Fixed ideas: Als iets niet resoneert, dan vertrouw ik het gewoonweg niet.

Enige tijd geleden ontving ik een mail waarin Wim (gefingeerde naam) aangaf dat bepaalde persoonlijke informatie, die ik met hem deelde niet resoneerde bij hem en dus ook niet klopte voor hem. Hij gaf aan bij zijn waarheid te willen blijven.
Niets mee mis, allebei een andere kijk op dat wat werd gedeeld, zou je zo zeggen. Ware het niet dat ik enige verkramping voelde in de vasthoudendheid van de opmerking die Wim plaatste. En dat wat ik deelde ging niet over hem, maar over mij waarbij het delen niet bedoeld was om enig advies of een mening van hem te ontvangen; ik deelde gewoon in alle openheid het een en ander. Opvallend dat Wim blijkbaar niet vanuit diezelfde openheid kon luisteren. Integendeel: hij liet naderhand weten dat als iets niet resoneert, het dan ook niet klopt voor hem.

Na een eerste uitwisseling tussen ons, zijn reactie gelezen hebbende, de bevestiging van hem gekregen hebbende dat hij open stond voor wat nadere feedback, stuurde ik hem onderstaande mail om een ander perspectief aan te reiken.

Zie hieronder:
Ha Wim,
Dank voor je reactie.
Je geeft aan dat als iets niet resoneert, je het gewoonweg niet vertrouwd.
Daar wil ik graag op ingaan. Ik wil niets afdoen aan jouw gevoel…en wil toch de nodige vraagtekens stellen bij de zin waarin jij aangeeft dat je ‘jouw’ waarheid niet teniet wil doen.
Wat is waarheid? En in hoeverre is ‘mijn’ waarheid waar?

Even een uitstapje:
Gisteravond lag ik op de bank en luisterde ik naar een satsang van Osho en de volgende zinnen raakten mij:
This is your understanding. You hear according to yourself. You see according to yourself. Because you have a fixed pattern of hearing and seeing. This has to be dropped. To know existence all fixed ideas has to be dropped. 

Your eyes should be just windows, not projectors. Your ears should be just doors, not projectors.

Jij zult mogelijk aangeven dat er geen sprake is van fixed ideas (als het niet resoneert, dan klopt het niet voor mij) of van projectie, maar dat het gewoon je gevoel is. Maar in hoeverre is je gevoel zuiver of ‘waar’ als het hart nog niet volledig open en schoon is?

De hoogste waarheid is de taal van het hart: dan ontmoet je de ander zonder de drang van het ego (zoals je aangeeft in je reactie) om er iets van te vinden; dat leeft niet, je stemt je af op de innerlijke stroom van de ander, je bent de ander…, van waaruit je de ander kan verstaan. Dat is de taal van het hart.

Wanneer het hart nog niet volledig open en schoon is, dan luisteren en kijken we vanuit de mind: we projecteren, we interpreteren, we vinden er wat van…en dat is wat de ander voelt. De luisteraar is dan meer met zichzelf bezig, dan dat hij/zij aanwezig is bij degene die deelt.

Overigens wil dat niet zeggen dat op enig moment wat feedback gegeven kan worden…, als de ander daarom vraagt of als de ander bevestigend antwoordt op de vraag of er wat feedback gegeven mag worden. En soms vindt ongevraagd gegeven feedback plaats, ook dat komt voor; de ander wordt een ander perspectief aangereikt wat in een proces dienend (en confronterend) kan zijn, ook als de ander het op dat moment niet als zodanig ervaart. En soms is er geen herkenning van de feedback. Het is niet zwart-wit; het een of het ander.

Wat ik in de afgelopen jaren heb ontdekt is dat alles projectie is, werkelijk alles, totdat het hart transparant is. Op het moment dat dit diep doordringt, ontstaat er als vanzelf enige voorzichtigheid met het ventileren van een waarheid (over de ander), die voort komt uit ‘dat is gewoonweg mijn gevoel’.

Als jij aangeeft dat je mij niet wil weg zetten of verwerpen zoals je in het verleden met mensen deed, en je aangeeft dat je wil vast houden aan jouw waarheid (gevoel/mening) en tegelijkertijd wil ontdekken hoe je dan toch de ander kan ontmoeten, dan vraag ik mij het volgende af: Wat maakt dat je wil ‘vasthouden’ aan ‘jouw’ waarheid? Heeft degene die in openheid over zichzelf deelt naar ‘jouw’ waarheid gevraagd?

Ergens voel ik een verkramping daarin…hoe zou het zijn om gewoon aanwezig te zijn bij de ander, je te verplaatsen in de ander, in de achtergrond of innerlijke stroom van de ander, zodat je de ander wellicht wel kan horen, zien en voelen?

En zou het zo kunnen zijn dat je vast wil houden aan ‘jouw’  waarheid, omdat jouw waarheid in het verleden werd weg gezet of direct werd ontkend en verworpen, van waaruit je een drang voelt om, tegen alle stromen in, jouw waarheid overeind te houden: als het niet resoneert, dan klopt het niet voor mij.

Dit zijn zo wat overwegingen; het is aan jou om te onderzoeken (of niet) of iets resoneert en wat die resonantie jou dan te vertellen heeft. Ik ben benieuwd wat er in beweging komt…
En fijn, dank je wel dat je je open stelt voor feedback ook al voelt het mogelijk wat spannend zoals je zelf aangeeft in onze vorige uitwisseling.

Veel liefs,
Caroline

Een samenvatting van zijn reactie:

Hoi Caroline,
Dank voor je mail., deze mail ervaarde ik heel anders dan de vorige. Bij het lezen van je mail voelde ik gelijk een warm gevoel in m’n hart. Nu ik ‘m weer lees is dat weer zo.

Ben nu al een paar dagen niet lekker. Ik hang op de bank en kijk wat tv.
Ik voel me daardoor ook wat kwetsbaarder en de gedachte aan je mail kwam weer op.

Net weer gelezen. Ja, ik voel dat er inderdaad een verkramping zit.
Wat is dan waarheid? Geen idee. Weet wel dat ik dat altijd onderzoek op het level dat ik kan zien of horen.

En juist door dit aan te gaan met jou en erover te sparren komt er weer wat meer ruimte. Alleen al de mogelijkheid het open te laten dat ik geen gelijk hoef te hebben of dat wat mijn gevoel zegt niet hoeft te kloppen doet dat al.
Dank voor de uitwisseling Caroline.

Liefs,
Wim

Voor de lezer: Observeer jezelf eens in intieme uitwisselingen met anderen.
In hoeverre ben je werkelijk aanwezig bij de ander? In hoeverre voel je en zie je het wezen van de ander van waaruit je de ander kan verstaan? Je zou kunnen zeggen: in hoeverre staat jouw wezen ‘aan’, waardoor je de ander in en vanuit het hart ontmoet?

Luister je vanuit openheid, afgestemd op de innerlijke stroom van de ander, zodat je de ander kan ontvangen, horen en voelen?

Of luister je vooringenomen? Luister je vanuit de mind, vanuit de criticus? Weeg en beoordeel je de informatie, die in een persoonlijke uitwisseling wordt gedeeld? Betrek je alles op jezelf, terwijl het niet over jou gaat, maar over de ander? Luister je vanuit een fixed idee: klopt dit wat de ander zegt of klopt dit niet?
Check ook eens gaande de uitwisseling of je ander wel juist hebt verstaan.

Enkele jaren geleden wisselde ik samen met een vriendin uit. Op enig moment moesten we allebei heel hard lachen en vroeg zij: waar lach jij nu om? Wat bleek: we lachten allebei om iets totaal anders, terwijl we beiden dachten dat we om hetzelfde lachten. Allebei lachten we vanuit een eigen projectie. Heel vermakelijk.
We denken de ander te verstaan, maar heel vaak horen en zien we alleen dat wat in ons leeft: onze overtuigingen, aannames, onze inkleuringen dus.

Tot slot:
Onderzoek eens wie de ander is voorbij jouw gedachten en evaluaties over de ander.
Wie is de ander werkelijk, voorbij jouw beeld en interpretaties over de ander?

Mensen zijn niet wat wij over hen denken
Nogmaals: mensen zijn niet wat wij over hen denken

Kijk eens naar de mensen waar je dagelijks mee leeft en optrekt: wat is de box waar je hen in hebt gestopt (zo zijn zij/aannames/oordelen) waar je aan hecht?

Zelfs de mensen die we het beste kennen, zijn eigenlijk diep mysterieus.

 

Emotions are not good or bad: they are. I'm jealous.



        I am jealous.                  

Emotions are not good or bad: they are. 
They are there because they have a message for you. 
The fact that emotions and thoughts are there, indicates that they have a right to exist. They are. They come from the Void, from the Source, from Beingness. 

If we are identified with - in our eyes - unpleasant emotions and thoughts, then there is suffering. If we view our emotions and thoughts - from pure awareness - then there is space around these emotions and thoughts. Then there is the possibility to judgment-free observation of everything that takes place in us. 

No emotion or thought is good or bad: they are. At the moment that we can perceive emotions and thoughts, there are other options for these 'annoying' emotions and thoughts, namely: self-examination. 

Example: 
I am jealous, says Suzanne. It really doesn't make sense, but it is true. What is the situation? Suzanne went with her boyfriend to a massage parlor. They both had a massage appointment that took place simultaneously in a separate room reserved for them (without other massage customers). 
Okay, I say, and what happened then? Well, there was an old masseuse and a young masseuse. The young masseuse first washed my feet and then washed the feet of my friend. Yes, and then? 
I (Suzanne) thought: the young masseuse will give me a massage, because she washed my feet first... and the old masseuse will give a massage to my friend, but that's not how it went... 
The young masseuse went to my friend and the older masseuse came to me to give me a massage. Okay, I say, and then? 
Well, I couldn't stand it that the young masseuse was going to massage my friend, while I really, deep down, wanted the old masseuse, because they aren't so soft as young masseuses and I like a solid massage. 
And then, what happened in you? I say. 
I couldn't enjoy the massage at all. I thought: that young masseuse has deliberately swapped with that old masseuse so she could massage my friend. The whole time I was keeping an eye on her while she was busy with my boyfriend and I felt very jealous. And then another thought came up: I can't be jealous, that is stupid. 

Good that you see all that, I say. And if you do some more research now, do you realize that you are driven by interpretations? The interpretation is that the young masseuse was actually meant for you, because she was washing your feet first. 
Why should she be meant for you? Because she first washed your feet? 

And is the thought 'true' that she would rather massage your friend? Could it be that the old masseuse is spared a bit and that the appointment is that the young masseuse washes all the feet? 

Or that the old masseuse gave instructions to the young masseuse that she had to give your friend a massage... Or another explanation..., many possibilities why situations run as they go... 

And you color it as you see it, not as it really is, but as you see it. It is your interpretation, your coloring of the situation, it says everything about you than about the situation itself. 
Yes, says Suzanne, that is true, it are all assumptions on my part..., of course I don't know what actually takes place in the head of the masseurs. 
No, I say, exactly, you don't know. You are coloring the situation with all kind of images..., we all do, you are really no exception. Until we start waking up from our assumptions... and see that we look at the outside world through a colored pair of glasses…

Okay now a step further: if every emotion has something to tell, what does the jealousy of this moment tell you? 
What is hidden behind the jealousy? 
That he gets so much attention from her..., she says, that they are so intimate with each other. 
And what does that tell you? 
I'm actually jealous of the attention he gets. 
And if everything is projection, what does this tell you? 
That I long for his attention, for attention for each other.
Is that completly correct? Is this what is hidden behind the jealousy? I ask.
Yes, says Suzanne, last week/weeks we had a very busy time with a lot of visitors, we had little time for each other and I felt that I wanted to spend some time alone with him, but there was no space for that, at least that's what I thought. 
A friend (woman) of my boyfriend stayed with us for one week before she would go abroid again and my boyfriend mainly paid attention to her, he didn't see me at, all attention went to her.
Okay: and how would it be for you to ask for that attention? 
Hard, says Suzanne. Because? 
Well, I don't find it easy to recognize that I need attention from him. Okay, so there seems to be a ban on needing attention? I say. 
Yes, says Suzanne..., I hadn't seen it that way yet... 
Well, then you know what you have to do, I say. 
Express your need: Dear darling, I would love to spend some time together with you, I have missed you over the past few weeks and I feel like a small child who needs attention... and I was very jealous of that friend of yours who asked so much attention from you... and then you also got that young masseuse who was so intimate with you..., I couldn't stand it any longer, I want you all for myself, when is that possible? 
Oohh, she says, exciting to share so openly what is happening in me and to put my need for attention in the light and express it, but I will do it.
I'm curious, I say. The need for attention melts automatically when the taboo is seen through. Recognize that this need for attention lives in you..., utter yourself, live the need of attention..., until it is no longer an issue..., because you don't make it an issue anymore, because attention versus no attention as imprint (pain point) in your system goes out. Then there is no more charge on the theme of 'attention'. But if you resist this need, the charge will only increase and jealousy will stick to you for a long time. And I know everything about that… 

And if you don't get the attention you ask for, because your friend makes another choice at that moment..., and it hurts…, feel the pain. It's the pain of the young child that didn't get the attention she needed. Feel the pain, knowing that it is 'old pain' without blaming your friend for not having attention for you at that moment.Take responsibility for your own 'old pain'.
And make a new appointment with your friend for quality time.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

Ways to feel and dissolve (existential) pain.



Projection: I have no one, I feel lonely ...

How can I get to the root of a particular pain? And are there other ways to break through identification with the mind, identification with the 'I' (the source of all suffering)? 
Yes, there are other direct roads to liberation that I will share in another blog, but first some depth on feeling pain.

Feeling pain is really only necessary when the pain is actual. In other words: the pain feels so real that you can't ignore it. Often we are fully identified with the pain, fully identified with the story that the mind has figured out for this pain. For example, you feel deeply and deeply lonely, no one who really loves you, you think..., all alone. And you can't detach yourself from the story that the mind has thought about as the cause: I feel lonely, I am all alone and that is because I have no partner. You fully believe the picture that the mind offers you. You don't realize that you are not alone and have never been alone. How can you be alone at all if you are part of life itself? How can you be alone if you are part of existence itself? In addition, there are always people around you: people you meet in the supermarket, colleagues, friends, family etc.

You are not alone, you feel alone, you feel lonely, as every person feels deep down alone through the pain of separation, the identification with an 'I'.

We believe the story that the mind comes up with (I am alone, because I have no partner) and don't realize that the pain originates in the separation, which takes place at a young age, when we are confirmed time and again by our environment that we are a self-contained person, an 'I', who is separate from others, an 'I' who is separate from life itself, separate from other life forms: there is a separation, which is not real, but feels that way (=the ego).

As long as we don't see through the 'I' and the mind, the mind will create a story about the pain we are experiencing on that moment: I feel lonely and that is because I have no partner.

Looking from the perspective of our actuality, we can conclude that, for example, we live alone, without a relationship, that is all. The pain of loneliness is triggered by the stories that the mind creates: you think you need others to experience light and love in your existence. You seek light and love outside yourself, in others, instead of discovering Light and Love within yourself. Okay, so is it then..., for the moment. You are fully identified with "loneliness" and the story surrounding it.

How do you embrace that pain? asked a blog reader.
The moment the pain is clearly present and you are on your own: go inside. For example, use music: songs that release the pain 'loneliness' for you, so that the grief which is hidden behind the thought 'I feel lonely and that is because I have no partner' can start flowing.

Realize it's a picture (even if it doesn't feel like it now), a story based on identification with the mind. The real origin of this pain is not that you are alone, but that you deep down feel separate from others, from existence, and above all from yourself ... through identification with an 'I' and identification with the mind.

Be totally present with this primal pain called 'loneliness'. Go all the way in and be present, be aware while the pain is melting down. Feel where the pain of 'loneliness' resides in your body: your belly, heart, throat ...? And be present.

Yes..., but what do you mean by 'be present'?
By that I mean that there is "something" that perceives this pain, otherwise you would not be aware at all that the pain of loneliness has been triggered in you.

How do you know that a certain pain is active in you?
You know that, because there is "something" (Consciousness) that perceives this pain. I call that 'something' 'presence'.

It is also called Buddha nature or Pure Awareness or Beingness.

Our essence is Consciousness (Pure Awareness) and within that Consciousness the primal pain 'loneliness' appears. From that 'something', from Pure Awareness, look at this pain and allow the pain to the bone, so that it can melt. No stories, no analyzes ...

Yes, it is possible that some images from the past are triggered spontaneously, memories that are linked to 'loneliness'..., see them pass by without being absorbed, they are memories, past times, just ideas that have no reality value in the NOW, the experiences are (long since) over, they no longer exist in the present, and bottom line it is not about loneliness linked to certain experiences in this life (those are only superficial layers of pain related to the personality), but it is about loneliness, which comes from our state of being as humanity: it is the pain of separation. So feel this primal pain, the pain of separation, that's what it is all about: feel completely how 'loneliness' feels..., so that this primal pain can melt.

If you are not Present with this pain, you lose yourself in the pain, then you become the pain yourself, you become totally identified with the feeling of loneliness and you can no longer see (no Awareness) that the mind creates a story about loneliness, you think your story is really true, that you are really lonely, because there is no partner in your life on this moment; the result is that you feel deeply miserable. Then you are in the grip of the mind (ego), then you don't see that we are all afflicted with the pain of separation (it is not something personal). The solution is not finding a partner, the solution is not in the outside world. The solution lies in understanding the cause of this pain: identification with an 'I' and identification with the mind. Hence the importance of Awareness.

Throughout our life we ​​have been focused on avoiding pain. Go the other way: meet the pain, from Awareness, and discover its effect. You see reality as it is again, without the story of the pain of loneliness, and you have given space and attention to melting this primal pain.

In addition to music, you can also use other inputs to express the pain of loneliness, for example painting or other creative expressions. Do not force, turn inside when the pain is topical (severe). See which entrance works for you.

Well, that is waking up: realizing that you are not the story (I am lonely, because ...), but you are That where the story appears in (Beingness, Pure Awareness). When you realize That, you become detached from identification with emotions/thoughts; then we are able to meet the pain (without resistance) from awareness. 

And you can't force the shift from mind to Beingness or Pure Awareness…, that is Grace…
You can work with the pain that arises when the pain is triggered (feeling loneliness). You can  see through the mechanism of projection (which pictures do I stick to reality?) and above all investigate deeper and deeper the identification with an 'I'..., but the shift from the emotional/mental layer to That (Pure Awareness) is something you can't control…, you can't do it..., it awakes in you at some point in time as Awareness. And then it really becomes possible to allow old pain to the bottom.

And are there other ways to break through identification with the mind/ego, with emotions and thoughts (the pictures)? Yes, above all meditation. And a 'method' described in the blog: transforming beliefs, the direct way.

If you need support, feel free to contact me.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

 

Projection: Don't leave me...



Projection: Which images do you stick onto reality? Don't leave me...  

'Yes, nice, that blog of yours about attaching images, but it is really true that he left overnight. Although you say that I am not the emotions and thoughts, I feel a lot of pain, disbelief, anger and sadness. So, what's up with that?'

Well, not easy and very recognizable, because sometimes I am also surprised by an image that I identify with (that I believe and value as truth) from which a story arises with the result of 'suffering'.

A few years ago there was such a situation.

The joints..., that is a weakness in 'my' body. I had just started in the gym: to work on my condition. I started calmly, but soon I experienced an injury in the knee joint. The knee became thick and the doctor indicated that a piece of bone might have been loosened (a joint mouse) which caused the pain. In addition, before the knee injury, I had given our bathroom a cleaning. Let me try again, I thought, even though I knew (memory) that the shoulder joint doesn't really appreciate it, but you never know. After giving the shoulder joint rest for some months, it seemed worthwhile to try and see what cleaning the bathroom meant for the body (the shoulder and the knees). Pain and limitation were the result.

These two situations led to identification with the pain, identification with the body, and the following story arose after a visit to the doctor: 'Gee, the left ankle worn out and the right kneecap..., now also the left knee and again my right shoulder..., if this goes on, what will happen with this body in the future?
What if I ever stand alone?' And then the GP casually says: 'It will not get better in the future, only worse... and there is little we can do, you will have to live with it.'

Sadness overwhelmed me when I got home..., and I noticed that I identified myself with the GP's thoughts, I believed them, I got caught in them, the joint pain was fixated by the mind. The story of the GP and the pain itself were taken by the mind as: forever, the rest of my life, always that pain and it only gets worse... I saw myself being taken away by the thought (the story of the GP), the emotion (grief), the pain (which was reinforced in the consciousness by the story I believed).

Well, everything you give attention... grows. And for a few days, now and again, I was crying.  Until the moment I woke up again from the dream, from the story that had started through the events with the knee/shoulder and the communication with the GP. I became present again, in the NOW. And I realized that I didn't know what the future would bring. Yes, the doctor's story could be true (that it will only get worse), but what the future really has in store for this body is unknown. If I fully go along with what the doctor mirrors, if I identify with the image (an idea, not reality itself) of a possible future (which doesn't exist, only the NOW), then I project to the future: worsening, pain, decline of the joints.

If the identification with this thought is no longer there, then there is this moment, then there is pain now, then I can check whether there is a medical intervention/physiotherapy or something else to relieve the pain in the joints..., and that is it then, PERIOD, end of story, I don't know the future.

In addition, I know from previes experience that the degree of pain in the joints has ups and downs. There are times when I hardly experience any pain and there are periods when pain is present. So nothing is fixed for the future (which doesn't exist), I don't know what the future will bring.

Once I was present again, the story had fallen away from me..., and what about the physical pain? A lot lighter, because I didn't attribute value to the story anymore. And who knows which medical progress will take place in the coming years which can be significant for the joints...

Yes, but what about 'abandoned'?

Ask yourself what those words actually mean and what they refer to. The reality is that he makes a different choice and continues on his way. What you are sticking onto it is that you feel abandoned. Is that story correct? Well, he adored me, he placed me on a pedestal and overnight he left me. I can imagine that that is very painful ...

Yes, I felt loved and when he left, I felt completely thrown back upon myself. What do you mean? I ask.
That there is no one for me..., I feel lost and lonely, he has just abandoned me.

What part of you looks through the lens of 'abandoned'? Is that the mature woman you are... or a memory from a gray past that you stick onto the present?

Ohhh..., yes..., I didn't look at it that way..., she says, my mother died when I was a small child and I felt abandoned by her. Now I feel sadness...

Let it be..., I say. It's not easy when someone you loved (mother/partner/child) suddenly disappears from your life. It's not nothing if you finally thought that you received the attention and love that you longed for all your life and then suddenly he disappears from your life, for that moment, because you don't know if another connection can arise from the goodbye. But for NOW the connection, the exchange, ceases to exist. That hurts. And it is necessary that you allow the pain to melt down.

And realize that this child pain, where neediness in the now comes from (need for attention, being loved, being welcome), has been living in you since your childhood..., long before this partner appeared in your life. The pain you feel is the pain of the child who felt abandoned and lost when her mother died.

Go to the root and experience this deep pain..., then the pain melts and you no longer need to transfer it to a next relationship. Feel the pain, totally, without the story..., the story doesn't matter, don't analyze it.

You don't have to wonder why things went as they went with this partner. You don't have to wonder which signals you have missed, causing the other person to disappear overnight. You don't have to dig into your past to find out which events have made you feel like you feel right now. If you do, you become entangled in 'stories', 'memories', 'past' or 'the mind'.

The only thing that matters is the emotion 'being abandoned'.

For you the origin of the pain is already clear: the death of your mother, that is enough. That emotion, the feeling of being left, is still stored in the cell memory. Give yourself the space to fully experience this emotion, from the realization that you aren't that emotion, but the loving presence (awareness) in which this emotion, this pain, appears. It is unprocessed pain that we transfer to the next relationship, unless we are prepared to totally embrace this pain. Just allowing the emotion that comes from the thought: he has abandoned me. Child pain..., that's all. Allow it and it will disappear from the blueprint of the cells.

And another addition: you are not the only one who carries this 'child pain' (actually it is the pain of separation). As long as we (humanity) are not at home in our hearts, as long as we still live from a survival structure (fear & shortage & lovelessness) and raised from there, we are needy beings. That's how it is. What we know is conditional love (I only love you, if you...) and our essence has been overshadowed at a young age by a layer of fear and deficiency (the identification with the mind/I). No one is to blame, no one can be blamed, this is the current state of affairs of humanity. See, recognize the old pain and take responsibility for it.


www.thehealingcircle.one 
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

Projection: Which images do you stick onto reality?



Projection: Which images do you stick onto reality? 

As long as we don't perceive reality as it is, we stick on images. Images we have about ourselves (I am like that), the other person (he/she is like that) and the world (example: people can or cannot be trusted). In other words, we define ourselves (that is how I am), the other person (that is how he/she is) and we define the world.

These images give us a false sense of control, certainty and safety: we think we know who we are, who the other person is, what we believe and where we stand. That gives us a feeling of clarity and certainty, but it is not reality, it is not Life itself.

The images don't tell us anything about the here and now, about the reality of this moment, because here and now, this moment is always new, unknown, open and alive.

If you have defined yourself as 'loyal', then you have to act accordingly, because that is the image you have created about yourself. Not being or wanting to be loyal from time to time, because you disagree with the state of affairs, is actually no longer possible, because then the image of yourself is no longer correct.

The images refer to the mind, to a reality that is conceived, and a conceived reality is not Life itself.

We don't see the present for what it is, but we see the present through the lenses of the past and the future. We see the present through lenses of opinions, beliefs, and assumptions that we have acquired during childhood.

The lenses of the past are colored by positive and painful memories. And the painful memories stick to us most strongly, because the experiences that are connected with them have not been processed fully.

Collectively, we are focused on avoiding pain, as a result of which traces of these unprocessed experiences continue to color our perception, our lenses. Someone who has once been abandoned (which is a picture..., the reality is that the other continues her or his way and says goodbye), we keep repeating the record 'let down' by transferring this fear to future relationships.

Painful and pleasant memories thus lead to certain convictions and assumptions that influence the way we live and look at reality. Is this person trustworthy, will he/she not let me down? And because we look through these lenses, we quickly interpret the behavior of the other person as 'unreliable' while in most cases this distrust is misplaced. We look at the other person through a pair of glasses, a colored reality. And this coloring (people can't be trusted) determines what we meet in the world.

The same memories also color our thoughts about the future. The lenses of the future consist of all our fears, worries, hopes, expectations and desires about a time (future) that doesn't exist, the shape of which is therefore unknown to us.

Everything we think about the future is a conceived reality. Reality itself (for example an appointment that you have with someone) always differs from what you had in mind beforehand. That is inevitable, because Life can't be pushed into a mould, into a conjecture, Life flows and is always new.

So all that really exists is this moment, NOW. As soon as time falls away (past and future), as soon as time is seen as illusion (the past is over and the future doesn't exist), only the NOW remains. As long as we live in time, we live from the mind, our head, our thoughts, which are not Life itself, which is happening now.

We therefore live based on memories (the past), which we then project onto the future. Memories are no more than 'ideas' that come to life, because we continue to feed and believe the ideas (everything that you give attention... grows).

So many people, so many worlds, so many misunderstandings (and wars), because everyone looks from a distorted perception (the images based on memories).

This principle is also called 'projection': we stick something onto reality that is not there and we are convinced that our perception is correct.

Example: Compassionate Caroline

I am in a workshop. We start with an introductory exercise to practice the names. After two rounds, the following assignment is introduced: think of a quality/talent that suits you that starts with the first letter of your name. We stand in silence, in a circle. We are given a few minutes to check for ourselves which quality suits us and/or what quality we want to deepen/develop further. Well, the daily name for this person is Caroline, so the first letter of this name is a C.

And this is what the exercise brings about in me: okay, so we want to link an image to our name. I am not in favor of labeling, sticking labels from which we define ourselves and the other or reinforce the identity (this is me, this is you). Why? Because openness is gone by doing that... We no longer meet the other person and ourselves from emptiness (in which all colors are possible) but from a label. So balanced Bianca is defined as 'balanced'. Is that right? Is Bianca always balanced? And does Bianca want to walk around with a label? And what if she is not balanced? To what extent is there room in her/for her to be unbalanced if she defines herself as 'balanced' and her environment approaches her from that label: you are always so calm, so balanced... And what does that mean 'balanced'? What coloring does she give it? And what coloring do other people give it? From where does this tendency (exercise) arise to define or frame yourself and the other?

Okay, I'll join. Which quality starts with a C?

And it stays still in me. Nothing comes up. Blank and again blank. A quality with a C? I don't know any qualities with a C. I can't think of anything with a letter C. And the mind (the thinking, the ego) judges that: no strong entry if you are unable to name a quality later on.

Okay, this is it (the inner voice whispers): you don't know.

This is what is, this is what actually takes place: nothing comes up with a letter C. What is wrong with that? Well, there is nothing wrong with that.

If I don't attach any images to it, then this is what it is: I don't know a quality with the letter C. 

There is only something wrong when I (the mind/thought) imagine that something is wrong and believe in it: no strong entry.

The moment the images are seen for what they are - images that don't reflect reality or life itself - then they automatically extinguish.

Reality is: I don't know a quality with the letter C. That's all. No further story around it, no interpretation from thinking. This is what's there: I don't know a quality with the letter C.

And there I am: in silence in a circle. And now it feels quiet in me, because I have decided: soon I'll share what actually happened in the past minutes: I can think of no quality with the letter C, I don't know, and as far as I am concerned it feels more fitting to work with you as Caroline (without label/quality).

And there I am: in silence in a circle. And suddenly, after tens of seconds in silence, in the openness of Life itself, a quality with the letter C swirls from the emptiness in the consciousness: compassion.

What a great quality... Compassion. Fully in line with the process that just unfolded within me: compassion, that it is as it is.

Compassion unfolds when we no longer identify ourselves with the mind (thinking) and come home to Life itself. The images are recognized and no longer believed.

It is with the images that we stick to ourselves and to the others that we judge, approve, reject, restrict, distrust, define etc. ourselves and others. That is the effect of identification with the mind.

When there is Life, then there is openness, then there is emptiness, then the images are exposed and are no longer believed. What is, is..., without a story, without an interpretation..., what a relief.

And there I am: in silence in a circle. The supervisor of the training asks me at some point what the quality is for my name. I share what happened within me and that eventually compassion came up as quality. And soon the label is created: compassionate Caroline. Okay, I'm participating. This is what I can bring, compassion..., that everything is as it is... 

"Whatever the question, love is the answer." 
(Dr. Wayne Dyer) 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes