Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

I feel resistance, do I want to grow?



Isabel comes for a second session after she has canceled twice. She immediately starts to share what bothers her.
I don't know if I want this session. It wrenches in me, I feel resistance. Our previous session gave a lot of insight and at that moment I felt the value of it very strongly, but after a while it ebbed away and I fell back into my pattern.
In the last few months I have read several blogs of you and I went tree times through your notes of my previous consultation with you..., but I can't convert it into practice.
Okay, I say, awesome that you came, I feel your energy. I'm going to ask you something..., just look what's coming up... Is there a desire for growth in you, for liberation from patterns? Yes, Isabel says, I do long for 'something', but I don't know what... It is quiet for a moment and then Isabel says: "I would like to take a little more distance, want to choose more for myself and take less account of others."

Okay, so there is a desire in you for growth? Yes, says Isabel, but there is also something that keeps me from coming here. And that is? Fear..., that I don't have enough courage to really make that change. Because? I have to disappoint people, I am afraid that people get angry if I don't meet their expectations. How bad is that? May people be disappointed or angry? That is a human reaction, isn't it? You could also see it as a sign that they appreciate your presence otherwise it didn't mean anything to them.
Yes, that is true, but still...

I can't decide for you whether you want to grow or not. It is up to you to consider what is more important: devotion to yourself and liberation from suffocating patterns or maintaining the patterns, because it feels familiar, certain and safe, although it is oppresive. If you choose the latter, you will continue to invest a lot of time in others at the expense of yourself, you will continue to hoard what is bothering you, not expressing what is going on in you, adapting to others while they annoying you, keep everyone happy. Yes, says Isabel, that is the core..., keep everyone happy. And all that causes stress. Yes, says Isabel, it cost a lot of energy.

So, it is up to you to make the choice. I have no opinion about that. If you want to continue with your life as it is now..., it's okey. Only you can answer the question if you are ready to move, to start an inner growth that supports your well-being..., or not.

Let's look at a situation where the above is happening. Are you in for that? Yes, says Isabel, that's good. It concerns my mother. She is 86 years old and recently, at her request, she lives close to me. That was her wish. And I helped her with that. My mother is not an easy woman, she is someone who always thinks negatively, judges quickly and lives fairly selfishly. My father is no longer alive. The world of my mother has always been very small, she has no friends and almost no contacts. I actually supported my mother for a big part of her life, and still do.

I visit or call her everyday since she lives close to us. She indicates now that she is so alone, that she misses her neighbors, while she always told me that she had no contact with anyone in her previous home. So I don't understand her statement..., it is simply not true what she says. She says that she has nothing to do, but I don't see that. When I come I see that she is enjoying herself, doing all kind of things. Then, in my presence, she speaks to a new neighbor on the street and she says that it was my choice to move: "Isabel wanted it so much, so I moved for her." And that is not at all how it went..., she indicated that she wanted to live near me, because she is becoming more needy. I annoy myself immensely to those kinds of statements, which simply are not true.

And what do you say when you are confronted with such situations? Nothing, I close my mouth, I walk away or go to the toilet, it gives a lot of stress inside, because it is not true what she says. And if I ever say something about it, she says, "Oh, but I don't know that anymore."
Well, what can you say..., then you are spoken out.

Okay, I say, this is a situation that lends itself well to self-inquiry. Do you ever do self-examination? That you sit down and write down what is happening in you, what convictions exist in you? No. I would recommend that. Let's take a look. What lives in you when your mother tells the neighbor: "My daughter wanted me to live near her, I miss my neighborhood, my contacts." What is the interpretation you give to this statement from your mother? After some research Isabel comes to the core: that my mother is not happy with the move, that she has been put under pressure by me to come and live here.

Oh, interesting, I say..., how you look at it..., I had a completely different interpretation..., and that's so valuable from self-inquiry..., that you suddenly get a very clear picture what you stick to your mother's statement..., that is not the truth..., but that is what you see... That doesn't mean that your mother meant it that way..., you see this becasue you coloring it that way. Perhaps it is the other way around: that you felt pressured to move your mother your way through her statements about loneliness?

Do you know how I interpret her statement to the neighbour? No. That your mother indirectly want to say that she would like to have some contact with the neighbour. That is a very different coloring than you gave it. Not to say that this interpretation is correct..., it is more that I want to show you that everyone has their own view. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you realize that it is only a view, no more and no less, but if you assume that what you see is the truth, then there is friction and conflict within you and outside you.

Do you already feel that the identification with this view is coming off a bit? She nods. You can compare it with what is happening between you and me: we both look at the same situation, but you see something different then me. So you don't know from which intention your mother spoke to the neighbor in this way. I see that it resonates what we exchange with each other.

A next step may be that you start the conversation with your mother, not from accusation (what you say is wrong, you are lying), but from openness and understanding: everyone has his/her own coloring in of a situation. You share your interpretation ánd you ask about her experience. If you can see that it is your coloring in, then the load falls away, then you understand that it is not the truth, but an interpretation on your part. Then you can share that interpretation: Mom, I want to come back to the conversation you had with the neighbor... I felt irritated when you said you moved to this place because of me, I don't recognize that, I understood that you wanted to live closer to me, because you became more needy and yes..., you are right that it would be easier for me..., that's true, the knife cuts on two sides, but if you tell the neighbor that you moved because I wanted it so badly..., it just doen't feel true for me..., it gives me the feeling that you are not happy with the move and that you have felt pressured by me to move over here. I don't know if that is the case, that's how I see it, this is what I make of it, maybe you meant it very differently... So, I'm curious what's in you ma ...,

And then it may very well be that your mother says: Did I say that? I don't know it anymore. Or that she says: I have to get used to it, on this moment I don't feel really happy here, but that can change, I miss my house, my neighborhood, even though I felt lonely there, I still had my contact moments with the neighbors, it was not much, but I liked that, I just need a little more time before I feel at home again. Or: I also felt pressured, maybe you didn't meant that..., but I felt that I had no choice, I depend on you, so it was easier for you if I moved closer to you.

And then it's all about whether you can hear any answer from your mother, receive it without making it personal, without involving yourself (I didn't do it well, mom is not happy with it).

Realize that it's not about getting you right or defending your point of view, but that you have said what's bothering you... (instead of suppressing everything), and that the other person can share his/her experience. There is no right or wrong..., it is not that your perspective is correct and that of your mother is wrong, or the other way around: that the perspective of your mother is right and yours is not. We all create our own stories (interpretations) about reality. It's about sharing everyone's experience: "Oh, that's the way you look at the situation, that lives in you..., good to hear, I have another view."

Your mother and you don't differ from each other: you are both a prisoner of the mind. She sees everything negative and distorts facts according to your experience (that's her pattern) and you want to please everyone and hoard everything (that's your pattern).  You would like her to change, but as difficult as it is for her, it is for you too, right? Do you see that? Maybe it softens your perspective about her when you let that in: it is not easy to change, you need courage to take steps outside the comfort zone.

So the question is: 'Do you want to grow?' And if the answer is 'yes', then you take the resistance for granted, then you use every situation for your liberation, you go for it.

A week later I send her this blog to approve.
This is her reaction: I think it is very beautiful and clearly written and it has been very helpfull already. So clear to read it again and I can fully agree with the story. When I read it like this I am sure: yes, I want to grow and I can tell you that I am really working on it. I also had a good conversation with my mother and it was exactly as you described it... that it is indeed everyone's interpretation. Thank you for this beautiful blog.


www.thehealingcircle.one
Linked-in: Caroline Ootes

Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.



You have to go through your suffering, through your own hell. No one else can do it for you. 
(Osho)

A client comes for a coaching consult. She indicates that she wants peace in her head, that she is very much in her head. "I want an answer on everything, a explanation where it comes from," she says.
And then..., I ask, what does it yield you? Does the question then disappear or does a new question come in its place?
She laughs, from recognition: "Yes, those questions go on and on... that never stops, but I can’t stop it, it is a compulsive tendency." And what does it bring you? I ask. "Well, if I have a explanation, I can steer it or let it go.... I just have an issue with control and I can't stand it if I have no grip on anything. And this all started when I became unemployed a few years ago. And then I feel pressure that I have to go after work, that I have to apply, but there is no movement in me to do so, and I just don't understand what is happening in me..., I've never been like that..., I feel so frustrated ..., I don't recognize myself anymore. Before I became unemployed I was a completely different woman: independent, powerful, self-reliant, I was an entrepreneurial woman. But now I make a drama of everything. I just don't know myself anymore... And then I wonder if I should start to feel more or if I think too much... or too little. And my head goes on and on. Eventually I go outside to ride or walk very mindfull, just to get out of my head. I say to myself: now it must be over with that compulsive tendency to think..., but as soon as I get home, the head takes it over again. I didn't had that before I became unemployed. I don't get it, I don't understand myself anymore."

Recognizable to the reader? The tendency to float around in the head? The tendency to formulate an explanation or answer on every question in your life? The tendency to psychologize and analyze from an underlying need for control: if I understand what is happening in me, then I can steer it or let it go (if there would be a button to let go, you would already have done it, or not?). Recognizable that it keeps going on and you can't stop the inclination?

I feel her fear..., she loses grip on her life..., a grip that no one ever has, even though we think so... Nothing is clear and predictable for her anymore, she no longer has her life in her hand (what she never had). Since she has been unemployed, her personal will-power is extinguishing, she doesn't recognizes herself no more... and the mechanism (willpower) with which she could sweep tensions under the rug, which worked so well before she became unemployed, no longer functions. The ego is in a degradation process and the mind pulls out all the stops to survive: analyze, psychologize, fear, doubt, confusion.  Well, how do you find peace in your head then? 

I feel compassion for her and share with her what I perceive: there is a dying process going on, the personal will power goes out. Not easy..., but it eventually brings you home, it takes you to surrender to existence.  Everything is at the right place and time (a statement she used before she became unemployed) and serves you to wake up from the grip of the ego, from the grip of the mind, who wants to control, grasp, hold on, be secure and clear (this is me, my identity). That is not Life itself, because Life itself ..., what you essentially are..., flows... and lives in surrender with what is. I see the perfection of existence working through her: the suffering that serves to come home to the Self. I have gone through it myself and recognize what she describes: the personal will doesn't work anymore..., the image you had about yourself..., all the qualities with which you identified yourself..., it all collapses..., you don't recognize yourself anymore.  And to surrender to that..., to that demolition process..., to the fact that you have nothing in hand anymore (which was always the case), is not easy, the mind rebels, everything has to stay the way it was... Well, and then you come to a point in your life that everything that was solidified (job/image about yourself/your identity) is being turned upside down...

A follow-up appointment is made a month later. The evening before the consultation I come across a satsang of Osho on you tube with the title: How to stop thinking? After writing the latest blogs about self-inquiry, I wonder how Osho would answer this question. I listen to the satsang and enjoy his wisdom: Love your mind, don't make it an enemy. What a wonderful statement..., so true. Everything is at the right place and time: a coincidence - listening to the satsang - fits seamlessly with the client's request. I share the essence of the satsang with her, it comes in. And I share the metaphor described in my blog 'transforming beliefs, the direct way'. I see that something energetically happens during the transfer. 

Another month later she comes back. She says: something has really shifted in me and I blame you, she looks at me and gives a wink. A huge burden has fallen away from me. From one day to the next a load of stress fell away from me. I just don't understand what I've been so worried about all these years ..., all that stress was not necessary at all ..., I can see that now.

Well, it is so true what she is saying: all that stress was not necessary at all. But if you are in the middle of it, if you are being held hostage by the mind, if you believe all your thoughts/emotions, if you come from the mind (now I must be mindful) and battle with the mind, then life is a hell...,  until you discover the door that has always been open: witness consciousness.

Amazing how life can run... Yes, witness consciousness, that's what it's all about: getting out of the mind. Not by battleling the mind, but through love of the mind: see without judgment what takes place in the mind.  Louise indicates that my explanation about the metaphor of the hall of a theather (consciousness) and the stage (the mind) was very helpful to her (see blog: transforming beliefs, the direct way).

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.
For those who like, hereby the link to Osho 'How to stop thinking?': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCShgsLzpjA


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

From what perspective are you looking?



From what perspective are you looking?

A client comes into practice. Louise tells about a relative, let's call him Jos, who is incurably ill. Jos is still able to do the necessary in the home and outdoors, besides the rest he needs in connection with his illness. Louise is visiting them. She would like to offer her help. According to Louise, Jos makes use of his illness by expecting everyone to be ready for him, day and night, and to serve him at his best. His behavior is not much different than for the moment he became incurably ill: everything revolves around him, he manipulates everyone around him to satisfy his desires, everyone has to follow up his orders. Louise indicates that she would like to do something for Hilde, the wife of Jos, but she doesn't know what. 

After having gone out with them, a conversation arose between Louise and Hilde. Jos is in bed at that moment. Hilde indicates that she feels exhausted. She would also like to lie down on the couch, just like her husband. Or go out the door to run fast, but then she has to arrange so much for the children and her husband: it's too difficult... Besides that, Jos gives ongoing assignments, because he is ill, he needs attention and care. I ask Louise if she offered her help at that moment in the conversation, now that Hilde clearly indicates her wish. No, says Louise, I didn't offer any help, it went through me, but I thought that would not change the situation, actually most of the time I just thought one thing: 'He may also do something for her'. 

Well, that's how it goes... Apparently Louise has been triggered, so she can't be 'present', in alignment with Hilde, the energy is in her head (judgments) instead of being in her heart. 

The conversation between Louise and Hilde continues. Louise asks Hilde if she can give Jos small assignments to spare herself a little. No, says Hilde, I don't want to give Jos the feeling that he is not doing enough. Louise gives an example, Jos can prepare some fruit for the children, but Hilde keeps it off: she is afraid that Jos will get angry (as it has been until then in their marriage), then the atmosphere is negative and that is what she don't want. Louise feels the impotence of Hilde and feels herself powerless too. She doesn't know how she can handle this situation and what kind of help she can offer. I ask Louise what triggers her: What is your perspective on this situation? Which pictures/convictions are set in motion? From which glasses do you look? Louise says: he treats her as a slave, I would like to wake her up..., you are also a person who needs care and attention. Recognizable? I ask. Until recently you also lived a similar scenario, right? Do you see the mirrors you look at? That you, not too long ago, also felt exhausted and powerless..., you just kept running and taking care of the others and you also wanted to keep the sweet peace: if they don't talk about difficult subjects, then I also keep my mouth... Louise recognizes the mirrors. Besides powerlessness she also feels frustration. Whose frustration is that? I ask. Is that about Hilde and Jos or is it your frustration? Frustration, because you went through so long in an unhealthy situation? Frustration, because you continued to give care and attention, while you yourself needed that care and attention, but could not ask... She recognizes what I give back. Apparently there is still a lot of frustration in you over the past years and that frustration is triggered by this situation of Hilde and Jos. Yes, says Louise, I have put a lot of frustration away..., I didn't want to feel that feeling of helplessness and impotence. When I feel it, I push it away as soon as possible. Yes, I say, and that's what you want with Jos and Hilde: pushing away their powerlessness and frustration... May she feel powerless and frustrated? Yes, I see what you mean, says Louise.

And further..., I ask, what else is there in you? Well, says Louise, I would really like Hilde to get a cup of coffee from him. It isn't that everything is only about Jos and that he can afford to ruin the atmosphere if Hilde doesn't do what he says. 

Is that so: that it can't be that everything revolves around Jos? I see something else. What I see is that the situation is as it is: everything revolves around Jos, and Hilde is willing to do everything she can to prevent him from being angry or completely ignoring her. That is the reality, those are the facts. Yes, says Louise, that is true. 

Can you be with that? 

Hard, says Louise. If Hilde indicates that she wants to continue with this man in the same way as she did before, who are you to want something different? If you would like to offer help, out of compassion with her situation, then it would be without any conditions? Or should she speak out to her partner because you are still frustrated from your situation, from all those times that you have not spoken? If you really want to give your support, then I can imagine that you are offering her to visit her and that she has, so to speak, two hours for herself to do what she would like to do at that moment (running/rest/looking for a friend). And then you also say to her that you will take good care of her husband... Louise looks at me with big eyes. Yes, I say, that is exactly what her care is about..., it is too complicated, too big to arrange a babysitter for the children and for this man in particular. She realizes very well that he is a tyrant, which she doesn't oppose..., and certainly not now that he is incurably ill... She has her motives to do it the way she does..., is that allowed? Or should she and Jos change before you can step into the boat to give them help? Can you be with what is? And this is it: a woman who maintains a destructive pattern to keep the sweet peace, because her husband will die in not too long time. That is the reality. See that your frustration and impotence runs through, so you can't feel and can give what is needed for Hilde. That is not bad..., it's not about right or wrong..., but about the motives that make you react like you react. If you see through it, there will be freedom of movement and you can offer the help that is appropriate. Can you feel compassion for her and for the situation she is in? Because you yourself have experienced that you were not in a position to step out of a destructive pattern? Because you have personally experienced that you had your motives to maintain an unhealthy situation? Because you yourself have experienced that it requires a lot of courage to revolt? Yes, Louise says, I feel what you are saying, it comes in. I could share this with her, from person to person, that I understand that she is in a difficult situation, that I recognize it... and that I would like to assist her in the way it feels good to her. Yes, that's the way..., now I feel your heart.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

I ​​would like to live in the here and now, but I live from one dot on the horizon to the next dot.



I meet a woman in practice. For the sake of convenience I call her Silvia. 
A conversation unfolds. Silvia indicates that in her life she always has a tendency to be 20 steps further than she is now. She finds it difficult to live in the here and now. She actually lives from one dot on the horizon to the next dot on the horizon. And this doesn't only take place in the field of her work (the next step on the career ladder), but also in relation to relationships. 

She says: "I just can't stop it ..., I am always busy with the next step, I constantly make pictures in my head about my work and about a new relationship that started some time ago. My coaching question is how I can be in the here and now."

I invite her to share more. She talks about a new relationship. From the start they went straight into the depths: a totally new experience for her. She indicates that she wants him to come closer, but that she is also afraid of it. Like him. He has let her know that he has fear of commitment through an earlier stifling relationship in his life. At some point she jokingly invites him to join her family on a family weekend. She knows in advance the answer he will give, so she says: "I don't ask you, but I share with you that my brother joked around that this weekend is perhaps the moment to get to know each other." The invitation from the brother of Silvia immediately triggers a feeling of suffocation in Silvia's friend: there is tension on his throat, he feels pressured. "You really don't have to come along, says Silvia to him, I didn't ask you anyway..., I just shared what my brother have said." 

After this meeting, she notices that she is in the grip of her mind. All sorts of thoughts haunted her mind, which makes her doubt whether she should continue the relationship with this man: "Is there a future for us? Not only does he keep the relationship at a distance, me too." 

I ask Silvia what her pictures (thoughts) are: bring them all into the light, what is haunting through you? "Well, Silvia says, first and foremost, I imagine what this fear of intimity  means for our relationship in the nearby future..." Then I think: "Gee, this man is very damaged..., and I don't want to be his therapist..., but we do have deep exchanges, that is very nice..., and it also comes to me well that he has a form of fear of commitment..., then I don't have to cross the bridge myself..., and... if I'm very honest..., it feels safe that he keeps distance, then it can't go wrong..., because there is a strong thought in me that it will go wrong again." 

She continues: "Yes, I see that the thinking machine is going on, I see that I am completely absorbed by all those pictures, all those thoughts, but I can't resist, the mind just goes on. I would love to live in the here and now. Actually, I myself break what is there now (nice exchanges) by constantly anticipating the nearby future."

"Yes, I say, I feel your energy..., it lacks confidence..., I feel that you want guidance, certainty, clarity... and that isn't possible, because the situation is as it is. And besides that..., life itself is also insecure by nature: you don't know what the next moment brings, so no answer is possible." 

It resonates: there is no trust. She bursts out crying: "If I start to trust now, I'm so afraid to get the lid on my nose." She is crying. I give her the time to feel her grief. After some time I ask her what she means when she says she is so afraid to get the lid on her nose. "That I can be hurt," says Silvia. What does that look like? What are you afraid of? I ask. "I'm afraid he'll pull out the plug." What would be his story to pull out the plug? "Well, I am afraid that he thinks that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy of his love." And then? What are you afraid of? "That I'll stay behind alone." Yes, that's what I feel, I say, you closed your heart at some point in your life, like him, you are so afraid of being hurt..., I feel that you are led by a conviction: love is not there for me, no one who really wants me, I just stay behind.

This remark triggers a flood of grief. I feel compassion for her and invite her to fully allow the old pain. After a while I ask: "Do you realize this is child pain? It seems that in your childhood you picked up the message from your parents that they didn't really love you, which you have translated into: I am not good enough, I am not worth it." 

Again she bursts out crying. She says: "It resonates 100%. As a child I sometimes thought that I had been adopted, despite my birth pictures as proof." Stay with your grief, I say, feel where it is in your body, bring all your attention to this pain and let it melt, don't go to your head, to stories. After the necessary shocks of intense grief, it is quiet again in Silvia. 

Yes, I say, this is the pain you have been carrying with you for a lifetime. And where you act from. This pain has never fully seen the light. And existence is very gracious to you, by bringing this man on your path, giving you the opportunity to melt the pain of the child you were. This pain makes you always take refuge to your head: there is no trust. At some point in your life you have closed yourself: you long for intimacy and openness, that is your heart. Everyone's heart longs for connection, for proximity and contact, but the pain of not being loved is still there." 

I will now return to the question you came in with: "How can I be in the here and now?" There are several ways. First of all: let this pain melt, which has become clear today. Every time when fear and doubt is triggered and a compulsive tendency arises to make pictures (thoughts) about this relationship, turn inside and feel the pain that lies beneath the pictures: everything is uncertain (that's right: life is uncertain), I don't know what to do (that is true, you can't know, the flow of life is not predictable), shall I go on with this relationship (that will naturally become clear in time), I am so afraid that it goes wrong, that no one will be there for me, that I stay behind (the pain of the child and existential pain: a deep sense of loneliness). When you have felt the pain to the root, it evaporates. Then the tendency to make pictures (the thinking machine) can still be triggered, but you will no longer be held hostage by the mind, it is then possible to be present: you see what takes place in the mind. The Self (Consciousness) looks at the self (the mind). You see the story that takes place in your head. And then look total: view everything that is being performed by the mind, from the beginning to the end..., be present..., look at the whole movie that your mind produces..., realizing that you are not the story, but the lamp of awareness, who sees the story. By fully consciously observing the antics of the mind, the pattern is completely illuminated and at a certain moment it goes out. Is it a new situation that triggers you, a situation that you can't let go of (it keeps you busy): look, observe what happens, what do you say, do... and research on a quiet moment what is touched, what convictions (pictures) have been triggered. Don't concern yourself with what the other person did right or wrong. Don't concern yourself with what you did or didn't do well: that is not self-research, that is the mind, that wants to declare the other guilty and/or yourself. Don't go to psychological analysis and explanations. Simply bring everything into the light, that is self-inquiry: let the lamp of Conscious Being shine on the convictions and fears until you reach the pit, the pain point (see previous blog). 

Sometimes seeing through the trigger is enough to see reality as it is, sometimes more work is needed: feeling the original pain as it happened in you today. How does that pain feel? The pain of not being loved, the pain of loneliness. Don't go to statements and stories about your youth. Go to the pain that lies behind the thought that you often feel that you were adopted: no one who loves me, loneliness. Let that pain melt. And then your heart opens and it is possible to really enter into an intimate relationship. 

And realize the impact of your process on your partner: everything you clean up has a healing effect on him and on everyone you connect with. That is great, isn't it? 

Another way to get out of the head is: being present in the here and now. And I see/feel that the lamp of awareness is no longer completely veiled by identification with the mind: you see, you notice that you always take refuge in your head, to explanations, to doubts, distrust. Don't judge this tendency, it is not personal, it is collective, we have all been raised in this field of fear and shortage. And it's already a lot that you see the inclination. The majority of mankind doesn't realize that they live continuously from this field, from the mind: in the past or in the future, but not here and now. They are fully identified with the mind, with their thoughts and emotions, which they consider appropriate (my story). 

And change begins with seeing, with awareness. So great that you see the inclination. The exercise I want to give you is: return to the here and now. Every time you notice that you are in your head, bring attention to this moment. This is not easy, because it is a deeply ingrained groove: the head as a survival strategy to prevent hurt, the head that wants grip on a situation (relationship) to prevent disappointment and pain, the head that wants clarity and certainty what is impossible, because life is uncertain and open, so it is not predictable. 

And that reminds me of Nisargadatta, a spiritual teacher who died in 1981. Do you know him? No. He came to liberation by consistently applying a simple instruction from his master. Every time there was identification with the mind (I am the world, this personality, the body, my faith, culture, my thoughts etc.) he brought the attention back to the original principle, to the 'being' principle, the 'I am'. To that which is..., beyond the mind..., beyond all assumptions and beliefs that are claimed by the ego (I am so and so). If that falls away from us..., the identification with the mind..., what is left? That what is: I am. And after I am... it is quiet, no interpretation, no hold on anything: openness, no identification with the mind, that is Life. I am..., there is no more to say. Every time there is a tendency to go into a story, a story about yourself or about the other, a story about the past or about the future: return to I am, to Beingness, to just being. This ends the session. She is very grateful to me. "How is it possible that we came to the core in such a short time," she says. Yes... sometimes it goes like that..., you're a ripe apple. 



www.thehealingcircle.one 
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Nothing is certain, learn to love that.

 

If nothing is certain, everything is possible. 

We (my partner and our daughter) are on holiday in another country, a country where we haven't been before. At some point our daughter shows that she misses her sister, who died last year (summer 2016) around this time. She indicates that during other holidays with the family she was used to go out with her in the evening, that is no longer possible. She is sad. 

Later she let us know that she is in the mood of meeting peers to chill together. She is placing a message on tinder friends and not much later she's receiving a message from a young man of her age, who is 17 km away from our address in a holiday home, together with two other men. She's showing us a picture of the young man, who's indicating that they have rented a spacious holiday home, which is located in a remote spot. 

We are on the beach when this conversation is happening. My partner is a few meters away, he is lying in the shadow and is listening from a distance to the conversation that unfolds between my daughter and me. She wants  an adventure, she says. She wonders how she gets there and how she returns home at night. During the conversation my partner stands up and walks towards us. He makes it clear that he doesn't want her to go: an unknown country, 17 km away from our address, isolated house, 3 men she doesn't know..., what does that all mean..., it is our last evening, he says, I don't want you to go over there. 

In everything I feel that his reaction comes from fear. So afraid to lose another daughter..., he feels that he has no control over the situation... Well, how do you deal with such a situation if your daughter is an adult woman of 26 years and your partner clearly indicates that he doesn't like this trip from his daughter? 

Her father goes into the sea. She resumes the conversation with me. What do you think? What shall I do? No idea, I say, what is going through you now? Well, I don't want to disappoint Dad, and of course it is also nice to end up with a dinner and I also understand that he is afraid, but yes, I am 26 years old... and I feel a pressure when Daddy is talking like that..., it feels like I can't do what I want..., I just love some adventure... 

Okay, and further..., what else is going on in you? Well, I like it to meet people and chill out with each other, but yes, transport is still a problem: how do I get there and how do I get back home? What shall I do? Do what is right for you, I say, even if it is not right for your father. You are not responsible for his feelings, whether that is fear... or disappointment from an expectation that he has about our last night. And of course, your father has every right to express himself, to express his need and to show his fear, but that doesn't mean you have to stick to it. The pressure you experience is not caused by your father, the pressure lives in you, it is the pressure of adaptation, which lives in each of us. It is not easy to be your-Self, to be faithful to the inner voice, especially when the other person has an expectation that doesn't match with what you want. It is up to you to discover what the inner voice is whispering to you, to discover what is right for you. And there are several possibilities: you can first go out for dinner with us and then visit these young men, you can go out for dinner with us and then see what the possibilities are in the immediate environment to meet some peers (café in de neighborhood/ happening on the beach), you can eat out with us and then we walk together to the old city to stroll and have a drink somewhere, you can also decide not to obey the urge to adventure, to experience what that brings about in you, what you meet in yourself if you don't 'go'. 

She lets it all sink in for a moment. At some point she says: I am not going,  I don't know how to get there and also the return journey is a problem. Can't you pick me up? No, I say, I don't feel like that. I want to bring you as long as it is light, nice to explore the area by car, but you have to arrange the return journey differently. Okay, she says, I'm not going, too complicated. 

Some time later the young man appt, he is ready to pick her up, but since he wants to drink some alcoholic drinks himself, he can't bring her back to the address where we are staying. His reaction changes her thoughts: she indicates that she wants to go to the invitation and asks if he can arrange a taxi for the return journey. Not much later, a name and telephone number of a taxi driver who is willing to bring her home, even if it is in the middle of the night, follows. She says: I am going..., first I am going to eat with you and Dad and then I will let him pick me up from our address. Okay, I say, then it seems nice to meet him at the moment he comes to pick you up and I want the address where he stays, his name and phone number. Can you show me the picture of this young man again? I look once more and feel the energy of the young man on the photo: good energy, confidence-inspiring. The situation as it unfolds feels right for me.
 
My daughter says: Do I have to tell it to daddy? 
We'll see how it unfolds..., I don't know that yet either. In any case, you can borrow the money for the taxi and it's nice that we're going out for dinner together, your father will like that. 

After eating, she is picked up from our residence address. We walk outside and say hello to the young man. He gets out of the car, introduces himself. I share with him our thought: we are in an unfamiliar environment, we don't know you and our daughter is dear to us. He reacts with understanding: I can imagine, he says, very well to keep an eye on her. After the short acquaintance my partner is reassured. She steps in and promises to send an app. I lived on the assumption that she would send the address of the young men's stay. The next day it turned out that she had already mentioned the location prior to her appointment, which I hadn't registered properly. 

Three quarters of an hour later I go to bed, there hasn't yet been an app with the address. She's probably forgotten that..., well, it's okay..., I'm going to sleep. After a few hours I go to the toilet and then look at the phone. No message. It's a pity, I don't know how things are going with her and the address where she is staying is not known (I thought). I am in the zone of 'uncertainty'. And yet there is no movement to send her an app. 

I get back in bed. It is warm, I can't sleep. I see one scenario after the other scenario for my mind's eye appearing, unmoved I look at the possibilities: she can be raped, she can be murdered, she can experience a great evening and get back home somewhere in the night, she can have a great time and decide to stay asleep, she can have so much fun that she decides to stay with them for another week. I see the possibilities and I am calm under it. 

But behind the scenarios there is a different deep tone, a tone that is related to fear: the tone of the uncertain, the tone of not knowing, of the unknown, of total openness, what Life itself is: unknown, fresh, new, an adventure. It feels frightening... that total openness. 
Around three o'clock I visit the toilet again and look again on the phone: no message. I'll call her. She picks up, she has fun and is now waiting for the taxi to come home. I am glad that she likes it, that she enjoys, without her sister, who can't be there anymore. And for us..., for me... another test of Life itself: surrender to existence itself, that's what it's about..., without any reserve..., surrender to total openness..., not knowing what the next moment brings, not knowing what the outcome is, not knowing how this situation will unfold..., which is always the case..., even though we live under the assumption that we can control existence and/or situations... 
The reality is that we have no control at all, that is the actual situation what we prefer to avoid as long as we view ourselves as separate from existence: "I" and the world. 

And what does the world mean to us? Is there confidence in us? Or do we experience the world as threatening and hostile? What is our perspective? The "I" (ego) knows no trust, the "I" is a creation of the mind through which we experience ourselves separately from Life itself. The 'I' wants certainty and clarity, wants to know what and when, but the reality is that nothing is certain, there is no hold, there is nothing to cling to, even if we think so, even though we try to create all kinds of certainties (home, partner, work, health, etc.). 

And then I hear my teacher say: nothing is certain, learn to love that. Yes, that is what we experienced to the fullest in the summer of 2016: the death of our daughter. I feel that a deep process of release is going on in me..., a slow dismantling of the 'I', of the identity, of the self-image (this is me). 

Nothing is certain anymore..., that realization is going on, a process of demolition is taking place... And if nothing is certain, all answers are possible, all scenarios..., because that is Life. Trust in existence, that's what it's all about..., which, incidentally, doesn't mean naive stepping into a situation. 
In this situation it meant for me the following aspects: viewing of the photo, getting acquainted, name and phone number of the young man and the address of their stay. 

And so the universe regularly carries out unforeseen tests like the above situation with our daughter. And the consciousness in me is watching: What does this situation bring about in me? How do I react? From fear and being worried or trust? No address of the young man's stay (I thought) + no movement to send an app to ask for the address... In the past I would have contacted directly from fear in such situations... Well, that's Life. 

Which tests of the universe do you encounter? Do you see them? And what do these tests bring about in you? Is there resistance? Are you stuck? Or are you moving? Are you investigating for yourself what this test is showing you? 

Every test has the potential for growth, for consciousness. And then I am very grateful to our daughter for her adventurous spirit, her trust in humanity, a mirror for us, even though she sometimes makes a mistake. 

The next day I read the blog to her and I ask her if it's okay if I publish it? Yes, she says, it's okay. What is the hitch that I hear, I say. I am afraid that people will fall over me again, that I haven't taken you and Dad into account, while Simone died about this time a year ago. Well, I say, I'll put that in the blog..., maybe they'll also understand the other side of the coin..., that you serve us in our growth..., it's not always easy..., I have to admit, but I am grateful to you..., very grateful for who you are... 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes