Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.



You have to go through your suffering, through your own hell. No one else can do it for you. 
(Osho)

A client comes for a coaching consult. She indicates that she wants peace in her head, that she is very much in her head. "I want an answer on everything, a explanation where it comes from," she says.
And then..., I ask, what does it yield you? Does the question then disappear or does a new question come in its place?
She laughs, from recognition: "Yes, those questions go on and on... that never stops, but I can’t stop it, it is a compulsive tendency." And what does it bring you? I ask. "Well, if I have a explanation, I can steer it or let it go.... I just have an issue with control and I can't stand it if I have no grip on anything. And this all started when I became unemployed a few years ago. And then I feel pressure that I have to go after work, that I have to apply, but there is no movement in me to do so, and I just don't understand what is happening in me..., I've never been like that..., I feel so frustrated ..., I don't recognize myself anymore. Before I became unemployed I was a completely different woman: independent, powerful, self-reliant, I was an entrepreneurial woman. But now I make a drama of everything. I just don't know myself anymore... And then I wonder if I should start to feel more or if I think too much... or too little. And my head goes on and on. Eventually I go outside to ride or walk very mindfull, just to get out of my head. I say to myself: now it must be over with that compulsive tendency to think..., but as soon as I get home, the head takes it over again. I didn't had that before I became unemployed. I don't get it, I don't understand myself anymore."

Recognizable to the reader? The tendency to float around in the head? The tendency to formulate an explanation or answer on every question in your life? The tendency to psychologize and analyze from an underlying need for control: if I understand what is happening in me, then I can steer it or let it go (if there would be a button to let go, you would already have done it, or not?). Recognizable that it keeps going on and you can't stop the inclination?

I feel her fear..., she loses grip on her life..., a grip that no one ever has, even though we think so... Nothing is clear and predictable for her anymore, she no longer has her life in her hand (what she never had). Since she has been unemployed, her personal will-power is extinguishing, she doesn't recognizes herself no more... and the mechanism (willpower) with which she could sweep tensions under the rug, which worked so well before she became unemployed, no longer functions. The ego is in a degradation process and the mind pulls out all the stops to survive: analyze, psychologize, fear, doubt, confusion.  Well, how do you find peace in your head then? 

I feel compassion for her and share with her what I perceive: there is a dying process going on, the personal will power goes out. Not easy..., but it eventually brings you home, it takes you to surrender to existence.  Everything is at the right place and time (a statement she used before she became unemployed) and serves you to wake up from the grip of the ego, from the grip of the mind, who wants to control, grasp, hold on, be secure and clear (this is me, my identity). That is not Life itself, because Life itself ..., what you essentially are..., flows... and lives in surrender with what is. I see the perfection of existence working through her: the suffering that serves to come home to the Self. I have gone through it myself and recognize what she describes: the personal will doesn't work anymore..., the image you had about yourself..., all the qualities with which you identified yourself..., it all collapses..., you don't recognize yourself anymore.  And to surrender to that..., to that demolition process..., to the fact that you have nothing in hand anymore (which was always the case), is not easy, the mind rebels, everything has to stay the way it was... Well, and then you come to a point in your life that everything that was solidified (job/image about yourself/your identity) is being turned upside down...

A follow-up appointment is made a month later. The evening before the consultation I come across a satsang of Osho on you tube with the title: How to stop thinking? After writing the latest blogs about self-inquiry, I wonder how Osho would answer this question. I listen to the satsang and enjoy his wisdom: Love your mind, don't make it an enemy. What a wonderful statement..., so true. Everything is at the right place and time: a coincidence - listening to the satsang - fits seamlessly with the client's request. I share the essence of the satsang with her, it comes in. And I share the metaphor described in my blog 'transforming beliefs, the direct way'. I see that something energetically happens during the transfer. 

Another month later she comes back. She says: something has really shifted in me and I blame you, she looks at me and gives a wink. A huge burden has fallen away from me. From one day to the next a load of stress fell away from me. I just don't understand what I've been so worried about all these years ..., all that stress was not necessary at all ..., I can see that now.

Well, it is so true what she is saying: all that stress was not necessary at all. But if you are in the middle of it, if you are being held hostage by the mind, if you believe all your thoughts/emotions, if you come from the mind (now I must be mindful) and battle with the mind, then life is a hell...,  until you discover the door that has always been open: witness consciousness.

Amazing how life can run... Yes, witness consciousness, that's what it's all about: getting out of the mind. Not by battleling the mind, but through love of the mind: see without judgment what takes place in the mind.  Louise indicates that my explanation about the metaphor of the hall of a theather (consciousness) and the stage (the mind) was very helpful to her (see blog: transforming beliefs, the direct way).

Love your mind, don't make it your enemy.
For those who like, hereby the link to Osho 'How to stop thinking?': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCShgsLzpjA


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Nothing is certain, learn to love that.

 

If nothing is certain, everything is possible. 

We (my partner and our daughter) are on holiday in another country, a country where we haven't been before. At some point our daughter shows that she misses her sister, who died last year (summer 2016) around this time. She indicates that during other holidays with the family she was used to go out with her in the evening, that is no longer possible. She is sad. 

Later she let us know that she is in the mood of meeting peers to chill together. She is placing a message on tinder friends and not much later she's receiving a message from a young man of her age, who is 17 km away from our address in a holiday home, together with two other men. She's showing us a picture of the young man, who's indicating that they have rented a spacious holiday home, which is located in a remote spot. 

We are on the beach when this conversation is happening. My partner is a few meters away, he is lying in the shadow and is listening from a distance to the conversation that unfolds between my daughter and me. She wants  an adventure, she says. She wonders how she gets there and how she returns home at night. During the conversation my partner stands up and walks towards us. He makes it clear that he doesn't want her to go: an unknown country, 17 km away from our address, isolated house, 3 men she doesn't know..., what does that all mean..., it is our last evening, he says, I don't want you to go over there. 

In everything I feel that his reaction comes from fear. So afraid to lose another daughter..., he feels that he has no control over the situation... Well, how do you deal with such a situation if your daughter is an adult woman of 26 years and your partner clearly indicates that he doesn't like this trip from his daughter? 

Her father goes into the sea. She resumes the conversation with me. What do you think? What shall I do? No idea, I say, what is going through you now? Well, I don't want to disappoint Dad, and of course it is also nice to end up with a dinner and I also understand that he is afraid, but yes, I am 26 years old... and I feel a pressure when Daddy is talking like that..., it feels like I can't do what I want..., I just love some adventure... 

Okay, and further..., what else is going on in you? Well, I like it to meet people and chill out with each other, but yes, transport is still a problem: how do I get there and how do I get back home? What shall I do? Do what is right for you, I say, even if it is not right for your father. You are not responsible for his feelings, whether that is fear... or disappointment from an expectation that he has about our last night. And of course, your father has every right to express himself, to express his need and to show his fear, but that doesn't mean you have to stick to it. The pressure you experience is not caused by your father, the pressure lives in you, it is the pressure of adaptation, which lives in each of us. It is not easy to be your-Self, to be faithful to the inner voice, especially when the other person has an expectation that doesn't match with what you want. It is up to you to discover what the inner voice is whispering to you, to discover what is right for you. And there are several possibilities: you can first go out for dinner with us and then visit these young men, you can go out for dinner with us and then see what the possibilities are in the immediate environment to meet some peers (café in de neighborhood/ happening on the beach), you can eat out with us and then we walk together to the old city to stroll and have a drink somewhere, you can also decide not to obey the urge to adventure, to experience what that brings about in you, what you meet in yourself if you don't 'go'. 

She lets it all sink in for a moment. At some point she says: I am not going,  I don't know how to get there and also the return journey is a problem. Can't you pick me up? No, I say, I don't feel like that. I want to bring you as long as it is light, nice to explore the area by car, but you have to arrange the return journey differently. Okay, she says, I'm not going, too complicated. 

Some time later the young man appt, he is ready to pick her up, but since he wants to drink some alcoholic drinks himself, he can't bring her back to the address where we are staying. His reaction changes her thoughts: she indicates that she wants to go to the invitation and asks if he can arrange a taxi for the return journey. Not much later, a name and telephone number of a taxi driver who is willing to bring her home, even if it is in the middle of the night, follows. She says: I am going..., first I am going to eat with you and Dad and then I will let him pick me up from our address. Okay, I say, then it seems nice to meet him at the moment he comes to pick you up and I want the address where he stays, his name and phone number. Can you show me the picture of this young man again? I look once more and feel the energy of the young man on the photo: good energy, confidence-inspiring. The situation as it unfolds feels right for me.
 
My daughter says: Do I have to tell it to daddy? 
We'll see how it unfolds..., I don't know that yet either. In any case, you can borrow the money for the taxi and it's nice that we're going out for dinner together, your father will like that. 

After eating, she is picked up from our residence address. We walk outside and say hello to the young man. He gets out of the car, introduces himself. I share with him our thought: we are in an unfamiliar environment, we don't know you and our daughter is dear to us. He reacts with understanding: I can imagine, he says, very well to keep an eye on her. After the short acquaintance my partner is reassured. She steps in and promises to send an app. I lived on the assumption that she would send the address of the young men's stay. The next day it turned out that she had already mentioned the location prior to her appointment, which I hadn't registered properly. 

Three quarters of an hour later I go to bed, there hasn't yet been an app with the address. She's probably forgotten that..., well, it's okay..., I'm going to sleep. After a few hours I go to the toilet and then look at the phone. No message. It's a pity, I don't know how things are going with her and the address where she is staying is not known (I thought). I am in the zone of 'uncertainty'. And yet there is no movement to send her an app. 

I get back in bed. It is warm, I can't sleep. I see one scenario after the other scenario for my mind's eye appearing, unmoved I look at the possibilities: she can be raped, she can be murdered, she can experience a great evening and get back home somewhere in the night, she can have a great time and decide to stay asleep, she can have so much fun that she decides to stay with them for another week. I see the possibilities and I am calm under it. 

But behind the scenarios there is a different deep tone, a tone that is related to fear: the tone of the uncertain, the tone of not knowing, of the unknown, of total openness, what Life itself is: unknown, fresh, new, an adventure. It feels frightening... that total openness. 
Around three o'clock I visit the toilet again and look again on the phone: no message. I'll call her. She picks up, she has fun and is now waiting for the taxi to come home. I am glad that she likes it, that she enjoys, without her sister, who can't be there anymore. And for us..., for me... another test of Life itself: surrender to existence itself, that's what it's about..., without any reserve..., surrender to total openness..., not knowing what the next moment brings, not knowing what the outcome is, not knowing how this situation will unfold..., which is always the case..., even though we live under the assumption that we can control existence and/or situations... 
The reality is that we have no control at all, that is the actual situation what we prefer to avoid as long as we view ourselves as separate from existence: "I" and the world. 

And what does the world mean to us? Is there confidence in us? Or do we experience the world as threatening and hostile? What is our perspective? The "I" (ego) knows no trust, the "I" is a creation of the mind through which we experience ourselves separately from Life itself. The 'I' wants certainty and clarity, wants to know what and when, but the reality is that nothing is certain, there is no hold, there is nothing to cling to, even if we think so, even though we try to create all kinds of certainties (home, partner, work, health, etc.). 

And then I hear my teacher say: nothing is certain, learn to love that. Yes, that is what we experienced to the fullest in the summer of 2016: the death of our daughter. I feel that a deep process of release is going on in me..., a slow dismantling of the 'I', of the identity, of the self-image (this is me). 

Nothing is certain anymore..., that realization is going on, a process of demolition is taking place... And if nothing is certain, all answers are possible, all scenarios..., because that is Life. Trust in existence, that's what it's all about..., which, incidentally, doesn't mean naive stepping into a situation. 
In this situation it meant for me the following aspects: viewing of the photo, getting acquainted, name and phone number of the young man and the address of their stay. 

And so the universe regularly carries out unforeseen tests like the above situation with our daughter. And the consciousness in me is watching: What does this situation bring about in me? How do I react? From fear and being worried or trust? No address of the young man's stay (I thought) + no movement to send an app to ask for the address... In the past I would have contacted directly from fear in such situations... Well, that's Life. 

Which tests of the universe do you encounter? Do you see them? And what do these tests bring about in you? Is there resistance? Are you stuck? Or are you moving? Are you investigating for yourself what this test is showing you? 

Every test has the potential for growth, for consciousness. And then I am very grateful to our daughter for her adventurous spirit, her trust in humanity, a mirror for us, even though she sometimes makes a mistake. 

The next day I read the blog to her and I ask her if it's okay if I publish it? Yes, she says, it's okay. What is the hitch that I hear, I say. I am afraid that people will fall over me again, that I haven't taken you and Dad into account, while Simone died about this time a year ago. Well, I say, I'll put that in the blog..., maybe they'll also understand the other side of the coin..., that you serve us in our growth..., it's not always easy..., I have to admit, but I am grateful to you..., very grateful for who you are... 


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes
Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Everything in my life is a 'must'... and I am so tired already.



Self-inquiry: The wires.
What do I mean by 'wires'? Sometimes we are placed before a situation and we experience different thoughts/emotions (the mind/the ego) from which we find it difficult to make a choice or to be completely open to ourselves and to others. In the latter case (open to ourselves and to others) there is a tendency to share some wires (thoughts/emotions) and omit other threads. Why is that? Do you have any idea?

Before you read on, examine this question: what keeps me away from revealing all wires (emotions/thoughts) about myself and in relation to the other person? See if you can answer the question. What is it why I don't want to reveal myself totally?

This is the answer I have discovered: we have a judgement about the wires. We label some wires as good and condemn other wires: I don't want to acknowledge these emotions/thoughts about myself, I'm not like that (jealous etc.) and certainly I'm not going to reveal all what I think or feel to someone close to me, I am afraid they will reject me, because I reject this emotions and thought in myself.

We prefer to suppress all nasty, annoying thoughts and emotions (or eat away, or drink away etc.), because we have labeled them. It is the mind/ego that judges and condemns.

Our essence, our true nature is free, knows no judgments, can't be hurt and doesn't hurt either..., because it IS..., like the sun that IS: always and always shining. It doesn't have an opinion or feeling like the mind: today I don't feel like shining, I am in a bad mood, I feel rejected, so I don't shine today. No, the sun, our essence shines always. Our nature is non-judgmental and compassionate. Out of the heart it looks at what appears on the scene. It has no opinions about the wires, no label in the sense of good or bad emotions/thoughts, it looks at the wires for what they are, nothing more, nothing less.

The suffering we experience in our lives has to do with the fact that we believe what the mind is telling us. We believe all those wires and therefore we don't want to acknowledge the 'bad' wires: we feel blamed, but we don't share it; we feel jealous or not good enough, but suppress those emotions etc. Who wants to feel jealous? Nobody, right?

There is nothing wrong with all those judgments and convictions were it not that we value it so much. We believe  what the mind mirrows us and that is the cause of our suffering: the identification with the mind. We are not at home in the sun, in our heart, but a prisoner of our mind, a prisoner of our emotions and thoughts, which we accept as true. And if we accept them as true, then we don't want to look to all those nasty emotions. It is just too painful.

If we want to escape from the prison of mind (suffering), then self-inquiry is an important tool, an instrument that is regularly used during the sessions of awareness coaching. And self-examination is only possible if we allow ourselves to bring everything to light: to observe without judgment (sun) what happens in us. And if there are judgments... (and there are plenty of them), then that is what we observe. It's about loosening faith in all those judgments, getting out of the mind, you're not the mind, but the light (sun) where the thoughts and emotions appear in.

At some point I discovered in my process and in my work with clients how important it is to reveil and investigate all the threads: the so-called 'beautiful', 'pleasant','horrible','ugly' thoughts and emotions.
Even though the critical voice labels the wires as good or bad, realize that the wires are only wires, they are not true or false or contradictory: they are. In other words, shift the attention of the mind to Awareness (our essence), to the space that you are in which the wires (emotions and thoughts) appear.

Okay..., after the theory, now an example: a while ago a client came in where the research of the wires stood central. The client, I call her for the readability Yvon, had agreed with girlfriend Tineke to participate in a certain contest, because 'we do this every year' (= pattern). She noticed that during the making of the appointment a movement in her body was going on, indicating that she didn't really felt like it, so tired, but yes, the actual date was a bit further away, and who knows…, maybe by then she would like to go, because it is nice to be outside, the race would take place in the nature what she loves, and they went together every year, so she had said 'yes' to her friend. 

It struck me that Tineke (her friend) had not asked her, but that she automatically assumed that they would go together again this year (conditioned pattern), and yes, according to Yvon...Tineke had it not so easy..., so to say 'no' to her..., that was a bit too far..., because I am still that support for her to train... When I am going, then she goes and that motivates her to train..., and yes, appointment is appointment, I have said 'yes' to Tineke, so I have to fulfill my appointment with her (= conviction/rule), I just push myself to do what we have agreed. This is a learned pattern of the family: come on, don't complain, do it for her, give her the support she needs, it's not a big problem, don't worry about it... and you know that the match gives you energy and it is in nature, so just turn the knob. 

Recognizable to the reader? This kind of stories (wires) that go through us? 

I asked the client the following questions: Can you come back to an appointment? What would it be like if you were to wait for the moment itself (for example, one day before the race) to check how the flag stands for you internally? How is it for you to communicate all the wires with Tineke in all openness? And why is it not oké for you when Tineke may react disappointed? It is a normal reaction, right?

During our exchange it became clear to Yvon that she had to call Tineke to indicate that she didn't want to participate in this contest at the moment, that she would rather cancel the appointment, because she was so tired…, maybe her mood and energylevel changed during the coming period and possibly she would still participate in the competition, but at the moment she didn't know if that would be the case. 
Yvon also indicated that she was worried that Tineke would be disappointed and that she felt she couldn't say 'no', because Yvon was a support for her to train, but she also had to be honest with herself: I am so tired and I find it difficult to take care for myself.

Initially, Yvon was afraid to enter into this conversation with Tineke. Very understandable, because it also requires a lot: breaking several patterns and learned behavior: we do this match every year, the other needs my support, I can't abandon her like that, I am not used to be open and vulnerable to others. 

And it also meant that she had to break with several convictions: an appointment is an appointment, be nice and supportive to others, don't make a problem out of nothing. Yvon didn't want to disappoint Tineke, because Tineke counts on her (that is what Yvon thinks = conviction) and Tineke 'needs' her support (conviction). This is the way Yvon looks at her friend..., that is not the reality..., but her coloring of the reality caused by all the programs of the mind/ego based on childhoodexperiences, society etc. It is a picture Yvon puts on Tineke: she needs me. The picture vanished on the moment that Yvon discovers that she herself has missed that support in her childhood and that she transfers that pain (no one to support me) on her friend. She doesn't want her friend to come across the same pain: that she had to figure it out all alone.

So an unconscious belief determines her behavior (taking care for her friend) without knowing it (blind spot): she can't share all the wires in all openness with Tineke, she is afraid that Tineke will feel abandoned (what is the unknown pain of Yvon herself). 

The next consultation I asked about the exchange with Tineke. Yvon indicate that Tineke had responded positively, not according to the wires of Yvon (that she needed her support, that she would be disappointed). Then I asked how the flag actually stood for a few days prior to the match and which decision she had finally taken? 

She indicated that the following wires had gone through her: Shall I cancel..., I really don't feel like it..., I get already tired at the thought, but yes, it's nice outside, in nature, I get energy from it and Tineke appreciates it so much, and once I'm in the contest, it will work out well for me etc.

What do you think she has decided?

She decided to go running. 
I asked Yvon if she sometimes responded to another important wire she had mentioned several times: that she didn't feel like it, that she is often so tired. Yvon said: No, I always go on. 
Then I asked the following question: And what would it be like to listen to that first voice, which indicates that you really don't feel like it, that you are tired? Yvon said: If I give in to that, then I am actually afraid that I will sink deep, that I will lose control of myself, that I will come to nothing, that I will become depressed…
My answer: Interesting..., and is that true? How do you know that? Have you ever tried it out? No, Yvon said.

How would it be for you to take this experiment? To listen to the voice that says: I really don't feel like it, I'm tired.
And could it also give you something if you would respond to that voice? Yvon: Yes, rest..., relaxation..., which I really long for..., everything in my life is 'work', is 'must' and I always anticipate what has to be done, I can't just sit still on the couch.

Yvon started the experiment. We have walked together for a while. After an x-number of sessions she indicates what a relief it is that the eternal must and care for others (instead of care for herself) is out of her system. She now recognizes the inner voice (instead of the voice of parents/society), she doesn't always act on it, but experiences it as a gift that she sees from where she moves, that there is consciousness, because without consciousness (awareness) you are simply lived by your patterns and beliefs. 
She is happy that she has learned to speak out and show vulnerability to others and experiences it as a blessing that so many learned patterns and beliefs evaporate. 
She thanks me for the transformation that has taken place. She says: 'If I hadn't come to you, I was now in the sick-law with a burn-out..., I have learned, felt and discovered so much through our exchanges and the 'homework assignments' that I received, I am extremely grateful to you.'

And I am grateful to Yvon for having given me the trust and that we were allowed to make this trip together. There is nothing more fulfilling than 'going open'... and coming home to your-Self.


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes

 

Posted on by Bewustzijnscoaching

Letting go..., live the moment.



"Letting go is looking back without regret, looking ahead without expectations and experiencing life in the here and now."


What is letting go?
And what would you like to let go? 

If that were possible at all…, can you can do it?

Would you like to let go of your fear? Or feelings of loneliness? Or your concerns... or feelings of frustration? 

What would you like to let go? 

And did it work out well when you tried to let go of all those nasty feelings and thoughts?

Did you succeed?

Or was it a fight? You just wanted to get rid of all those annoying feelings and thoughts?

In the past I have tried so many times to let go. For example, to let go of certain unpleasant thoughts... 
I said to myself: 'Well you stop it, it's been enough, you don't know how it will work out at all, so it has no use to be busy with it', and a little later I was occupied again with the same annoying thoughts. It didn't work, the so-called 'let it go'.

What is letting go? Is it 'letting go' when I say: 'Stop it, it's been enought'? 

Is it possible to let go by your effort, the effort of the ego?

My experience: 'No, it is not possible, it only happens when you realize at a deep level that you can't control life, then a process starts from the inside, a process of dismantling of the ego, then you grow in surrender, in trust and you experience that letting go is happening by itself.'

Life lives you…, if you (the ego) likes it or not… 

The journey is to discover at a deep level that you don't know what the day of tomorrow will bring, even though every day seems the same. 

You realize at a deep level that you have no control over the next minute, even if you think so. 

You realize that you can think of everything about the past (why things have gone the way they went) or about the future (how will it continue later), but you discover that thinking  makes no sense, because only the Now really exists, this moment. And the rest is all conceived, future music which we have no view of, even if we think so.

So what's the point of worrying about what can happen, if only this moment IS real. Life runs through your veins, just follow the stream.  

Do you dare to move with what Life demands from you... or do you stick to what your mind thinks? Do you hold on to a virtual world, a world of thoughts, that doesn't tell you anything about reality itself or are you willing to give up the fight, because you realize it has no use at all: thought and emotions will stick on you, day in day out, if you want to get rid of them. 

Maybe you recognize it..., that everything you had previously thought about a particular situation or encounter, in the moment itself, is very different, because what is conceived is not Life itself. 

It is easy to say, just follow the stream of Life itself, but not easy to live when you are a prisoner of the mind, a prisoner of your thoughts and emotions, a prisoner of past and future. But if you really want to get out of the misery of the psychological mind, it is possible. 

Surrender…, to the flow of Life itself…, I know…, you can't do it. It is a process…, an awakening process…, you have to look deep inside to discover who you really are: not your thought and feelings but that what perceives the thought and feelings. 

If you need support to come home in your Self, to live out of trust instead of fear, you can contact me for a consult.  


www.thehealingcircle.one
LinkedIn: Caroline Ootes