Sharing and investigating hurt in relationships: what do I mean by that? Below I describe an opportunity for each form of relationship to investigate hurts by sharing openly and sincerely. In the presence of the other you share what lives in you while the other listens; then the roles are reversed: you listen and the other person shares.

As long as we are identified with the mind, as long as we still consider our thoughts and emotions as 'true' (I am right, you are wrong), this exercise will be perceived as tough by both 'parties'.

Showing yourself fully during sharing requires openness and vulnerability, which isn't an easy task for many people, because the heart is not yet (fully) open.

And listening to the other person is also not easy. Before we know it, the mind functions, causing all kinds of thoughts (it is not true what you are saying) which undermines the connection with the heart.

Clear agreements are essential to give the emergence of mutual understanding a chance. Understanding of the motives and pain patterns of each other that led to the conflict.

So you agree with each other who will be the first to start with sharing and how much time everyone gets for the sharing and inquiry in presence of the other person.

You could start with 15 minutes per person, but it could well be half an hour, so that the person who is telling can quietly examine and share all the aspects (see previous blog).

The other person listens, is present and tries to hear and feel in what is being shared (which is not always easy when the person is talking about you). What is her or his experience of the situation?

Sometimes there are silences..., let it happen, don't assume that the one who shares is ready. You don't turn the roll until the time, that you have agreed upon, is over. In the silence, other aspects can still pop up or are further being explored.

The listener has the task of being a field of attention. The listener is not supposed to ask any questions to 'help' the other person if he or she falls silent. Keep listening, in silence, until the time is over. Then turn the roll without any evaluation or exchange about what has been said.

It is quite a challenge to remain 'empty' as a listener.
All kinds of opinions, judgments, emotions (mind) come by while you are listening to the experience of the other person. It occurs that you feel the urge to interrupt the other person to tell him/her the truth..., your truth: no, it isn't true what you are saying, it didn't go that way...

The question is whether that is the case. Do you see it correctly? What makes you assume that your interpretation of the conflict is correct and the interpretation of the other is not?

Why should one coloring of reality be correct and the other coloring not? They are both colorations or interpretations, both for those who share and for those who listen.

Do you realize that there is no right or wrong or truth at the moment that there are interpretations?

If you really realize that, then you realize that you are both a prisoner of a 'story', a story that the mind predicts you, a story that seems 'true' to you and 'true' to the other one, but it isn't, it's a story. Yes, that story can be painful…, that's true, especially if you believe in it.

Before we realize it, we are convinced that we are right and we blame the other person. We aren't aware that these accusations aren't about the other person but about aspects of ourselves.

We accuse the other person of selfish behavior (you don't take me into account at all) without realizing that we don't take ourselves into account, because we have learned from childhood that the other person gets priority. So you don't express your need or you even don't know what your need is or what you want... and you automatically adapt to the other person. 

Sharing can lead to an investigation into what these accusations we have about the other has to say about ourselves: I blame you for not taking me into account, but I discover that I haven't expressed enough what I like or consider as important..., I went along with your need and put my need aside, so I am actually angry with myself... that I let this happen again... that I didn't take responsibility for my need by speaking up. And then I say that you don't take me into account ..., and then I am angry with you, but that is not true, I find out that it is I who don't take myself into account, actually I should be a bit more 'selfish'. And I realize that it is also possible that we both have a different need at a certain moment..., that doesn't mean that I have to adapt to you in advance (what I automatically do as a result of the upbringing) or that you need to adapt to me..., we can then decide how we deal with the situation.

Well, it is not easy to free ourselves from the story that we have been completely identified with (you behave selfishly), but it is very essential to grow in consciousness.

So: realize what is going on..., you don't see reality as it is, neither the other one. A conflict means in advance: distortion of reality, you look through a colored pair of glasses at the other one and the other looks at you through colored glasses..., and you both believe what the mind previews.

If you take the above as a starting point, then sharing and inquiry in the presence of the other person can be enormously fruitful. 
If both 'parties' understand at an essential level that they don't hold the truth (which doesn't exist at the level of the mind: each person has his/her interpretations), if both 'parties' realize that they are responsible for the glasses that they have (colored glasses), if both 'parties' are willing to investigate the judgments and reproaches we have about the other, then sharing and examination in front of the other person is a great gift, a blessing.

Sharing in the presence of those with whom we are in conflict is therefore a tough exercise, but also yields a lot of self-insight and intimacy. There is nothing going underground that can blur the relationship. Everyone gets the space and the time to investigate what is going on. There is understanding for everyone's world of experience, the connection is cleaned up and the noise disappears: o, now I understand you, you come from that perspective, o..., that was happening in you..., that conviction was triggered from which you reacted so angry. There is again a clean slate.

Sharing leads to a deepening of contact, friendship or cooperation, but this is only possible if we are really willing to put our ego aside (I am right, you are wrong). We have to be willing to open ourselves completely so that we can feel and hear ourselves and the other person.
Try to listen from 'the void' (without the mind), from the heart.

If that 'emptiness' is not yet present in us, then it is important to see your judgments/opinions while you are listening to the other person: see the judgments, but don't act on it by disturbing the other person or by blaming the other when it's your turn (then you're a prisoner of the mind again, a prisoner of your story).

By the way: it doesn't mean that the story is 'true' or that you have to 'agree' or 'disagree' with the other... It isn't about 'true' or 'not true', everyone has her or his own interpretation, that's all.

And to be very precise: the goal of sharing is not to throw a bucket of mud over the other or spit your gall. No, then you haven't understood what is the basis of sharing and inquiry: examine and share the deeper motives and pain patterns from which you reacted as you reacted. And last but not least: to meet the other person and yourself on a deeper level from which mutual understanding unfolds.


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