Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Everything in my life is a 'must'... and I am so tired already.



Self-inquiry: The wires.
What do I mean by 'wires'? Sometimes we are placed before a situation and we experience different thoughts/emotions (the mind/the ego) from which we find it difficult to make a choice or to be completely open to ourselves and to others. In the latter case (open to ourselves and to others) there is a tendency to share some wires (thoughts/emotions) and omit other threads. Why is that? Do you have any idea?

Before you read on, examine this question: what keeps me away from revealing all wires (emotions/thoughts) about myself and in relation to the other person? See if you can answer the question. What is it why I don't want to reveal myself totally?

This is the answer I have discovered: we have a judgement about the wires. We label some wires as good and condemn other wires: I don't want to acknowledge these emotions/thoughts about myself, I'm not like that (jealous etc.) and certainly I'm not going to reveal all what I think or feel to someone close to me, I am afraid they will reject me, because I reject this emotions and thought in myself.

We prefer to suppress all nasty, annoying thoughts and emotions (or eat away, or drink away etc.), because we have labeled them. It is the mind/ego that judges and condemns.

Our essence, our true nature is free, knows no judgments, can't be hurt and doesn't hurt either..., because it IS..., like the sun that IS: always and always shining. It doesn't have an opinion or feeling like the mind: today I don't feel like shining, I am in a bad mood, I feel rejected, so I don't shine today. No, the sun, our essence shines always. Our nature is non-judgmental and compassionate. Out of the heart it looks at what appears on the scene. It has no opinions about the wires, no label in the sense of good or bad emotions/thoughts, it looks at the wires for what they are, nothing more, nothing less.

The suffering we experience in our lives has to do with the fact that we believe what the mind is telling us. We believe all those wires and therefore we don't want to acknowledge the 'bad' wires: we feel blamed, but we don't share it; we feel jealous or not good enough, but suppress those emotions etc. Who wants to feel jealous? Nobody, right?

There is nothing wrong with all those judgments and convictions were it not that we value it so much. We believe  what the mind mirrows us and that is the cause of our suffering: the identification with the mind. We are not at home in the sun, in our heart, but a prisoner of our mind, a prisoner of our emotions and thoughts, which we accept as true. And if we accept them as true, then we don't want to look to all those nasty emotions. It is just too painful.

If we want to escape from the prison of mind (suffering), then self-inquiry is an important tool, an instrument that is regularly used during the sessions of awareness coaching. And self-examination is only possible if we allow ourselves to bring everything to light: to observe without judgment (sun) what happens in us. And if there are judgments... (and there are plenty of them), then that is what we observe. It's about loosening faith in all those judgments, getting out of the mind, you're not the mind, but the light (sun) where the thoughts and emotions appear in.

At some point I discovered in my process and in my work with clients how important it is to reveil and investigate all the threads: the so-called 'beautiful', 'pleasant','horrible','ugly' thoughts and emotions.
Even though the critical voice labels the wires as good or bad, realize that the wires are only wires, they are not true or false or contradictory: they are. In other words, shift the attention of the mind to Awareness (our essence), to the space that you are in which the wires (emotions and thoughts) appear.

Okay..., after the theory, now an example: a while ago a client came in where the research of the wires stood central. The client, I call her for the readability Yvon, had agreed with girlfriend Tineke to participate in a certain contest, because 'we do this every year' (= pattern). She noticed that during the making of the appointment a movement in her body was going on, indicating that she didn't really felt like it, so tired, but yes, the actual date was a bit further away, and who knows…, maybe by then she would like to go, because it is nice to be outside, the race would take place in the nature what she loves, and they went together every year, so she had said 'yes' to her friend. 

It struck me that Tineke (her friend) had not asked her, but that she automatically assumed that they would go together again this year (conditioned pattern), and yes, according to Yvon...Tineke had it not so easy..., so to say 'no' to her..., that was a bit too far..., because I am still that support for her to train... When I am going, then she goes and that motivates her to train..., and yes, appointment is appointment, I have said 'yes' to Tineke, so I have to fulfill my appointment with her (= conviction/rule), I just push myself to do what we have agreed. This is a learned pattern of the family: come on, don't complain, do it for her, give her the support she needs, it's not a big problem, don't worry about it... and you know that the match gives you energy and it is in nature, so just turn the knob. 

Recognizable to the reader? This kind of stories (wires) that go through us? 

I asked the client the following questions: Can you come back to an appointment? What would it be like if you were to wait for the moment itself (for example, one day before the race) to check how the flag stands for you internally? How is it for you to communicate all the wires with Tineke in all openness? And why is it not oké for you when Tineke may react disappointed? It is a normal reaction, right?

During our exchange it became clear to Yvon that she had to call Tineke to indicate that she didn't want to participate in this contest at the moment, that she would rather cancel the appointment, because she was so tired…, maybe her mood and energylevel changed during the coming period and possibly she would still participate in the competition, but at the moment she didn't know if that would be the case. 
Yvon also indicated that she was worried that Tineke would be disappointed and that she felt she couldn't say 'no', because Yvon was a support for her to train, but she also had to be honest with herself: I am so tired and I find it difficult to take care for myself.

Initially, Yvon was afraid to enter into this conversation with Tineke. Very understandable, because it also requires a lot: breaking several patterns and learned behavior: we do this match every year, the other needs my support, I can't abandon her like that, I am not used to be open and vulnerable to others. 

And it also meant that she had to break with several convictions: an appointment is an appointment, be nice and supportive to others, don't make a problem out of nothing. Yvon didn't want to disappoint Tineke, because Tineke counts on her (that is what Yvon thinks = conviction) and Tineke 'needs' her support (conviction). This is the way Yvon looks at her friend..., that is not the reality..., but her coloring of the reality caused by all the programs of the mind/ego based on childhoodexperiences, society etc. It is a picture Yvon puts on Tineke: she needs me. The picture vanished on the moment that Yvon discovers that she herself has missed that support in her childhood and that she transfers that pain (no one to support me) on her friend. She doesn't want her friend to come across the same pain: that she had to figure it out all alone.

So an unconscious belief determines her behavior (taking care for her friend) without knowing it (blind spot): she can't share all the wires in all openness with Tineke, she is afraid that Tineke will feel abandoned (what is the unknown pain of Yvon herself). 

The next consultation I asked about the exchange with Tineke. Yvon indicate that Tineke had responded positively, not according to the wires of Yvon (that she needed her support, that she would be disappointed). Then I asked how the flag actually stood for a few days prior to the match and which decision she had finally taken? 

She indicated that the following wires had gone through her: Shall I cancel..., I really don't feel like it..., I get already tired at the thought, but yes, it's nice outside, in nature, I get energy from it and Tineke appreciates it so much, and once I'm in the contest, it will work out well for me etc.

What do you think she has decided?

She decided to go running. 
I asked Yvon if she sometimes responded to another important wire she had mentioned several times: that she didn't feel like it, that she is often so tired. Yvon said: No, I always go on. 
Then I asked the following question: And what would it be like to listen to that first voice, which indicates that you really don't feel like it, that you are tired? Yvon said: If I give in to that, then I am actually afraid that I will sink deep, that I will lose control of myself, that I will come to nothing, that I will become depressed…
My answer: Interesting..., and is that true? How do you know that? Have you ever tried it out? No, Yvon said.

How would it be for you to take this experiment? To listen to the voice that says: I really don't feel like it, I'm tired.
And could it also give you something if you would respond to that voice? Yvon: Yes, rest..., relaxation..., which I really long for..., everything in my life is 'work', is 'must' and I always anticipate what has to be done, I can't just sit still on the couch.

Yvon started the experiment. We have walked together for a while. After an x-number of sessions she indicates what a relief it is that the eternal must and care for others (instead of care for herself) is out of her system. She now recognizes the inner voice (instead of the voice of parents/society), she doesn't always act on it, but experiences it as a gift that she sees from where she moves, that there is consciousness, because without consciousness (awareness) you are simply lived by your patterns and beliefs. 
She is happy that she has learned to speak out and show vulnerability to others and experiences it as a blessing that so many learned patterns and beliefs evaporate. 
She thanks me for the transformation that has taken place. She says: 'If I hadn't come to you, I was now in the sick-law with a burn-out..., I have learned, felt and discovered so much through our exchanges and the 'homework assignments' that I received, I am extremely grateful to you.'

And I am grateful to Yvon for having given me the trust and that we were allowed to make this trip together. There is nothing more fulfilling than 'going open'... and coming home to your-Self.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

 

Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Emotions are not good or bad: they are. I'm jealous.



        I am jealous.                  

Emotions are not good or bad: they are. 
They are there because they have a message for you. 
The fact that emotions and thoughts are there, indicates that they have a right to exist. They are. They come from the Void, from the Source, from Beingness. 

If we are identified with - in our eyes - unpleasant emotions and thoughts, then there is suffering. If we view our emotions and thoughts - from pure awareness - then there is space around these emotions and thoughts. Then there is the possibility to judgment-free observation of everything that takes place in us. 

No emotion or thought is good or bad: they are. At the moment that we can perceive emotions and thoughts, there are other options for these 'annoying' emotions and thoughts, namely: self-examination. 

Example: 
I am jealous, says Suzanne. It really doesn't make sense, but it is true. What is the situation? Suzanne went with her boyfriend to a massage parlor. They both had a massage appointment that took place simultaneously in a separate room reserved for them (without other massage customers). 
Okay, I say, and what happened then? Well, there was an old masseuse and a young masseuse. The young masseuse first washed my feet and then washed the feet of my friend. Yes, and then? 
I (Suzanne) thought: the young masseuse will give me a massage, because she washed my feet first... and the old masseuse will give a massage to my friend, but that's not how it went... 
The young masseuse went to my friend and the older masseuse came to me to give me a massage. Okay, I say, and then? 
Well, I couldn't stand it that the young masseuse was going to massage my friend, while I really, deep down, wanted the old masseuse, because they aren't so soft as young masseuses and I like a solid massage. 
And then, what happened in you? I say. 
I couldn't enjoy the massage at all. I thought: that young masseuse has deliberately swapped with that old masseuse so she could massage my friend. The whole time I was keeping an eye on her while she was busy with my boyfriend and I felt very jealous. And then another thought came up: I can't be jealous, that is stupid. 

Good that you see all that, I say. And if you do some more research now, do you realize that you are driven by interpretations? The interpretation is that the young masseuse was actually meant for you, because she was washing your feet first. 
Why should she be meant for you? Because she first washed your feet? 

And is the thought 'true' that she would rather massage your friend? Could it be that the old masseuse is spared a bit and that the appointment is that the young masseuse washes all the feet? 

Or that the old masseuse gave instructions to the young masseuse that she had to give your friend a massage... Or another explanation..., many possibilities why situations run as they go... 

And you color it as you see it, not as it really is, but as you see it. It is your interpretation, your coloring of the situation, it says everything about you than about the situation itself. 
Yes, says Suzanne, that is true, it are all assumptions on my part..., of course I don't know what actually takes place in the head of the masseurs. 
No, I say, exactly, you don't know. You are coloring the situation with all kind of images..., we all do, you are really no exception. Until we start waking up from our assumptions... and see that we look at the outside world through a colored pair of glasses…

Okay now a step further: if every emotion has something to tell, what does the jealousy of this moment tell you? 
What is hidden behind the jealousy? 
That he gets so much attention from her..., she says, that they are so intimate with each other. 
And what does that tell you? 
I'm actually jealous of the attention he gets. 
And if everything is projection, what does this tell you? 
That I long for his attention, for attention for each other.
Is that completly correct? Is this what is hidden behind the jealousy? I ask.
Yes, says Suzanne, last week/weeks we had a very busy time with a lot of visitors, we had little time for each other and I felt that I wanted to spend some time alone with him, but there was no space for that, at least that's what I thought. 
A friend (woman) of my boyfriend stayed with us for one week before she would go abroid again and my boyfriend mainly paid attention to her, he didn't see me at, all attention went to her.
Okay: and how would it be for you to ask for that attention? 
Hard, says Suzanne. Because? 
Well, I don't find it easy to recognize that I need attention from him. Okay, so there seems to be a ban on needing attention? I say. 
Yes, says Suzanne..., I hadn't seen it that way yet... 
Well, then you know what you have to do, I say. 
Express your need: Dear darling, I would love to spend some time together with you, I have missed you over the past few weeks and I feel like a small child who needs attention... and I was very jealous of that friend of yours who asked so much attention from you... and then you also got that young masseuse who was so intimate with you..., I couldn't stand it any longer, I want you all for myself, when is that possible? 
Oohh, she says, exciting to share so openly what is happening in me and to put my need for attention in the light and express it, but I will do it.
I'm curious, I say. The need for attention melts automatically when the taboo is seen through. Recognize that this need for attention lives in you..., utter yourself, live the need of attention..., until it is no longer an issue..., because you don't make it an issue anymore, because attention versus no attention as imprint (pain point) in your system goes out. Then there is no more charge on the theme of 'attention'. But if you resist this need, the charge will only increase and jealousy will stick to you for a long time. And I know everything about that… 

And if you don't get the attention you ask for, because your friend makes another choice at that moment..., and it hurts…, feel the pain. It's the pain of the young child that didn't get the attention she needed. Feel the pain, knowing that it is 'old pain' without blaming your friend for not having attention for you at that moment.Take responsibility for your own 'old pain'.
And make a new appointment with your friend for quality time.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships.



Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships: what do I mean by that? Below I describe an opportunity for each form of relationship to investigate hurts by sharing openly and sincerely. In the presence of the other you share what lives in you while the other listens; then the roles are reversed: you listen and the other person shares.

As long as we are identified with the mind, as long as we still consider our thoughts and emotions as 'true' (I am right, you are wrong), this exercise will be perceived as tough by both 'parties'.

Showing yourself fully during sharing requires openness and vulnerability, which isn't an easy task for many people, because the heart is not yet (fully) open.

And listening to the other person is also not easy. Before we know it, the mind functions, causing all kinds of thoughts (it is not true what you are saying) which undermines the connection with the heart.

Clear agreements are essential to give the emergence of mutual understanding a chance. Understanding of the motives and pain patterns of each other that led to the conflict.

So you agree with each other who will be the first to start with sharing and how much time everyone gets for the sharing and inquiry in presence of the other person.

You could start with 15 minutes per person, but it could well be half an hour, so that the person who is telling can quietly examine and share all the aspects (see previous blog).

The other person listens, is present and tries to hear and feel in what is being shared (which is not always easy when the person is talking about you). What is her or his experience of the situation?

Sometimes there are silences..., let it happen, don't assume that the one who shares is ready. You don't turn the roll until the time, that you have agreed upon, is over. In the silence, other aspects can still pop up or are further being explored.

The listener has the task of being a field of attention. The listener is not supposed to ask any questions to 'help' the other person if he or she falls silent. Keep listening, in silence, until the time is over. Then turn the roll without any evaluation or exchange about what has been said.

It is quite a challenge to remain 'empty' as a listener.
All kinds of opinions, judgments, emotions (mind) come by while you are listening to the experience of the other person. It occurs that you feel the urge to interrupt the other person to tell him/her the truth..., your truth: no, it isn't true what you are saying, it didn't go that way...

The question is whether that is the case. Do you see it correctly? What makes you assume that your interpretation of the conflict is correct and the interpretation of the other is not?

Why should one coloring of reality be correct and the other coloring not? They are both colorations or interpretations, both for those who share and for those who listen.

Do you realize that there is no right or wrong or truth at the moment that there are interpretations?

If you really realize that, then you realize that you are both a prisoner of a 'story', a story that the mind predicts you, a story that seems 'true' to you and 'true' to the other one, but it isn't, it's a story. Yes, that story can be painful…, that's true, especially if you believe in it.

Before we realize it, we are convinced that we are right and we blame the other person. We aren't aware that these accusations aren't about the other person but about aspects of ourselves.

We accuse the other person of selfish behavior (you don't take me into account at all) without realizing that we don't take ourselves into account, because we have learned from childhood that the other person gets priority. So you don't express your need or you even don't know what your need is or what you want... and you automatically adapt to the other person. 

Sharing can lead to an investigation into what these accusations we have about the other has to say about ourselves: I blame you for not taking me into account, but I discover that I haven't expressed enough what I like or consider as important..., I went along with your need and put my need aside, so I am actually angry with myself... that I let this happen again... that I didn't take responsibility for my need by speaking up. And then I say that you don't take me into account ..., and then I am angry with you, but that is not true, I find out that it is I who don't take myself into account, actually I should be a bit more 'selfish'. And I realize that it is also possible that we both have a different need at a certain moment..., that doesn't mean that I have to adapt to you in advance (what I automatically do as a result of the upbringing) or that you need to adapt to me..., we can then decide how we deal with the situation.

Well, it is not easy to free ourselves from the story that we have been completely identified with (you behave selfishly), but it is very essential to grow in consciousness.

So: realize what is going on..., you don't see reality as it is, neither the other one. A conflict means in advance: distortion of reality, you look through a colored pair of glasses at the other one and the other looks at you through colored glasses..., and you both believe what the mind previews.

If you take the above as a starting point, then sharing and inquiry in the presence of the other person can be enormously fruitful. 
If both 'parties' understand at an essential level that they don't hold the truth (which doesn't exist at the level of the mind: each person has his/her interpretations), if both 'parties' realize that they are responsible for the glasses that they have (colored glasses), if both 'parties' are willing to investigate the judgments and reproaches we have about the other, then sharing and examination in front of the other person is a great gift, a blessing.

Sharing in the presence of those with whom we are in conflict is therefore a tough exercise, but also yields a lot of self-insight and intimacy. There is nothing going underground that can blur the relationship. Everyone gets the space and the time to investigate what is going on. There is understanding for everyone's world of experience, the connection is cleaned up and the noise disappears: o, now I understand you, you come from that perspective, o..., that was happening in you..., that conviction was triggered from which you reacted so angry. There is again a clean slate.

Sharing leads to a deepening of contact, friendship or cooperation, but this is only possible if we are really willing to put our ego aside (I am right, you are wrong). We have to be willing to open ourselves completely so that we can feel and hear ourselves and the other person.
Try to listen from 'the void' (without the mind), from the heart.

If that 'emptiness' is not yet present in us, then it is important to see your judgments/opinions while you are listening to the other person: see the judgments, but don't act on it by disturbing the other person or by blaming the other when it's your turn (then you're a prisoner of the mind again, a prisoner of your story).

By the way: it doesn't mean that the story is 'true' or that you have to 'agree' or 'disagree' with the other... It isn't about 'true' or 'not true', everyone has her or his own interpretation, that's all.

And to be very precise: the goal of sharing is not to throw a bucket of mud over the other or spit your gall. No, then you haven't understood what is the basis of sharing and inquiry: examine and share the deeper motives and pain patterns from which you reacted as you reacted. And last but not least: to meet the other person and yourself on a deeper level from which mutual understanding unfolds.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Ways to feel and dissolve (existential) pain.



Projection: I have no one, I feel lonely ...

How can I get to the root of a particular pain? And are there other ways to break through identification with the mind, identification with the 'I' (the source of all suffering)? 
Yes, there are other direct roads to liberation that I will share in another blog, but first some depth on feeling pain.

Feeling pain is really only necessary when the pain is actual. In other words: the pain feels so real that you can't ignore it. Often we are fully identified with the pain, fully identified with the story that the mind has figured out for this pain. For example, you feel deeply and deeply lonely, no one who really loves you, you think..., all alone. And you can't detach yourself from the story that the mind has thought about as the cause: I feel lonely, I am all alone and that is because I have no partner. You fully believe the picture that the mind offers you. You don't realize that you are not alone and have never been alone. How can you be alone at all if you are part of life itself? How can you be alone if you are part of existence itself? In addition, there are always people around you: people you meet in the supermarket, colleagues, friends, family etc.

You are not alone, you feel alone, you feel lonely, as every person feels deep down alone through the pain of separation, the identification with an 'I'.

We believe the story that the mind comes up with (I am alone, because I have no partner) and don't realize that the pain originates in the separation, which takes place at a young age, when we are confirmed time and again by our environment that we are a self-contained person, an 'I', who is separate from others, an 'I' who is separate from life itself, separate from other life forms: there is a separation, which is not real, but feels that way (=the ego).

As long as we don't see through the 'I' and the mind, the mind will create a story about the pain we are experiencing on that moment: I feel lonely and that is because I have no partner.

Looking from the perspective of our actuality, we can conclude that, for example, we live alone, without a relationship, that is all. The pain of loneliness is triggered by the stories that the mind creates: you think you need others to experience light and love in your existence. You seek light and love outside yourself, in others, instead of discovering Light and Love within yourself. Okay, so is it then..., for the moment. You are fully identified with "loneliness" and the story surrounding it.

How do you embrace that pain? asked a blog reader.
The moment the pain is clearly present and you are on your own: go inside. For example, use music: songs that release the pain 'loneliness' for you, so that the grief which is hidden behind the thought 'I feel lonely and that is because I have no partner' can start flowing.

Realize it's a picture (even if it doesn't feel like it now), a story based on identification with the mind. The real origin of this pain is not that you are alone, but that you deep down feel separate from others, from existence, and above all from yourself ... through identification with an 'I' and identification with the mind.

Be totally present with this primal pain called 'loneliness'. Go all the way in and be present, be aware while the pain is melting down. Feel where the pain of 'loneliness' resides in your body: your belly, heart, throat ...? And be present.

Yes..., but what do you mean by 'be present'?
By that I mean that there is "something" that perceives this pain, otherwise you would not be aware at all that the pain of loneliness has been triggered in you.

How do you know that a certain pain is active in you?
You know that, because there is "something" (Consciousness) that perceives this pain. I call that 'something' 'presence'.

It is also called Buddha nature or Pure Awareness or Beingness.

Our essence is Consciousness (Pure Awareness) and within that Consciousness the primal pain 'loneliness' appears. From that 'something', from Pure Awareness, look at this pain and allow the pain to the bone, so that it can melt. No stories, no analyzes ...

Yes, it is possible that some images from the past are triggered spontaneously, memories that are linked to 'loneliness'..., see them pass by without being absorbed, they are memories, past times, just ideas that have no reality value in the NOW, the experiences are (long since) over, they no longer exist in the present, and bottom line it is not about loneliness linked to certain experiences in this life (those are only superficial layers of pain related to the personality), but it is about loneliness, which comes from our state of being as humanity: it is the pain of separation. So feel this primal pain, the pain of separation, that's what it is all about: feel completely how 'loneliness' feels..., so that this primal pain can melt.

If you are not Present with this pain, you lose yourself in the pain, then you become the pain yourself, you become totally identified with the feeling of loneliness and you can no longer see (no Awareness) that the mind creates a story about loneliness, you think your story is really true, that you are really lonely, because there is no partner in your life on this moment; the result is that you feel deeply miserable. Then you are in the grip of the mind (ego), then you don't see that we are all afflicted with the pain of separation (it is not something personal). The solution is not finding a partner, the solution is not in the outside world. The solution lies in understanding the cause of this pain: identification with an 'I' and identification with the mind. Hence the importance of Awareness.

Throughout our life we ​​have been focused on avoiding pain. Go the other way: meet the pain, from Awareness, and discover its effect. You see reality as it is again, without the story of the pain of loneliness, and you have given space and attention to melting this primal pain.

In addition to music, you can also use other inputs to express the pain of loneliness, for example painting or other creative expressions. Do not force, turn inside when the pain is topical (severe). See which entrance works for you.

Well, that is waking up: realizing that you are not the story (I am lonely, because ...), but you are That where the story appears in (Beingness, Pure Awareness). When you realize That, you become detached from identification with emotions/thoughts; then we are able to meet the pain (without resistance) from awareness. 

And you can't force the shift from mind to Beingness or Pure Awareness…, that is Grace…
You can work with the pain that arises when the pain is triggered (feeling loneliness). You can  see through the mechanism of projection (which pictures do I stick to reality?) and above all investigate deeper and deeper the identification with an 'I'..., but the shift from the emotional/mental layer to That (Pure Awareness) is something you can't control…, you can't do it..., it awakes in you at some point in time as Awareness. And then it really becomes possible to allow old pain to the bottom.

And are there other ways to break through identification with the mind/ego, with emotions and thoughts (the pictures)? Yes, above all meditation. And a 'method' described in the blog: transforming beliefs, the direct way.

If you need support, feel free to contact me.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

 

Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Projection: Don't leave me...



Projection: Which images do you stick onto reality? Don't leave me...  

'Yes, nice, that blog of yours about attaching images, but it is really true that he left overnight. Although you say that I am not the emotions and thoughts, I feel a lot of pain, disbelief, anger and sadness. So, what's up with that?'

Well, not easy and very recognizable, because sometimes I am also surprised by an image that I identify with (that I believe and value as truth) from which a story arises with the result of 'suffering'.

A few years ago there was such a situation.

The joints..., that is a weakness in 'my' body. I had just started in the gym: to work on my condition. I started calmly, but soon I experienced an injury in the knee joint. The knee became thick and the doctor indicated that a piece of bone might have been loosened (a joint mouse) which caused the pain. In addition, before the knee injury, I had given our bathroom a cleaning. Let me try again, I thought, even though I knew (memory) that the shoulder joint doesn't really appreciate it, but you never know. After giving the shoulder joint rest for some months, it seemed worthwhile to try and see what cleaning the bathroom meant for the body (the shoulder and the knees). Pain and limitation were the result.

These two situations led to identification with the pain, identification with the body, and the following story arose after a visit to the doctor: 'Gee, the left ankle worn out and the right kneecap..., now also the left knee and again my right shoulder..., if this goes on, what will happen with this body in the future?
What if I ever stand alone?' And then the GP casually says: 'It will not get better in the future, only worse... and there is little we can do, you will have to live with it.'

Sadness overwhelmed me when I got home..., and I noticed that I identified myself with the GP's thoughts, I believed them, I got caught in them, the joint pain was fixated by the mind. The story of the GP and the pain itself were taken by the mind as: forever, the rest of my life, always that pain and it only gets worse... I saw myself being taken away by the thought (the story of the GP), the emotion (grief), the pain (which was reinforced in the consciousness by the story I believed).

Well, everything you give attention... grows. And for a few days, now and again, I was crying.  Until the moment I woke up again from the dream, from the story that had started through the events with the knee/shoulder and the communication with the GP. I became present again, in the NOW. And I realized that I didn't know what the future would bring. Yes, the doctor's story could be true (that it will only get worse), but what the future really has in store for this body is unknown. If I fully go along with what the doctor mirrors, if I identify with the image (an idea, not reality itself) of a possible future (which doesn't exist, only the NOW), then I project to the future: worsening, pain, decline of the joints.

If the identification with this thought is no longer there, then there is this moment, then there is pain now, then I can check whether there is a medical intervention/physiotherapy or something else to relieve the pain in the joints..., and that is it then, PERIOD, end of story, I don't know the future.

In addition, I know from previes experience that the degree of pain in the joints has ups and downs. There are times when I hardly experience any pain and there are periods when pain is present. So nothing is fixed for the future (which doesn't exist), I don't know what the future will bring.

Once I was present again, the story had fallen away from me..., and what about the physical pain? A lot lighter, because I didn't attribute value to the story anymore. And who knows which medical progress will take place in the coming years which can be significant for the joints...

Yes, but what about 'abandoned'?

Ask yourself what those words actually mean and what they refer to. The reality is that he makes a different choice and continues on his way. What you are sticking onto it is that you feel abandoned. Is that story correct? Well, he adored me, he placed me on a pedestal and overnight he left me. I can imagine that that is very painful ...

Yes, I felt loved and when he left, I felt completely thrown back upon myself. What do you mean? I ask.
That there is no one for me..., I feel lost and lonely, he has just abandoned me.

What part of you looks through the lens of 'abandoned'? Is that the mature woman you are... or a memory from a gray past that you stick onto the present?

Ohhh..., yes..., I didn't look at it that way..., she says, my mother died when I was a small child and I felt abandoned by her. Now I feel sadness...

Let it be..., I say. It's not easy when someone you loved (mother/partner/child) suddenly disappears from your life. It's not nothing if you finally thought that you received the attention and love that you longed for all your life and then suddenly he disappears from your life, for that moment, because you don't know if another connection can arise from the goodbye. But for NOW the connection, the exchange, ceases to exist. That hurts. And it is necessary that you allow the pain to melt down.

And realize that this child pain, where neediness in the now comes from (need for attention, being loved, being welcome), has been living in you since your childhood..., long before this partner appeared in your life. The pain you feel is the pain of the child who felt abandoned and lost when her mother died.

Go to the root and experience this deep pain..., then the pain melts and you no longer need to transfer it to a next relationship. Feel the pain, totally, without the story..., the story doesn't matter, don't analyze it.

You don't have to wonder why things went as they went with this partner. You don't have to wonder which signals you have missed, causing the other person to disappear overnight. You don't have to dig into your past to find out which events have made you feel like you feel right now. If you do, you become entangled in 'stories', 'memories', 'past' or 'the mind'.

The only thing that matters is the emotion 'being abandoned'.

For you the origin of the pain is already clear: the death of your mother, that is enough. That emotion, the feeling of being left, is still stored in the cell memory. Give yourself the space to fully experience this emotion, from the realization that you aren't that emotion, but the loving presence (awareness) in which this emotion, this pain, appears. It is unprocessed pain that we transfer to the next relationship, unless we are prepared to totally embrace this pain. Just allowing the emotion that comes from the thought: he has abandoned me. Child pain..., that's all. Allow it and it will disappear from the blueprint of the cells.

And another addition: you are not the only one who carries this 'child pain' (actually it is the pain of separation). As long as we (humanity) are not at home in our hearts, as long as we still live from a survival structure (fear & shortage & lovelessness) and raised from there, we are needy beings. That's how it is. What we know is conditional love (I only love you, if you...) and our essence has been overshadowed at a young age by a layer of fear and deficiency (the identification with the mind/I). No one is to blame, no one can be blamed, this is the current state of affairs of humanity. See, recognize the old pain and take responsibility for it.


www.thehealingcircle.one 
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes