what we need, we will be left alone. 

We become part of the crowd, in the adjustment..., in exchange for ...? Yes, for what? What does attention of the other mean if we have to give up our individuality? What does acceptance mean if we behave differently, if we don't dare to be ourselves? Yes, but it is like that..., we need the other person? Nobody wants to be alone? Nobody wants to stay behind, right? Oh, is that really true? Is happiness in life dependent on someone else? Or do we think this, because we don't know otherwise, because we live from the adjustment and we have lost our individuality. Do we think this because we have not yet started the confrontation with the emptiness? Because we avoid painful feelings of loneliness? As soon as the loneliness presents itself, we will take flight again. 

How do we know what is on the other side if we have never met the emptiness, the loneliness? Without the other, we are thrown back on ourselves. If we are thrown back on ourselves (quarrel, removal, relationship goes out, partner dies, friendship ends), feelings of loneliness will knock on our door. Stay with it, even if it causes fear and you want to run back to the other or to a flight route that is familiar to you. Enter the loneliness... Yes, it feels like an abyss of deep lack and emptiness, I know all about it. Deep lack and emptiness to what? To connect with our-Self, to connect with our essence: the Heart. And yes, courage is needed and insight to stay with the pain, but when we actually meet the emptiness, the loss and the loneliness, a melting process takes place. Slowly we come home to our Heart, we discover who we really are (apart from others), feelings of alienation dissolve, our individual Self rises, the adjustment and neediness (I need the other) disappears: you are and you experience that you have a good time with your Self. Your sense of well-being no longer depends on approval, confirmation, acceptance, appreciation, being seen or understood by the other person. Loneliness transforms into being-alone (being all-one: you are One). You are happy, without any reason, you don't need the other person. Not that you don't want to be with others... On the contrary: you are able to be with others and live together because you are yourself. I conclude with a paragraph of Osho (Zen tarot, card 9, aloneness) about loneliness versus being alone. 'Loneliness is a negative condition. You long for the presence of the other person, you long for real contact and connection, but the other person is absent and you are also absent, not present in the heart. 

Being alone, which is something other than loneliness, is the presence of yourself. Being alone means fulfillment, abundance, you don't need anyone, nice when there are others, but you don't need them to feel happy or fulfilled.

'Until you get comfortable with being alone, you will never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness'. (Mandy Hale) 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships.



Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships: what do I mean by that? Below I describe an opportunity for each form of relationship to investigate hurts by sharing openly and sincerely. In the presence of the other you share what lives in you while the other listens; then the roles are reversed: you listen and the other person shares.

As long as we are identified with the mind, as long as we still consider our thoughts and emotions as 'true' (I am right, you are wrong), this exercise will be perceived as tough by both 'parties'.

Showing yourself fully during sharing requires openness and vulnerability, which isn't an easy task for many people, because the heart is not yet (fully) open.

And listening to the other person is also not easy. Before we know it, the mind functions, causing all kinds of thoughts (it is not true what you are saying) which undermines the connection with the heart.

Clear agreements are essential to give the emergence of mutual understanding a chance. Understanding of the motives and pain patterns of each other that led to the conflict.

So you agree with each other who will be the first to start with sharing and how much time everyone gets for the sharing and inquiry in presence of the other person.

You could start with 15 minutes per person, but it could well be half an hour, so that the person who is telling can quietly examine and share all the aspects (see previous blog).

The other person listens, is present and tries to hear and feel in what is being shared (which is not always easy when the person is talking about you). What is her or his experience of the situation?

Sometimes there are silences..., let it happen, don't assume that the one who shares is ready. You don't turn the roll until the time, that you have agreed upon, is over. In the silence, other aspects can still pop up or are further being explored.

The listener has the task of being a field of attention. The listener is not supposed to ask any questions to 'help' the other person if he or she falls silent. Keep listening, in silence, until the time is over. Then turn the roll without any evaluation or exchange about what has been said.

It is quite a challenge to remain 'empty' as a listener.
All kinds of opinions, judgments, emotions (mind) come by while you are listening to the experience of the other person. It occurs that you feel the urge to interrupt the other person to tell him/her the truth..., your truth: no, it isn't true what you are saying, it didn't go that way...

The question is whether that is the case. Do you see it correctly? What makes you assume that your interpretation of the conflict is correct and the interpretation of the other is not?

Why should one coloring of reality be correct and the other coloring not? They are both colorations or interpretations, both for those who share and for those who listen.

Do you realize that there is no right or wrong or truth at the moment that there are interpretations?

If you really realize that, then you realize that you are both a prisoner of a 'story', a story that the mind predicts you, a story that seems 'true' to you and 'true' to the other one, but it isn't, it's a story. Yes, that story can be painful…, that's true, especially if you believe in it.

Before we realize it, we are convinced that we are right and we blame the other person. We aren't aware that these accusations aren't about the other person but about aspects of ourselves.

We accuse the other person of selfish behavior (you don't take me into account at all) without realizing that we don't take ourselves into account, because we have learned from childhood that the other person gets priority. So you don't express your need or you even don't know what your need is or what you want... and you automatically adapt to the other person. 

Sharing can lead to an investigation into what these accusations we have about the other has to say about ourselves: I blame you for not taking me into account, but I discover that I haven't expressed enough what I like or consider as important..., I went along with your need and put my need aside, so I am actually angry with myself... that I let this happen again... that I didn't take responsibility for my need by speaking up. And then I say that you don't take me into account ..., and then I am angry with you, but that is not true, I find out that it is I who don't take myself into account, actually I should be a bit more 'selfish'. And I realize that it is also possible that we both have a different need at a certain moment..., that doesn't mean that I have to adapt to you in advance (what I automatically do as a result of the upbringing) or that you need to adapt to me..., we can then decide how we deal with the situation.

Well, it is not easy to free ourselves from the story that we have been completely identified with (you behave selfishly), but it is very essential to grow in consciousness.

So: realize what is going on..., you don't see reality as it is, neither the other one. A conflict means in advance: distortion of reality, you look through a colored pair of glasses at the other one and the other looks at you through colored glasses..., and you both believe what the mind previews.

If you take the above as a starting point, then sharing and inquiry in the presence of the other person can be enormously fruitful. 
If both 'parties' understand at an essential level that they don't hold the truth (which doesn't exist at the level of the mind: each person has his/her interpretations), if both 'parties' realize that they are responsible for the glasses that they have (colored glasses), if both 'parties' are willing to investigate the judgments and reproaches we have about the other, then sharing and examination in front of the other person is a great gift, a blessing.

Sharing in the presence of those with whom we are in conflict is therefore a tough exercise, but also yields a lot of self-insight and intimacy. There is nothing going underground that can blur the relationship. Everyone gets the space and the time to investigate what is going on. There is understanding for everyone's world of experience, the connection is cleaned up and the noise disappears: o, now I understand you, you come from that perspective, o..., that was happening in you..., that conviction was triggered from which you reacted so angry. There is again a clean slate.

Sharing leads to a deepening of contact, friendship or cooperation, but this is only possible if we are really willing to put our ego aside (I am right, you are wrong). We have to be willing to open ourselves completely so that we can feel and hear ourselves and the other person.
Try to listen from 'the void' (without the mind), from the heart.

If that 'emptiness' is not yet present in us, then it is important to see your judgments/opinions while you are listening to the other person: see the judgments, but don't act on it by disturbing the other person or by blaming the other when it's your turn (then you're a prisoner of the mind again, a prisoner of your story).

By the way: it doesn't mean that the story is 'true' or that you have to 'agree' or 'disagree' with the other... It isn't about 'true' or 'not true', everyone has her or his own interpretation, that's all.

And to be very precise: the goal of sharing is not to throw a bucket of mud over the other or spit your gall. No, then you haven't understood what is the basis of sharing and inquiry: examine and share the deeper motives and pain patterns from which you reacted as you reacted. And last but not least: to meet the other person and yourself on a deeper level from which mutual understanding unfolds.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes