Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

My father wants euthanasia, the GP doesn't cooperate...



A few weeks ago I said to my mother: "I feel that Dad will not live long." She was shocked by that..., even though he is 90.

And now we're in the middle of it, and not suddenly. His body is worn out..., he doesn't want to live anymore..., he goes of and on into the hospital..., he wants euthanasia..., but yes, his heart is strong and the lungs are good..., so whether the GP will cooperate with the request of my Dad, that is still very much the question.

My father has a very advanced form of skin cancer on the upper body and head. The hospital has indicated that they are out of treatment, they can't do anything for him anymore. In addition, his knees are worn out, so it is difficult to walk and sometimes he falls, his eyes and ears are function badly, one eye can no longer be completely closed, because of some TIA's he has had, his hands are shaking so he must have an apron and must be fed and he can't wash/dress himself, he is difficult to understand because of the TIA's he has had.

And so it happens that I take care of my father one morning. My mother hears me come in and says, "Oh, you're a little earlier, okay, then you can rub his skin with ointment today." I swallow as I enter the bedroom. My father sits there, on the bed, without clothing, his eye half sewn and fur and blue from the operation, his upper body and head full of skin cancer spots and large bruises from the times he has fallen. I put on a glove and smear its skin that itches so terribly, the ointment gives relief, I dress him and do some small jobs here and there...

When I look at my father like that, I see the transience of existence..., there is no escape... and we are the next generation, then it's our turn...

My father sits on the bed..., he'll let everything happen..., no resistance..., no shame..., there is surrender..., surrender to the state of affairs ánd the desire to end his life: let death come..., I am ready for it..., my body is worn out..., my life has been good, now it is time to go.
 Yes, that is the energy of my father: a very ordinary man, who has become very fragile and vunerable over the years.

I talk with my father and mother about my father's desire for euthanasia. During the second or third conversation I ask my father without any detours: "Do you really want to die, Dad? You don't have to die, if you want to stay alive, that's okay, we'll take care of you." Yes, I know that, I am grateful for that, says my father, but I want euthanasia, it doesn't work anymore. Okay, I say, realize well that you are the one who must make clear to the GP that there is hopeless and unbearable suffering. Do you understand that, Dad? Yes I understand. Okay, Dad, what do you say when the doctor for example asks you if you are in pain? Well, then I say that it is not that bad..., you get used to pain. Yes, Dad, that is true, you get used to pain, and once again you don't have to die, but if you want to die, then you have to convince the GP that it is not working for you anymore. He understands the message.

The GP comes a few days later. I indicate that I want to link our conversations about euthanasia with her. The GP is not open to it, even though I had mentioned earlier that week that we wanted to talk about euthanasia during her home visit. She says, "I will first talk to your father, you are going very fast." Then she literally turns away from me and my mother and addresses the word to my father.

My father has understood the message from our conversation, which took place earlier in that week: he is on the move. And on a certain moment he comes out, he tells the doctor that he wants euthanasia. And then he names all complaints (sometimes difficult to understand) and consequences of the complaints from which he wants to die. In the background my mother and I watch and listen to my father. He's going to stand for it..., he pulls everything out of the closet to make it clear that he wants euthanasia.

During the conversation it becomes clear how the GP is in it, she doesn't want to cooperate: there is no file structure (in her opinion), although my father is member of the Dutch association for euthanasia for some years, and there is no question of an incurable disease in the sense that my father will die within 2 weeks to 6 months. In addition, she sees it as her task to ensure that the patient's final stage of life is as harmonious as possible by supporting the patient with medication and care. Passive or active euthanasia is not an option for her. And that's her right to see it like that.

After the interview, we decide to switch on the end-of-life clinic.

Well, what is hopeless and unbearable suffering? Who is going to decide about that? Who determines what is hopeless and what is unbearable suffering? Is there hopeless and unbearable suffering if you can hardly leave the door because your knees are worn out and the chance of a fall is great? Is there hopeless and unbearable suffering if you have to be cared for, washed and fed by third parties every day? Is there hopeless and unbearable suffering if the wounds of the skin cancer don't heal anymore (the skin is too thin), the itching is intense and you can't scratch, because otherwise you have to go to the hospital again to stop the umpteenth bleeding? Is there hopeless and unbearable suffering if the senses function poorly, your hands shaking constantly and social contacts outside the door are virtually impossible?

They are subjective data, that is true: what one experiences as hopeless and unbearable can be very different for another. That also makes it so difficult. Can someone else really judge about that? Judge about what you experience and feel?

And the strange thing is that my father, in addition to the request for euthanasia, still enjoys in his way. Especially of the food (one of the few pleasures that are still possible), even if it has to be fed. I do understand it. That is also what I admire in my father. He wants to die, but if the wish is not honored, then he surrenders: not as a victim, but from a basic fact that everything goes as it goes.

What else can you do? my father says. I can express my wish, but if it's not possible, then you surrender to that..., it's like it is.

Beautiful to be part of this process, I see surrender, a surrender that is neither happy nor sad. A surrender to the situation as it is. A surrender to life and death that is approaching, because yes ..., there is a time of coming and a time of going.

The procedure with the end-of-life clinic starts. After a few weeks comes the long-awaited statement from the end-of-life clinic and an independent physician, who evaluates the application for euthanasia:
'Yes, there is hopeless and unbearable suffering due to the accumulation of old age disorders.'

Pa feels relief and is grateful now that the end is in sight.

During one of the exchanges with the doctor of the end-of-life clinic, I ask him how he looks at active euthanasia. I say: 'Quite a few GPs indicate that they view active euthanasia as an act by which they kill someone, what is your view of that?' The doctor of the end-of-life clinic says: "I see euthanasia as a medical act to give the patient a dignified end of life."

Beautiful..., well..., that is a completely different perspective..., it is just how you look at it...

It's nice that the end-of-life clinic exists, that people can go there if the GP doesn't want and can't support the request for euthanasia.

Share the blog..., if it feels like that, so that the elderly among us can take this information in (quite a few older people don't know about the existence of the end-of-life clinic).

PS: My father received euthanasia on January 13, 2018.
A few weeks before his death I read a version of this blog to them (father/mother and at a later time the whole family). His reaction: "You described that very nicely..., you have to publish it so that the elderly among us know that they can go to the end-of-life clinic if their GP
doesn't want tot cooperate ." I will do so, Dad.

www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.



You have to go through your suffering, through your own hell. No one else can do it for you. 
(Osho)

A client comes for a coaching consult. She indicates that she wants peace in her head, that she is very much in her head. "I want an answer on everything, a explanation where it comes from," she says.
And then..., I ask, what does it yield you? Does the question then disappear or does a new question come in its place?
She laughs, from recognition: "Yes, those questions go on and on... that never stops, but I can’t stop it, it is a compulsive tendency." And what does it bring you? I ask. "Well, if I have a explanation, I can steer it or let it go.... I just have an issue with control and I can't stand it if I have no grip on anything. And this all started when I became unemployed a few years ago. And then I feel pressure that I have to go after work, that I have to apply, but there is no movement in me to do so, and I just don't understand what is happening in me..., I've never been like that..., I feel so frustrated ..., I don't recognize myself anymore. Before I became unemployed I was a completely different woman: independent, powerful, self-reliant, I was an entrepreneurial woman. But now I make a drama of everything. I just don't know myself anymore... And then I wonder if I should start to feel more or if I think too much... or too little. And my head goes on and on. Eventually I go outside to ride or walk very mindfull, just to get out of my head. I say to myself: now it must be over with that compulsive tendency to think..., but as soon as I get home, the head takes it over again. I didn't had that before I became unemployed. I don't get it, I don't understand myself anymore."

Recognizable to the reader? The tendency to float around in the head? The tendency to formulate an explanation or answer on every question in your life? The tendency to psychologize and analyze from an underlying need for control: if I understand what is happening in me, then I can steer it or let it go (if there would be a button to let go, you would already have done it, or not?). Recognizable that it keeps going on and you can't stop the inclination?

I feel her fear..., she loses grip on her life..., a grip that no one ever has, even though we think so... Nothing is clear and predictable for her anymore, she no longer has her life in her hand (what she never had). Since she has been unemployed, her personal will-power is extinguishing, she doesn't recognizes herself no more... and the mechanism (willpower) with which she could sweep tensions under the rug, which worked so well before she became unemployed, no longer functions. The ego is in a degradation process and the mind pulls out all the stops to survive: analyze, psychologize, fear, doubt, confusion.  Well, how do you find peace in your head then? 

I feel compassion for her and share with her what I perceive: there is a dying process going on, the personal will power goes out. Not easy..., but it eventually brings you home, it takes you to surrender to existence.  Everything is at the right place and time (a statement she used before she became unemployed) and serves you to wake up from the grip of the ego, from the grip of the mind, who wants to control, grasp, hold on, be secure and clear (this is me, my identity). That is not Life itself, because Life itself ..., what you essentially are..., flows... and lives in surrender with what is. I see the perfection of existence working through her: the suffering that serves to come home to the Self. I have gone through it myself and recognize what she describes: the personal will doesn't work anymore..., the image you had about yourself..., all the qualities with which you identified yourself..., it all collapses..., you don't recognize yourself anymore.  And to surrender to that..., to that demolition process..., to the fact that you have nothing in hand anymore (which was always the case), is not easy, the mind rebels, everything has to stay the way it was... Well, and then you come to a point in your life that everything that was solidified (job/image about yourself/your identity) is being turned upside down...

A follow-up appointment is made a month later. The evening before the consultation I come across a satsang of Osho on you tube with the title: How to stop thinking? After writing the latest blogs about self-inquiry, I wonder how Osho would answer this question. I listen to the satsang and enjoy his wisdom: Love your mind, don't make it an enemy. What a wonderful statement..., so true. Everything is at the right place and time: a coincidence - listening to the satsang - fits seamlessly with the client's request. I share the essence of the satsang with her, it comes in. And I share the metaphor described in my blog 'transforming beliefs, the direct way'. I see that something energetically happens during the transfer. 

Another month later she comes back. She says: something has really shifted in me and I blame you, she looks at me and gives a wink. A huge burden has fallen away from me. From one day to the next a load of stress fell away from me. I just don't understand what I've been so worried about all these years ..., all that stress was not necessary at all ..., I can see that now.

Well, it is so true what she is saying: all that stress was not necessary at all. But if you are in the middle of it, if you are being held hostage by the mind, if you believe all your thoughts/emotions, if you come from the mind (now I must be mindful) and battle with the mind, then life is a hell...,  until you discover the door that has always been open: witness consciousness.

Amazing how life can run... Yes, witness consciousness, that's what it's all about: getting out of the mind. Not by battleling the mind, but through love of the mind: see without judgment what takes place in the mind.  Louise indicates that my explanation about the metaphor of the hall of a theather (consciousness) and the stage (the mind) was very helpful to her (see blog: transforming beliefs, the direct way).

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.
For those who like, hereby the link to Osho 'How to stop thinking?': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCShgsLzpjA


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

What is the meaning of Life?


 
 What is the meaning of Life?

During a meeting where I offer support as a volunteer, I listen to a speech about the meaning of life.

The following questions are offered to the participants:
Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to experience this?

These are questions, says the trainer, which we ask ourselves when everything that seems certain becomes uncertain. The naturalness of the world as it was before, falls away. Illness, war, a loved one who dies, bankruptcy, a relationship that break... It can all be times when you ask yourself:'Why? Why is this happening to me?'

On the way back, in the car, I ponder a bit about the meeting and realize that I didn't ask these questions (why?) after the death of our daughter (July 2016). They didn't rise up in me.

And if I now let the questions go through me (why?),then my answer is: I don't know, I really don't know, the event takes place, that is all I can say. She is dead, that is all I know, she is no longer there, no longer in earthly form.

And why is it happening to me/us? A counter question: Why is it not happening to me/us? Everyone is confronted with death at some point, with crisis, with loss. There is no explanation, no why or what.

What is..., is the experience itself: in my case the death of a loved one.

I can indicate what the effect of this event is, seen from the perspective that every challenge or crisis is an opportunity for inner growth, but that doesn't mean that the meaning behind the event itself is answered.

I can think of a explanation (besides the medical statement), but that doesn't say anything about the truth itself (the why of her death), because I don't not know. And I am in peace with the fact that I don't know...,  that her death is a mystery (the mystery of Life itself).

And what about you? Can you live in limbo with regard to your life?

You can map out everything or think about the meaning you want to give to your life, but that doesn't give you any guarantee about the outcome. On the contrary, Life often differs from what you had or thought up for yourself, right?

And how easy or difficult is it for you to be in limbo about events that you experience as a crisis?

Your partner indicates that he/she wants to divorce..., your company is almost bankrupt..., your child is being bullied at school..., you have heard that you are incurably ill..., the country is preparing for a war etc.
You don't know how the next  moment will look like..., the naturalness of things falls away, total uncertainty. How is that for you? Can you be with that uncertainty?

Deep inside, because we start from a separate self, an 'I' that is separate from Life itself, we are deeply afraid to trust Life itself.

If we can't live in the openness of Life itself, then there is always the mind that can help us out by formulating a meaning, purpose, explanation and conviction.

Beliefs such as:

The course of things is fixed, I have no influence, it's just your destiny, sometimes you're lucky and sometimes unlucky.

Or:My life is in the hands of God, I am at the service of my religion and I fight for it.
Or: I have influence, I am at the helm, I give direction, everything is possible if you give your bet.

Or: If life doesn't make sense: pick the day, don't think about tomorrow, enjoy.

Or: Life makes sense, it is important to do good, you are here to give and to leave the world a little better.

Or: fill in..., what is your philosophy of life, which meaning do you give to your existence?

And everything we think about the meaning of life is not what life itself is. Life itself can't be thought of.

So we regularly have to adjust our beliefs, because what was believed today can be, will be, different tomorrow. Opinions and beliefs changes, it's just how it goes in life. And it would not be a problem when we don't hang our life on a purpose, a meaning, a religion, but that isn't the case. So it can be very painful to let go of a conviction or religion. Why? Because the religion or conviction has become part of our identity (this is me, this is my view, my life as I see it).
For example: you belief that you have to kill people for your religion. Imagine the situation that you are firmly convinced that you are doing the right thing for a higher purpose..., and then one day doubt is coming up..., you don't want to admit the doubt..., because then your whole world is falling apart... Who am I if I give up what I strongly believed in?
Another example: Your belief is that you are at the helm of your life, everything is possible if you give your best effort for it. And then, one day, you get a heavy car accident and everything that you thought up collapsed.

And then I haven't yet talked about the gaping gap that exists between a belief and reality itself: we often don't live what we have thought up. Just think of the many intentions/goals that we don't realize. What does that say about the 'me', who is in control and at the helm? Or is that 'I' just a dream?

And there's another point to make: all that attention about the meaning of life, all those explanations we give to events, all those goals we set ourselves..., it keeps us trapped in the mind instead of experiencing Life in the here and now, in this moment where everything just unfolds as it unfolds.

Convictions, goals and explanations... versus ... Life itself.

And Life itself, which we essentially are, can't be squeezed into a mold. Life itself flows, is subject to change, is uncertain, knows no anchors, no future and past than the moment itself, no support in the form of answers.

I wonder from which, as humanity, we feel the need to ask ourselves these questions of meaning (why/what)? From which is not the experience of life itself sufficient enough and do we want to philosophize about the meaning of life or the meaning of a certain event? Any idea? Stop here for a moment before reading on ...

Does it offer consolation to give an explanation to an event? Does it give reassurance to know what you are living for and what the purpose of your existence is? Does the handhold provide certainty that there is a god or that there is no life after death?

Or do we protect ourselves from feeling pain (for example the grief/loss of a loved one), by dealing with the why and what (the explanations)?

The answer could just be affirmative: yes, those answers provide guidance and protection, that's right. We all want something to hold on to and security? We all want to know what the day of tomorrow brings. We want to feel protected and safe..., right?

Even if that protection is only a very thin, fragile layer of varnish that can crack at any moment? Your partner runs away, a war breaks out, you get sick, get fired, someone dies, etc.

In the end... what we deep down already know... we can't hold onto anything..., we really don't know what the next minute brings, but that given, that we know somewhere that there is nothing to cling on..., that given is to hard to let in..., that is too scary..., no soil under our feet..., no anchors..., uncertainty triumphs... In other words: you are being handed over to Life itself. Yes, that is how it feels for the 'I' but if that 'I' is part of Life itself, if there is no separation between you and existence, because you and existence are one, can you than still talk of 'being handed over to existence'?

From where do we feel the need to protect ourselves through false certainties and handholds? What conviction lies beneath that? Is the world not a safe place and is Life not good enough for us (conviction)? Do we look at Life from fear of poverty and shortage?

What if we let us realize that life is insecure and vulnerable? What does that evoke? What is it then that we don't want to feel? What is it that we don't want to realize?

Without meaning, without goals to live for...
Without a purpose...
Without religions, that provide stability and security...
Without a future, because you really don't know what life will bring
Without a past, without explanations, without why, without a story
Life just IS.

Is there then no certainty?

Yes, the only certainty there is... is... that we all die... one day... which day and which hour is not known...

And Life itself is ultimately nothing but a preparation for death, the uncertainty. Death is: the big unknown. Just like Life, which is also uncertain (even though we believe we control life).

Do we dare to surrender to the great unknown: Death and Life itself? Do we dare to live from not-knowing, from trust and surrender? Surrender to the course of things, because we are part of the whole, because we are one with Life itself?

Life (birth) and death happen to us, even though we like to hold on to the conviction that we live Life, that we, as a director, direct our lives and determine the course. But is that so? Do we have Life in hand? Is there an 'I' that sets a course? Or is the direction, the course of Life and Life itself..., one?
And therefore uncertain and insecure?

Okay, but what is then the meaning of existence?

Life itself is the meaning of existence. And because life has no goals and destiny than the experience itself, it is so beautiful. Hindus calls life Lila, which means 'play', life is a play.

When there is no goal, no meaning, no destination..., when nothing needs to be achieved..., when there is no striving..., then there is nothing to do..., nothing at all...

Relax, sink deeper and deeper into existence, in the moment itself, live life totally, experience Life in its fullness..., as it unfolds..., from there follows the significance automatically..., then surrender to existence follows and barriers and fears disappear.

That is what I experience more and more..., surrender to existence...

Surrender to the flow of Life... and experience how easy life is when you are not in control.

Then the resistance melt. Then Life unfolds without a story made up out of your mind, without any expectation or desire. Then every meaning or non-meaning around the question whether Life makes sense or not, just falls away. In resonance with existence, in the experience itself, the significance of the events unfold naturally.

You live... that's all. And the next moment you don't know. You are. Period.

And occasionally a philosophical debate among us..., delicious right? That is also Life.

Life is a purposeless play, drop the future completly, only this moment exists, only this life is all. Live from moment to moment.
Osho

Dessert:
A bit of relaxation after this matter: a great video on you tube, fascinating, especially the first 3 minutes, the meaning of life, a boy of 9 years explains the finer.

Attention: scroll downwards when you have opened the link below.

https://www.nrc.nl/nieuws/2013/03/29/kijken-de-zin-van-het-leven-deze-jongen-van-9-legt-het-haarfijn-uit-a1436009


www.thehealingcircle.one
Linked-in: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Letting go..., live the moment.



"Letting go is looking back without regret, looking ahead without expectations and experiencing life in the here and now."


What is letting go?
And what would you like to let go? 

If that were possible at all…, can you can do it?

Would you like to let go of your fear? Or feelings of loneliness? Or your concerns... or feelings of frustration? 

What would you like to let go? 

And did it work out well when you tried to let go of all those nasty feelings and thoughts?

Did you succeed?

Or was it a fight? You just wanted to get rid of all those annoying feelings and thoughts?

In the past I have tried so many times to let go. For example, to let go of certain unpleasant thoughts... 
I said to myself: 'Well you stop it, it's been enough, you don't know how it will work out at all, so it has no use to be busy with it', and a little later I was occupied again with the same annoying thoughts. It didn't work, the so-called 'let it go'.

What is letting go? Is it 'letting go' when I say: 'Stop it, it's been enought'? 

Is it possible to let go by your effort, the effort of the ego?

My experience: 'No, it is not possible, it only happens when you realize at a deep level that you can't control life, then a process starts from the inside, a process of dismantling of the ego, then you grow in surrender, in trust and you experience that letting go is happening by itself.'

Life lives you…, if you (the ego) likes it or not… 

The journey is to discover at a deep level that you don't know what the day of tomorrow will bring, even though every day seems the same. 

You realize at a deep level that you have no control over the next minute, even if you think so. 

You realize that you can think of everything about the past (why things have gone the way they went) or about the future (how will it continue later), but you discover that thinking  makes no sense, because only the Now really exists, this moment. And the rest is all conceived, future music which we have no view of, even if we think so.

So what's the point of worrying about what can happen, if only this moment IS real. Life runs through your veins, just follow the stream.  

Do you dare to move with what Life demands from you... or do you stick to what your mind thinks? Do you hold on to a virtual world, a world of thoughts, that doesn't tell you anything about reality itself or are you willing to give up the fight, because you realize it has no use at all: thought and emotions will stick on you, day in day out, if you want to get rid of them. 

Maybe you recognize it..., that everything you had previously thought about a particular situation or encounter, in the moment itself, is very different, because what is conceived is not Life itself. 

It is easy to say, just follow the stream of Life itself, but not easy to live when you are a prisoner of the mind, a prisoner of your thoughts and emotions, a prisoner of past and future. But if you really want to get out of the misery of the psychological mind, it is possible. 

Surrender…, to the flow of Life itself…, I know…, you can't do it. It is a process…, an awakening process…, you have to look deep inside to discover who you really are: not your thought and feelings but that what perceives the thought and feelings. 

If you need support to come home in your Self, to live out of trust instead of fear, you can contact me for a consult.  


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes